The Artist's Way Check-in: Week 4

This week finds me a bit down in the dumps though I do have some small good things to report about my writing life. I'm trying to work on being open to receive good things as they come my way and even try to expect them. This is a hard thing for me, an adult child of an alcoholic because I've been conditioned to be afraid of any form of communication, especially mail, phone calls and even email. (In fact, I can't remember a time in my life when I wasn't afraid of getting big envelopes in the mail. That is - psychologically big.) But, I'm trying.

(engraving by Pierre-Joseph Redouté)

Here we go with a ho-hum check-in.

Morning Pages: Here and there, but no real dedication to them.

Artist's Date: Again, I was going to say "no" but this afternoon I went to meet my boyfriend at the library and they had an exhibit of antique books with hand colored plates. They were beautiful and mostly relating to nature. So, I snuck in another 15 minute artist's date before going to meet him on another floor. 

Issues: Well, the above mentioned attitude issues, plus working on things when they show promise.  The editor that asked me for my best article promoted it on Facebook over the weekend! On Friday when I found out she  was doing it I spent some time tweaking and polishing my other articles on that site so at least I did something in response to the news, which is my goal after all -- I need to build up a little universal momentum in these things but the wheels are squeaky and rusty. I also started researching a new article for them and then got some more writing work from a previously dead source. I am grateful because I let two Al Anon friends talk me into a day trip to NY in October and this will pay for the bus fare -- if I get it done.

I didn't do any of the Time Travel excervcises in Chapter 4 of The Artist's Way. I just didn't care to do those. I didn't do the reading deprivation either, but I substituted something else, which became much more beneficial to me.  That, my darlings, will be a whole other post as I have quite a lot to say about it.

*Sigh* -- Service in Al Anon

It has been a busy week but not necessarily one of growth. I only made one Al Anon meeting this week and afterward my good feelings were undone by a difficult group conscious meeting. Let's just say people were acting like family -- the dysfunctional ones we all came from. As this was my home group full of people I really admire I was pretty upset afterward. In fact, I was so upset that I had to call my sponsor for solace and found that she was also pretty disturbed and so we talked for an hour trying to settle down and cheer each other up.

(photo by Svilen Milev)

I do love this group but I have to admit it is not as healthy as it could be. The person that was the most vocal during the meeting has been in a service position longer than I've been in Al Anon. No one talks about rotating him out, but instead talks about how much he gives to the group. I think somewhere in Al Anon literature it talks about how people should not hold on to these positions as it activates the controlling aspects of their personality.

I used to go to a small group that ended up with only myself and another member coming on a regular basis. I felt weird being the one to open the place and run the meeting each week as the second person couldn't commit. It wasn't my meeting but a meeting for all. So, the few of us left decided to close the group, with me being the most vocal about it. So people few step up for service that it leads to one person controlling the group, unfortunately. I did so much service for that group that after that I only volunteered for functions like luncheons and other activities not related to meetings.

Another group I know did a Al Anon group inventory. I was glad they did as I felt it was another good group falling apart but the inventory got things back in check. Ha - maybe suggesting that and possibly getting that going might be a good way to do service for my home group.

The Artist's Way Check - in: Week 3

This week was rather busy and then we went away for a long weekend to the beach. But, since I didn't have a chance to read I brought The Artist's Way with me and worked through some of the exercises. While I felt that the "rediscovering your childhood interests" applied to me that wasn't what I really wanted to work on this week. I did find other things to think about, though.

Morning Pages:  I did some writing most days but only on a few days did I do the whole 3 pages. Like I said, it was busy for me during the work week.

(photo by kslyesmith of stock.xchng)

Artist Date: Surprisingly, I did 2. On Wednesday after work I squeezed in a 15 minute visit to a museum within walking distance of my job. They had an exhibit on antique writing instruments that I wanted to catch before it closed over the weekend. Then, yesterday morning while I was still at the beach I borrowed a bike and rode around with my camera at about sunrise. That was great and something I'll likely repeat the next time I'm down there.

Issues: I got a lot out of the reading on synchronicity, which Julia Cameron defines as positive coincidences that help us progress with our art. I liked the part about how we don't act on synchronicity because we are afraid. Last week I started to be aware of synchronicity but over the weekend I examined why I am afraid of it and why I don't act on it. It seems like I do a lot of work and it goes nowhere. So, I'm going to change my attitude about it and when I see synchronicity I'm going to think of some action(s) to take, no matter how small. Like they say in Al Anon "Do the legwork and let go of the results."

For example, in last week's check-in I mentioned a new writing opportunity.  So I decided on 2 things I could do to help this along, which were listening in on a conference call for their writers (if I get home from work on time) and working on a new article so I will have more of a body of work in my preferred area. Well, I've been away and haven't had a chance to start a new article but I did get back to find an email from the editor asking me which of my articles she should look at, but only one. It looks like the email is a few days old so I knew I should get on the ball and reply.

Well, what did I do? I went downstairs and read the paper. I knew which was my favorite and best (though not necessarily the most popular) article and it would have taken me two minutes to reply, but no.... I thought I would do it when I got to work but I've got another full boat today and so finally I made myself come up here and do it. Well, I am The Resistant Artist.

I think my problem is that today I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I had four blissful days without the internet and now I have an email inbox full of stuff from work, writing, and friends that need attention. Plus, stuff around the house and another busy week ahead. My cure for this is to find a quiet spot and make a to-do list. That way I can tackle one small thing at a time without over-thinking it.

Also, the day I wrote out my fears about synchronicity I had a chance to talk to my boyfriend about it and he also shared his concerns about his own work. So, it was good to open up and bond with him a bit.

Resistance and Art Gallery Openings

Today one of my graduate students invited me to a group art show of people from her program. It is only in the building next to mine and I'm going to try and make it. This officially represents a change in attitude. Usually I get invited to these things all the time and then don't bother to go, even if the show is literally in the same building that I work in. In the past I was too grumpy to stay at work even one minute past the end of the day but now I'm going to make more of an effort to look at the art here. Plus, it will help me bond better with my students and perhaps I can even call it an Artist's Date.

(Photo by Brendan Gogarty)

For some reason I've been prompted to think about why I hate art openings. I mean, I hate them with a passion and they give me a headache. I try to think of reasons why I hate them but I can't. I say that I hate the pretentious art scene (true) but I can't quite figure out the real reason. They are a real flash point of anger for me and I can't figure out why.

In writing this I tried to remember if I ever liked art openings. I can remember one rainy Saturday when I was in my late teens (18 or 19) and I was out exploring the city neighborhood we had recently moved in to. As I was walking home I saw a little gallery that had an opening and I went it. At that time I didn't have any art education and didn't even have a GED. The opening represented a world that I hoped to be in one day. I went in and looked at the art and had some free finger food. The artist was an older man who painted watercolors of cityscapes so he wasn't a pretentious art person. It was a positive and pleasant experience. I went home thrilled with my new experience.

In art school I went to my friends openings a lot for shows on campus. These were informal student affairs where someone baked cookies and the art was hung on the walls of one of the school hallways or tiny exhibition spaces. I also went to the more formal shows that the school put on featuring established artists in their bigger public exhibition spaces. Those were fun, too because I generally knew everyone and the art was usually interesting. Since I was in school I could get more out of what I saw and relate it to what I was learning. Plus, the Exhibitions Director was a notorious spendthrift and the food was very fancy and expensive -- he even ordered sushi on occasion!

I think at the end of Art School the art opening thing went sour. Four of us had a senior thesis show in one of the school's galleries, including my studiomate. By then I had been through lots of drama with her because she broke up with her longtime boyfriend and spent a lot of time drinking and getting into trouble. Her mom swept in and took control of the food and everything for the opening. The rest of us were upset by their attention grabbing and crazymaking.

Then, a couple of years after I graduated college my father had an important show but he didn't care about the opening and so I ended up doing the food. I hated his passive aggressive approach to it as he didn't ask me but let the work fall on me anyway. Then, I had to hang around at the opening but I couldn't be an artist, people only saw me as the daughter of the artist. (This is another issue I have -- people have openly implied that I'm not a "real" artist, I'm only copying after my dad. In my private writing I recognized the main perpetrator of this idea as someone who has serious issues of their own so perhaps I can let this go soon.)

Anyway, so I've avoided openings ever since. I want to go back and enjoy them as fun again and be an artist in my own right around other artists.

The God Box

One way that I know my Higher Power is working on me is that I go to several Al Anon meetings each week and the same idea or theme carries through all of them. This week's theme is using the God box for detachment and other issues.

(photo by Teodora Vlaicu)

If you don't know what a God box is, it is a fairly simple device that some people in 12 step programs like to use. To make one, take a box and put a slot in the top. Decorate it if you like. The next time there is a problem that you obsess over and can't control, write it down on a piece of paper and put it in the slot. There! God (or whatever you call your Higher Power) will take care of it.

Some people say never open the God box and it should be permanently sealed forever. Others like to open it and measure their own growth by thinking about how they have or haven't improved in terms of these issues.

I actually have a God can instead because last year at our Al Anon group's district workshop the organizers collected coffee cans, decorated them, and gave them to everyone as a door prize. The chirpy message pasted on the front says:

"I can't
God can
I'll let Him!"

I have never cracked mine open yet, but I don't feel it is time yet. I don't want to never open it because I tended to be superstitious in the past and I want to let go of the idea of external forces controlling me. The past me would have thought the God box was really some kind of Pandora's box and if I opened it and looked at it I would unleash all of the problems again. Nope. Tool for growth.

Some people put events or situations in their God box but mostly I put the names of people, usually when they are such an overwhelming ball of wax that I can't figure out what to do anymore except to say let it  go. After yesterday's meeting I have several issues that I was more specific about and I just put those in the box. 

Some days I really need it, some days I forget about it, but it has always been useful.

The Artist's Way Check-in: Week 2

I thought I hadn't been into The Artist's Way much this week but then I realized that I went through a number of the exercises in the week 2 chapter before life got too busy over the weekend.

Morning Pages: 6 1/2 of 7. I got derailed over the weekend and never got back to it. Considering my resistance, I'm not too unhappy that I didn't do them.

Artist's Date: Once again I thought I was going to say "nothing" but I got an invitation to a party at a yarn store a few blocks from me. Really, it was to show off the new line of artisan yarns from different small dyers and spinners. I like this particular yarn shop because they have good relations with the community and once in awhile I participate in their charity knitting projects. But, their yarn is super expensive and I can't afford to buy it. (I knit a lot and when I tell people this they think I am finicky about my yarn and shop at places like this all the time. I don't have the heart to tell them I'm a sale at Michael's kind of gal.) I just thought I'd look at the pretty new yarns and perhaps talk knitting.

(photo by Alicia Jo McMahan)

Well, I wasn't feeling too social when I got there because it was Sunday afternoon, normally a day of family for me, which wears me out. Surprisingly, a number of people wanted to chat me up about the food. (Chocolate, finger foods, fudge, ect.) It was excellent. The cupcake icing was so tender and light that I've never licked anything like it before. The yarn was pretty and fun to play with and I got some free patterns. I also had a Dixie cup full of white wine -- a real oddity for me because I rarely drink because it reminds me of growing up with alcoholism. Well, I decided to not be so uptight but I did relish the chocolate more than the wine.

The yarn was beautiful and the colors were amazing, but again, not while I'm on a budget. One artist named her colors after local landmarks and there was a beautiful deep red named after a building that my boyfriend has a pleasant association with. Well, when my budget gets better perhaps I'll go back and make him something with it.

Issues: hating writing and having no self motivation. I kind of put it on the back burner but now that I think of it, it kept me from doing my morning pages and posting some things I wanted to say in this blog. Plus, I thought more about why I hate to draw.

In going through the week 2 excercises in The Artist's Way I discovered that I'm not bad with self care, but it is mostly lumped on the weekends. I stopped going to my Wednesday night Al Anon meeting  because after some crime was reported I didn't want to go out alone at night. But, I do plan to call my sponsor on Wednesday evenings now and I often poke in on the meetings on Step Chat.  I'm not using any of my self care time for "small creative acts" (as Julia Cameron says in the book) so perhaps that is something to work on.

Good Stuff: Just when I got on the computer this afternoon I got an email from a web site where I wrote about 5  articles for fun and then left off of because even though it was positive, the articles weren't money makers. Well, they sent me an email saying they were putting one of my articles in their fancy new web magazine, which means more exposure and probably more money. I'm not sure what this is all about yet, but the topic was something that I like writing about a whole lot better than the stuff I get paid for.

Fear of the Blank Page

This is the second week of school and I'm beginning to see a lot of distressed students struggling with their first writing assignments of the semester. I have to  keep quiet about what the teachers do though it isn't easy. This year a teacher asked his freshmen class to write a paper analyzing a Sartre piece for their first college paper ever.

So, it was interesting to talk to this one kid because he seemed so much like myself. He is a transfer student (like I was) majoring in the same thing I majored in at art school. He has a terrible fear of the blank page and that extends to both writing and drawing. We talked about the drawing issue in conjunction with the writing issue.

In light of this, I must confess that I hate to draw. I'm sure that this is also the fear of the blank page, which I assured the kid that many artists have (myself included). I mean, I really hate drawing. I freeze up and make little inept things that I hate. I can't even draw cartoons anymore, which was my passion for a long time.

(Photo by spekulator of Stock.xchng)

In college I always had this idea that I was drawing retarded or something. I hate painting, too, for reasons that I haven't explored yet. In community college I took a lot of drawing classes and I enjoyed them but in that school we didn't advance very fall. When I was putting together a portfolio to get into art school I took a  lot of the art school's adult education classes to build my portfolio. There, I took a great class where I felt I finally learned well. Actually, it was based on the book Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain. (Many public libraries have it.) I really felt I had an excellent teacher and I bonded with her. She was a gifted person who spent a lot of time with us. I want to write about her at one point because I took a class with her again later, but that is for another entry.

I got into art school but always had the impression that it was by the skin of my teeth and that my drawing was not strong enough. The only drawing class I enjoyed in art school was nature drawing, probably because I love nature and I enjoy drawing organic subjects. They lend themselves well to the expressive line work I like.

I haven't really drawn much since I left school. A.R.T.S. Anonymous recommends doing your art at least 5 minutes a day. Well, with drawing I can't even do that. I don't even want to look at a sketchbook. Somehow, I feel like I can't draw anything significant and it is almost like I am back to the beginning again -- I think I've forgotten how to draw.

So, anyway, thinking about this kid. sometimes I go through phases where I think I hate my job and then soothe myself by realizing that God keeps me here for a reason. So, this semester I'm going to try to be a little more open and try to learn more from my students and the other people around me here.

The Artist's Way - Week 1 check in

After complaining about The Artist's Way so much here I am going through it again. I do recognize it has its uses.

Daily morning pages: yes, every day, but rarely first thing in the morning. I guess it was OK. I did a lot of thinking that I sometimes distilled in this blog, which helps me after my internal rant that freewriting seldom turns into anything.

(photo by Gianni Testore)

Did I do my artist's date this week? Well, I was going to say no until this morning. When I was looking at The Artist's Way again last week I realized that was one of the hardest things about it, is that I never look at art anymore, or even anything visually interesting. I WORK in an art school and I pass by art every day. I sometimes get so burned out on the art scene that I just ignore it all. I just need to get out of the bubble that is my work place and learn to enjoy art again, even if it is only looking.

This morning, since it is Labor Day my gym had special classes and I went to one for Relaxation Yoga.  Well, not exactly visual art, but it was great for the senses and very calming. We did a 30 minute meditation at the end and the teacher handed out eye pillows, blankets and neck pillows. She gave us a lavender sachet to keep at the end. So, I thought I would make some of these pretty little things for myself to encourage a meditation practice at home. One of my delights about doing something different is that I always find something to make in relation to it, though it is usually not art but something that is useful.

Issues: yes, well...in doing my check-in I noticed the difference this time around. When I first did The Artist's Way some years ago it was about gaining self confidence and laying old demons. Now, my issues seem to be about art as work and not play. It is my job, what I do when I write for content mills, what I do when I get roped into doing that stupid craft fair that I used to do every year. Art to me now is all about making stuff for a purpose-- to get paid but then I get paid very little in relation to other things that art seems to be a chore that nothing will come of. It is sort of a black hole of writing articles about plants and crafting with yarn and velvet and making little things that I think people will impulse buy.

So, there. I guess my mission is to rediscover fun.

Letting Go of the Rope

It is Sunday and I planned to do my week one check-in for "The Artist's Way" today but my brain is tired. I often feel this way so I decided that Monday should be my check-in and Sunday should be my mental day of rest. The only exception is that if I can, I go to a great Al Anon step meeting on Sunday morning.

(photo by Magda Zych)

I've had my ups and downs with step meetings. When I first came to Al Anon the two easiest meetings to go to were both step meetings with the same format. The Paths to Recovery book was passed around and we each took turns reading the chapter about that week's step. I usually got something out of each meeting but I quickly began to feel like I was going around and around on the steps and I hadn't worked many of them (if any). That book felt like a school book and I hated to look at it. Monday would be something like step one and Wednesday would be something far off like step 9 or 11. Soon I managed to seek out literature meetings, which were more of what I could digest at the time. I only returned to one of the old step meetings upon the recommendation of my sponsor when I first started working with her. Then, they meant more to me because I had more Al Anon experience.

During the summer my boyfriend was asked to speak at an AA meeting and I went along to investigate the Al Anon meeting upstairs. It is a GREAT step meeting. Instead of reading the book they have speakers every week and I get a lot out of that, especially since I've heard many dear program friends speak in detail about a specific step.

Today I really didn't know the speaker but I got a lot out of what she said. She spoke on step one, and I could identify with a lot of what she said because I realized that I have been practicing step one with my boyfriend a lot these days. She told this story about talking to an Al Anon friend about her frustrations. The friend said, "Let go of the rope." When the speaker was puzzled the friend explained, "It takes two people to play tug-of-war. If you drop the rope, you win." So, this opened up a great discussion about "surrendering to win". Now I have a great visual image in my head thanks to this woman. If things get to difficult with someone else I can just "drop the rope" and relinquish my "power" to gain my sanity.

A Good Evening

So, my boyfriend picked me up for our Wal*Mart trip and I was so happy to see him. I just felt happy and grateful for him after hashing out all that stuff in my writing this afternoon. I think, also, I feel great because I resolved some things for myself.

(photo by Lorenzo S.)

I did say to him that I wanted a chance to talk about the issue I wanted to make amends on, but without saying I wanted to make amends. I said I would like to talk about it when we had some time and he felt comfortable discussing it. He got a bit uptight and said it wasn't as big an issue as I seemed to think it was. Earlier today he made it sound like an unlivable situation--something that might eventually separate us. So, he's clearly uncomfortable about it but I told him it was hard for me even if he didn't think it was hard for him. Then I let it go because I do want to catch him at a better moment and not have it end up as a car fight.

Anyway, I was just happy to be with him. It was a pretty evening and because of traffic he took the back way, which is quite woodsy. We had the windows open and could smell the greenery on the cool end of summer air. It was a nice ending to a day that was a bit emotional for me.

Struggles with Detachment

I started the week preoccupied with my art and while that was happening another issues snuck in the back door: my boyfriend.

I don't really know how to put this into words, as it has mostly been swirling in my head all day, either with him or while I've been alone. While I was doing my personal writing (which I refuse to call Morning Pages, but that is an issue for another day) I tried to write about it and feel that I had moderate success. (Another side issue--today I realize that with this blog and in my personal writing I'm suddenly writing about things I've NEVER written about before, at least not in depth, so that is great but also for another post.) I can't go into specific details here because I have to respect both him and myself, but here is the gist of it.

(photo by Robert Linder)

Recently, I feel like he is in a downward spiral and as a result is being too hard on me. I felt like I was in the line of fire and needed to get out of the way. I know he is frustrated and having a very difficult time, but I've offered him what I think is reasonable support. Yet, he thinks I am not doing enough and is very difficult to be around him. I don't know what he wants and he is not always clear about it. A couple of weeks ago I had to take a leap and ask him to take some time off and pull back. He agreed. We met up again yesterday and had a great time on a road trip but today we went to an Al Anon meeting together (as we sometimes do--he is a double winner) and that sparked some difficult conversation. I said some things I would have been afraid to say before, because taking this time off was a big risk for me as I was afraid of loosing him. But now, I just feel stronger.

While we were away from each other I became happier. Not that he causes me unhappiness but I am the type that needs to be alone once in awhile and work on my own thing. Hence, my fresh preoccupation with my creative issues. I feel like I've been doing well and I've had some new personal discoveries. Plus, I got to a lot of useful Al Anon meetings and received support from fellow members. I feel my pulling back from him has led to better self preservation, plus it is a new leap for me. I care about him but I can't let his troubles pull me down. I've got to take care of myself. Spending time on my own stuff is the fun part of detachment.

My boyfriend seems to have improved for our time away as well, though I'm concerned about his continued stress. He is at a point where he should get it as far as Al Anon principals but with the things he says I suspect that he is still in denial about his own situation.  I do try to talk to him gently about Al Anon but I can see things that he can't see and I have to keep quiet because I have to let him learn for himself.  I can't nag it into him or give him unwanted advice or tell him all about himself because that doesn't work. It is like watching a blind man stumble around looking for a wall--eventually he is going to hit the wall hard but he has to to learn where the wall is for himself so he can get around it. This is the hard part of detachment.

A good thing is that I can see a way to start amends with him. I've been working step 9 this summer and I was just waiting it out until I could figure it out more but now I see an opening. 

So, I'm just waiting and watching. We've agreed to continue to pull back, though tonight we have a Wal*Mart date. (I don't have a car so he sometimes takes me grocery shopping out in the suburbs.) So, yes, another issue to let go and let God.

A Simple Thing

Today when my boyfriend I went on a road trip we stopped by the National Shrine Grotto of Lourdes at Mount Saint Mary's. Places like this always make me feel...well...resistant but then I even up weepy in spite of myself. I grew up Catholic and I know I'm supposed to feel a certain way and if I feel anything that isn't cynical coming on I try to suppress it. You can say I was determined to not have a spiritual awakening.

Maybe I don't want to call it a spiritual awakening but I could call it a simple solution. We visited this place before and when I told my Al Anon sponsor about it she said, "That is where I gave (my alcoholic) to God."

Well, there were some prayer kneeling benches in front of this area with the Mary statue surrounded by water and my boyfriend, being the spiritual guy that he is, plunked down on the wet velvet to meditate on his own thoughts. As usual, I settled in next to him to patiently wait until he was done, not having any spiritual thoughts of my own. Or, rather, resisting them. 

I decided to be a good Al Anonic and say a quick prayer for my creative and money issues--after all I had been discussing them at length with my boyfriend on the trip up. I remembered what my sponsor said about her alcoholic and realized that it was that simple--I should just give these issues to God. A powerful, but simple realization and of course, I was so busy struggling that I never even bothered to think of it. And, despite my resistance I left wet kneed and weepy.

Not the Artist's Way

The last thing I want to do is start a new blog, but here I am starting a new blog because I am so darned opinionated lately. My upcoming rants will probably be a lot about art, artists, making or not making art. I want to vent on this blog so I can remain anonymous as I have my name attached to a job, published writing, and other public works. See, there I have to keep up a front but here I can talk about how I hate my art and say other things that may offend the people who might want to pay me money to do something in the future.

Some days I'm just a cranky cat. (photo: Björn Franken)

My other concern about being anonymous is that I am a grateful member of Al Anon and might want to discuss that here, too. As I think about some of these artist's "recovery" programs I invariably like to compare and contrast.  A few days ago, in a creative funk, I looked up A.R.T.S. Anonymous, simply because it uses the 12 step format that I know and feel comfortable with. While they don't have meetings in my area I did join their online group and am still testing the waters.

Some of this material reminded me of when I went through The Artist's Way about 6 or 8 years ago. In fact, I have a copy but can't find it so I ran down after work to get it out of the library. That did a lot for me but as I re-read the material after not looking at it for awhile I find I think of it very differently. I'm 41 now and have been regularly publishing my writing since then. But, I hate what I am writing and I still don't do the art I went to art school to learn all about. In fact, I WORK in an art school and find myself perpetuating some of the things I hate about art school. (More about that another day.) So, my thoughts about The Artist's Way this time are not so much to slavishly go through the exercises but to read and reflect and to use the tools that might help.

Part of why my view of why The Artist's Way is different to me now is that I see it as a bit uptight and a maybe a cult of personality. The Al Anon anonymity and "Take what you like and leave the rest" have worked out much better for me.