Al Anon's Step 12

I’ve been very busy lately but I knew that if I skip writing about the step of the month I’d regret it later. So, here are some quick thoughts.

(Photo by Ann- Kathrin Rehse.)

Al Anon’s Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

In so many meetings I've been to, I often hear people say "I wanted what she had" because they have a moment of clarity when they see the program working in someone else and they don't want to live their old life anymore. I have certainly had those moments, but I knew I was working step 12 during the first time I was a speaker at an Al Anon group. I told my story (which I thought was unremarkable in the face of what others went through) and shared some thoughts on how Al Anon helped me to overcome this.

After the meeting, a crying woman came up to me in the ladies room and wanted my phone number because she thought I was the most amazing speaker she had ever heard. It was a little scary, really, especially since I only told my story and didn’t say or do anything spectacular. I knew that it was the first time anyone wanted what I had, in an Al Anon sense. One way I work step 12, then, is to just live my life according to the program and talk about it whenever appropriate.  Living my life well is the best way to spread the message.

I’ve heard that a spiritual awakening is a dramatic shift in your perspective. The strongest message is the change in you. This step comes at the end, because we need to get ourselves in order before we have what we need to pass to others.

Al Anon's Tradition 12

Al-Anon’s Tradition 12:  Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

(Photo by Billy Alexander.)

I don’t have many notes on Tradition 12 but I made a few observations based on readings from Al Anon literature.

Tradition 12 ensures that one member is not held above another. At an Al-Anon meeting I once encountered a famous person who stared on a television show. My hometown also happens to be theirs. This person needed the same help that the rest of us do, and they were able to walk in the room without being swamped for autographs or gossiped about. This tradition also protects us, the “little guy” as the less famous (or less experienced) can get an equal chance at help.


Recently, at a meeting I realized that protecting someone else’s anonymity is best done when we focus on ourselves and not on others. I think this is one of the reasons why gossip is so frowned upon in Al Anon—it helps people to stay in their downward spiral without addressing their own problems and character defects.

Do we really need anonymity?

Recently I wrote about Al Anon's Tradition 11 and I pondered the idea of guarding the anonymity of AA members, as stated in that tradition. The New York Daily News article "Has AA's anonymity outlives its usefulness?" caught my eye when someone I know posted it on Facebook. It bothers me a bit because I think that some people don’t “get” the idea of anonymity. It is one thing for someone to say that they don’t need to be anonymous, but when people come into twelve step programs they deserve the safety of anonymity.

(Photo by Saivann of Stock.xchng.)

The author of this anonymity article argues that if alcoholics stay anonymous it keeps the disease in the shadows. It argues that people still become personalities though known by AA nicknames. (In our Al Anon group, for example, we have Big Bill, Little Joan, ect. because we do not know their last names, but when you say that most people in our area know who they are.) Still,  the very basic point of 12 step traditions is that some people just do not want to make it known that they or anyone they know has an alcohol problem. Those of us in these programs need to protect these people above all because many newcomers feel intimidated about revealing their problem  and we do not want to scare them away. The idea of anonymity should still be personally left to the participant in the program and no one should ever feel pressure to reveal this kind of information outside of the rooms.

The article quotes a doctor who commends Betty Ford for coming out about her addiction but then says he has never been in recovery for addiction problems. They also make a point about Betty Ford never drank again. OK, so she wants to show her success—more power to her. But, another reason I believe that people need to be protected is if in case they “slip” they can recover themselves without the whole world asking them all about what happened.

Someone in the comments for the anonymity article mentioned "humility" and so I think that this article ignores the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous (and other 12 step programs), which states that.the common welfare of the group should come first and that members must place principals above personalities Members of groups like AA and Al Anon want to work on their own disease, not promote a particular person. In the comments section for the anonymity article, Melvino states that AA members can tell people who they are if they want, but it is in the media that they must be careful to maintain anonymity with. True, but again, that is an individual choice.

The Al Anon Promises Part 2 : Perfection

Al-Anon Promise #2: Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both worthy of love and loving.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

I was always one of those people striving for perfection, so learning to not be afraid of my own imperfections has been a big one for me. One way this used to come out was through house cleaning. I used to spend my day off cleaning the baseboards or making the perfect dish. None of these things really needed to be done, but I could not understand that at the time. Yet, I was very frustrated at how my life was always taken up by never ending housework, and I was always exhausted. I was afraid that if I were not perfect, someone would find fault with everything that I had done and be angry at me. This was a consequence of growing up with alcoholism, and a demanding alcoholic mother.

However, perfection was not the way to bring out my best self, but letting go of perfection was. When this promise mentions "continued spiritual progress" I take it to mean "Let go and Let God". In fact, many of the slogans help me let go of perfection, including "Keep it simple." and "How important is it?" This gave me a way to check myself, so that instead of starching and ironing the living room curtains I could be bike riding or reading or going to an Al Anon meeting. Through easing up and cultivating a relationship with my Higher Power instead, I can truly sort out what is important in life. And yes, I found that people still love me, even if I have dirty baseboards or limp curtains. In Al Anon I learned the value of loving people for who they are and I know that there are people who also love me unconditionally.

You can read all of the Al Anon Promises on p. 269 of From Survival to Recovery or on this web page for a California Al Anon group.