Al Anon's Step 12

I’ve been very busy lately but I knew that if I skip writing about the step of the month I’d regret it later. So, here are some quick thoughts.

(Photo by Ann- Kathrin Rehse.)

Al Anon’s Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

In so many meetings I've been to, I often hear people say "I wanted what she had" because they have a moment of clarity when they see the program working in someone else and they don't want to live their old life anymore. I have certainly had those moments, but I knew I was working step 12 during the first time I was a speaker at an Al Anon group. I told my story (which I thought was unremarkable in the face of what others went through) and shared some thoughts on how Al Anon helped me to overcome this.

After the meeting, a crying woman came up to me in the ladies room and wanted my phone number because she thought I was the most amazing speaker she had ever heard. It was a little scary, really, especially since I only told my story and didn’t say or do anything spectacular. I knew that it was the first time anyone wanted what I had, in an Al Anon sense. One way I work step 12, then, is to just live my life according to the program and talk about it whenever appropriate.  Living my life well is the best way to spread the message.

I’ve heard that a spiritual awakening is a dramatic shift in your perspective. The strongest message is the change in you. This step comes at the end, because we need to get ourselves in order before we have what we need to pass to others.

Al Anon's Tradition 12

Al-Anon’s Tradition 12:  Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

(Photo by Billy Alexander.)

I don’t have many notes on Tradition 12 but I made a few observations based on readings from Al Anon literature.

Tradition 12 ensures that one member is not held above another. At an Al-Anon meeting I once encountered a famous person who stared on a television show. My hometown also happens to be theirs. This person needed the same help that the rest of us do, and they were able to walk in the room without being swamped for autographs or gossiped about. This tradition also protects us, the “little guy” as the less famous (or less experienced) can get an equal chance at help.


Recently, at a meeting I realized that protecting someone else’s anonymity is best done when we focus on ourselves and not on others. I think this is one of the reasons why gossip is so frowned upon in Al Anon—it helps people to stay in their downward spiral without addressing their own problems and character defects.

Do we really need anonymity?

Recently I wrote about Al Anon's Tradition 11 and I pondered the idea of guarding the anonymity of AA members, as stated in that tradition. The New York Daily News article "Has AA's anonymity outlives its usefulness?" caught my eye when someone I know posted it on Facebook. It bothers me a bit because I think that some people don’t “get” the idea of anonymity. It is one thing for someone to say that they don’t need to be anonymous, but when people come into twelve step programs they deserve the safety of anonymity.

(Photo by Saivann of Stock.xchng.)

The author of this anonymity article argues that if alcoholics stay anonymous it keeps the disease in the shadows. It argues that people still become personalities though known by AA nicknames. (In our Al Anon group, for example, we have Big Bill, Little Joan, ect. because we do not know their last names, but when you say that most people in our area know who they are.) Still,  the very basic point of 12 step traditions is that some people just do not want to make it known that they or anyone they know has an alcohol problem. Those of us in these programs need to protect these people above all because many newcomers feel intimidated about revealing their problem  and we do not want to scare them away. The idea of anonymity should still be personally left to the participant in the program and no one should ever feel pressure to reveal this kind of information outside of the rooms.

The article quotes a doctor who commends Betty Ford for coming out about her addiction but then says he has never been in recovery for addiction problems. They also make a point about Betty Ford never drank again. OK, so she wants to show her success—more power to her. But, another reason I believe that people need to be protected is if in case they “slip” they can recover themselves without the whole world asking them all about what happened.

Someone in the comments for the anonymity article mentioned "humility" and so I think that this article ignores the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous (and other 12 step programs), which states that.the common welfare of the group should come first and that members must place principals above personalities Members of groups like AA and Al Anon want to work on their own disease, not promote a particular person. In the comments section for the anonymity article, Melvino states that AA members can tell people who they are if they want, but it is in the media that they must be careful to maintain anonymity with. True, but again, that is an individual choice.

The Al Anon Promises Part 2 : Perfection

Al-Anon Promise #2: Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both worthy of love and loving.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

I was always one of those people striving for perfection, so learning to not be afraid of my own imperfections has been a big one for me. One way this used to come out was through house cleaning. I used to spend my day off cleaning the baseboards or making the perfect dish. None of these things really needed to be done, but I could not understand that at the time. Yet, I was very frustrated at how my life was always taken up by never ending housework, and I was always exhausted. I was afraid that if I were not perfect, someone would find fault with everything that I had done and be angry at me. This was a consequence of growing up with alcoholism, and a demanding alcoholic mother.

However, perfection was not the way to bring out my best self, but letting go of perfection was. When this promise mentions "continued spiritual progress" I take it to mean "Let go and Let God". In fact, many of the slogans help me let go of perfection, including "Keep it simple." and "How important is it?" This gave me a way to check myself, so that instead of starching and ironing the living room curtains I could be bike riding or reading or going to an Al Anon meeting. Through easing up and cultivating a relationship with my Higher Power instead, I can truly sort out what is important in life. And yes, I found that people still love me, even if I have dirty baseboards or limp curtains. In Al Anon I learned the value of loving people for who they are and I know that there are people who also love me unconditionally.

You can read all of the Al Anon Promises on p. 269 of From Survival to Recovery or on this web page for a California Al Anon group.

Al Anon’s Tradition 11

Al-Anon’s Tradition 11-- Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. Al-Anon Addition: We need guard with special care the anonymity of all A.A. members.

(Photo by Sem Rox.)

Tradition 11 “defines our public relations policy” according to Paths to Recovery (p.227 of the 1997 edition). The anonymity part is the key to this tradition. It places principals above personalities and makes it seem more human, as opposed to commercial.

I think of this tradition as being linked to Al Anon’s Step 12-  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. We cannot tell other people what to do, nor can we make them come to the program. Also in Paths to Recovery, there is a little story about how you can lead a chain but not push it (p.230 of the 1997 edition). We can attract people to Al Anon by living the principals to the best of our ability and allow them to see the benefits in us. Soon, they may want what we have – serenity.

At one of the new meetings I’ve been attending they read the page on the tradition of the month out of The Al Anon pamphlet The Twelve Steps and Traditions at the beginning of each meeting. I never paid much attention to the part of Tradition 11 that says, “We need guard with special care the anonymity of all A.A. members.” I just assumed that I should not identify anyone I saw in any 12 step program, ever, But, recently I was struck by a passage in the Twelve Steps pamphlet that mentions, “When alcoholics are still drinking they have no anonymity; their own conduct exposes the fact of their alcoholism.” P.22 When I first heard that read I thought “Wait – that is a little bit harsh.”  Here I am thinking that tradition applies to every alcoholic.

I see the passage in Twelve Steps as a form of detachment. When the alcoholic is drinking, we often try to cover for them. But, we must allow them to face the consequences of their own actions. If the alcoholics are working to stay sober and clean up their past we have no business holding them responsible for it and we need not mention their A.A. membership. Really, there is no reason to mention another person’s alcoholism at any point – drunk or sober. Their behavior is what it is and we can’t change that. But we can allow them to be who they are at that point and to experience the good and bad of their decisions.  

Al-Anon's Step 11

Al-Anon's Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Sometimes I think of this as my favorite step, and many times it looms large in my mind as one I am consciously working on. However, going through my notebooks I realized that I have not been to very many meetings on Step 11. I procrastinated in writing on this step as I have gone through a lot lately and writing about how I work this step is almost too personal to share at this time. But, I will write about how I got into it.

(Photo by Selma Yalazi.)

I was not excited about the “prayer” part of this step in the beginning because I had some issues with the religion of my origin. I thought of prayer as an obligatory thing, and so when I did it I rarely felt a connection with God. The idea of meditation was, and still is, more accessible to me. To get used to talking to my Higher Power on an intimate basis I had to learn to be quiet so I could tune in to the messages I was supposed to receive. I learned that I should not pray for others or for a specific cause, but to ask for guidance in my situation. Then, I had to accept how my Higher Power resolved my problems, which may not be the way I intended. I have to be confident that my Higher Power will take care of my loved ones and myself and that things will work out, even if I don't know how.

Learning to meditate had been a big part of my Al Anon experience. For most of my life I could not imagine sitting still and clearing my mind for even three seconds.  I found yoga invaluable for calming my mind for mediation as I could work out the compulsion to always be doing or thinking about something and instead focus on the class. (I have heard is the original purpose of the yoga poses – to quiet your mind and to focus on meditation.) Part of the reason I began taking yoga classes is that I knew that there was meditation included in the class, and I had no idea of how to do meditation on my own. I knew I needed someone else to guide me. It is only in recent months that I began doing meditation on my own. 

I tried a number of different ways to learn meditation outside of Al Anon and yoga. Once, a Buddhist monk led a meditation workshop at the local library, and that helped a lot. At that time I was not yet practicing yoga and the monk helped us to learn how to just sit in a regular chair and meditate. He said for us to simply sit upright, place our feet flat on the floor, and rest our hands in our lap. (I mention this because an Al-Anon friend injured himself trying to meditate. He thought you had to meditate while sitting cross legged on the floor, but he did not realize that at his age he was no longer physically able to do so.)

I did not get much out of reading books on the subject, even though I am a big reader and love to learn "how to" from books. It seemed to me that books were full of quick novelty exercises while what I needed was just to listen to someone else guide me. I found a couple of web sites with recorded meditations on them, and YouTube had plenty. (Alas, my favorite night time sleep meditation from that time has been removed.) I also like the evening meditation from the DVD AM and PM Meditation featuring Rodney Yee and Maritza. I would put it on my bedroom TV, skip the yoga part (because I have my own practice, but it is not necessary to use the yoga part to do the meditation) and use it to get to sleep at night.

I had a big breakthrough when I followed the Yoga JournalMediation Revolution series.  (I wrote about my experiences as I was going through them, so see this tag on meditation for all of the entries. As with the DVD, I had my own yoga practice and skipped that, using only the recording at the bottom of the page.) It took me a couple of months to get through the whole series, and it was hard, but I grew tremendously from it. I use techniques from the Great Heart meditation when I need to feel connected to my HP. In fact, the whole series made me more independent in my meditation and I can now sit quietly and meditate on my own, using my own intuition instead of a recording.

These days, at night before I go to bed I do some kind of relaxation yoga practice and then sit quietly in bed and meditate. This helps wind me down so I can sleep, no matter what is going on in my life at the moment. I feel that I have been working Step 11 hard over the past few months, but now I am reaping great rewards from it.

Changing Attitudes

I have not written much for this blog this month for several reasons. First, I have some personal things that I don’t feel like exploring here right now. Also, I just finished Nanowrimo  – which is writing 50,000 words of a novel during the month of November. I am preparing some entries on Step and Tradition 11, to be posted soon.  

(Photo by ScooterZen of Stock.xhhng.)

I have been going to meetings and doing my Al Anon studies, though. I somehow switched up my meetings. Now I go to a Monday night literature meeting with people I have not seen in a long time, instead of my crowded Wednesday night step study meeting. On Saturday evenings I found a great legacy meeting – they address the step, tradition and concept of the month as an interconnecting unit.

On Wednesday before Thanksgiving I went to a meeting that I do not get to unless I have a day off (which I did that day). I was not sure I wanted to go as I had a lot of Thanksgiving prep to do. (I bake all of the pies for our gathering while Boyfriend’s sister does the turkey.) I ran into a friend I have not seen in a long time and told her about my personal situation, which, while I was adjusting to it, was very stressful. Instead of seeing this as loss and unwanted change, she said. “How wonderful that you are able to make that change!” That was all that I needed from that meeting that day – that one sentence from her reminded me to adjust my attitude.

In Al Anon we talk a lot about changing attitudes, but it is not always easy to put it in the perspective without someone else to talk to. That meeting, of course, turned to be about changing attitudes. I was reminded to not let other disturb my serenity and that I had to sometimes wait and “move through” my problems without letting them get the best of me.

The Al-Anon Promises: Part 1 – Joy, Fulfillment and Wonder

Over the next few months, I’m going to write a series of blog entries about the Al-Anon promises, addressing them one at a time and thinking about how they apply to my life. The first promise states…

“If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.”

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

From my viewpoint, this particular statement starts out the list of Al Anon Promises with a bit of a fantastical note. (For a full list of the promises see page 269 of From Survival to Recovery for all of the Promises.) I mean, "joy, fulfillment and wonder" sounds like a Disney movie. But, I guess I can say I've found these things through Al-Anon's 12 Steps. I more tend to think that I've found serenity, spirituality, and self confidence through them. But, I will think about this.

"...willingly surrender...to the spiritual discipline..." Well, I think "surrender" is an interesting choice of words, because I think of actively working the steps, but then I work to surrender. 

"...our lives will be transformed." Yes, but it has be slow, over the course of years. Al Anon emphasizes slow progress and we work on ourselves all of our lives. It takes awhile to transform, but it does happen. I've transformed by becoming "mature and responsible", by making careful decisions and not giving in to old, destructive patterns of behavior.

Joy- I've found joy mainly through discovering a Higher Power, as in Steps 2, 3, 5 and 11. The joy comes from looking at the beauty of the world in the face of my problems. I don't exactly ignore my problems, but I do find ways to solve them more constructively and make sure they don't take over my whole life.

Fulfillment- I can say I'm happier and because I've learned to look at things differently, I can take care of myself and feel fulfilled even when things are difficult. Yes, I may not have exactly the solution to the problem right now, but I can find fulfillment in other relationships, interests, work or spirituality. When things are bad, there are always other things to look to balance out the difficulties. 

Wonder- I do find wonder in the weirdest places. I've always loved nature, but my wonder in Al Anon has turned to people. Since we are supposed to keep our hobbies, opinions and professions out of the meetings, I love so many people for who they are as people. This is a great source of wonderment for me, as I've never been a people person before I came to Al Anon.

I can say there have been some drastic positive changes in my life since I came to Al-Anon. Even if I do not like the way this promise is worded it is true to some extent.