Al Anon’s Tradition 11

Al-Anon’s Tradition 11-- Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. Al-Anon Addition: We need guard with special care the anonymity of all A.A. members.

(Photo by Sem Rox.)

Tradition 11 “defines our public relations policy” according to Paths to Recovery (p.227 of the 1997 edition). The anonymity part is the key to this tradition. It places principals above personalities and makes it seem more human, as opposed to commercial.

I think of this tradition as being linked to Al Anon’s Step 12-  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. We cannot tell other people what to do, nor can we make them come to the program. Also in Paths to Recovery, there is a little story about how you can lead a chain but not push it (p.230 of the 1997 edition). We can attract people to Al Anon by living the principals to the best of our ability and allow them to see the benefits in us. Soon, they may want what we have – serenity.

At one of the new meetings I’ve been attending they read the page on the tradition of the month out of The Al Anon pamphlet The Twelve Steps and Traditions at the beginning of each meeting. I never paid much attention to the part of Tradition 11 that says, “We need guard with special care the anonymity of all A.A. members.” I just assumed that I should not identify anyone I saw in any 12 step program, ever, But, recently I was struck by a passage in the Twelve Steps pamphlet that mentions, “When alcoholics are still drinking they have no anonymity; their own conduct exposes the fact of their alcoholism.” P.22 When I first heard that read I thought “Wait – that is a little bit harsh.”  Here I am thinking that tradition applies to every alcoholic.

I see the passage in Twelve Steps as a form of detachment. When the alcoholic is drinking, we often try to cover for them. But, we must allow them to face the consequences of their own actions. If the alcoholics are working to stay sober and clean up their past we have no business holding them responsible for it and we need not mention their A.A. membership. Really, there is no reason to mention another person’s alcoholism at any point – drunk or sober. Their behavior is what it is and we can’t change that. But we can allow them to be who they are at that point and to experience the good and bad of their decisions.  

Al-Anon's Step 11

Al-Anon's Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Sometimes I think of this as my favorite step, and many times it looms large in my mind as one I am consciously working on. However, going through my notebooks I realized that I have not been to very many meetings on Step 11. I procrastinated in writing on this step as I have gone through a lot lately and writing about how I work this step is almost too personal to share at this time. But, I will write about how I got into it.

(Photo by Selma Yalazi.)

I was not excited about the “prayer” part of this step in the beginning because I had some issues with the religion of my origin. I thought of prayer as an obligatory thing, and so when I did it I rarely felt a connection with God. The idea of meditation was, and still is, more accessible to me. To get used to talking to my Higher Power on an intimate basis I had to learn to be quiet so I could tune in to the messages I was supposed to receive. I learned that I should not pray for others or for a specific cause, but to ask for guidance in my situation. Then, I had to accept how my Higher Power resolved my problems, which may not be the way I intended. I have to be confident that my Higher Power will take care of my loved ones and myself and that things will work out, even if I don't know how.

Learning to meditate had been a big part of my Al Anon experience. For most of my life I could not imagine sitting still and clearing my mind for even three seconds.  I found yoga invaluable for calming my mind for mediation as I could work out the compulsion to always be doing or thinking about something and instead focus on the class. (I have heard is the original purpose of the yoga poses – to quiet your mind and to focus on meditation.) Part of the reason I began taking yoga classes is that I knew that there was meditation included in the class, and I had no idea of how to do meditation on my own. I knew I needed someone else to guide me. It is only in recent months that I began doing meditation on my own. 

I tried a number of different ways to learn meditation outside of Al Anon and yoga. Once, a Buddhist monk led a meditation workshop at the local library, and that helped a lot. At that time I was not yet practicing yoga and the monk helped us to learn how to just sit in a regular chair and meditate. He said for us to simply sit upright, place our feet flat on the floor, and rest our hands in our lap. (I mention this because an Al-Anon friend injured himself trying to meditate. He thought you had to meditate while sitting cross legged on the floor, but he did not realize that at his age he was no longer physically able to do so.)

I did not get much out of reading books on the subject, even though I am a big reader and love to learn "how to" from books. It seemed to me that books were full of quick novelty exercises while what I needed was just to listen to someone else guide me. I found a couple of web sites with recorded meditations on them, and YouTube had plenty. (Alas, my favorite night time sleep meditation from that time has been removed.) I also like the evening meditation from the DVD AM and PM Meditation featuring Rodney Yee and Maritza. I would put it on my bedroom TV, skip the yoga part (because I have my own practice, but it is not necessary to use the yoga part to do the meditation) and use it to get to sleep at night.

I had a big breakthrough when I followed the Yoga JournalMediation Revolution series.  (I wrote about my experiences as I was going through them, so see this tag on meditation for all of the entries. As with the DVD, I had my own yoga practice and skipped that, using only the recording at the bottom of the page.) It took me a couple of months to get through the whole series, and it was hard, but I grew tremendously from it. I use techniques from the Great Heart meditation when I need to feel connected to my HP. In fact, the whole series made me more independent in my meditation and I can now sit quietly and meditate on my own, using my own intuition instead of a recording.

These days, at night before I go to bed I do some kind of relaxation yoga practice and then sit quietly in bed and meditate. This helps wind me down so I can sleep, no matter what is going on in my life at the moment. I feel that I have been working Step 11 hard over the past few months, but now I am reaping great rewards from it.

Changing Attitudes

I have not written much for this blog this month for several reasons. First, I have some personal things that I don’t feel like exploring here right now. Also, I just finished Nanowrimo  – which is writing 50,000 words of a novel during the month of November. I am preparing some entries on Step and Tradition 11, to be posted soon.  

(Photo by ScooterZen of Stock.xhhng.)

I have been going to meetings and doing my Al Anon studies, though. I somehow switched up my meetings. Now I go to a Monday night literature meeting with people I have not seen in a long time, instead of my crowded Wednesday night step study meeting. On Saturday evenings I found a great legacy meeting – they address the step, tradition and concept of the month as an interconnecting unit.

On Wednesday before Thanksgiving I went to a meeting that I do not get to unless I have a day off (which I did that day). I was not sure I wanted to go as I had a lot of Thanksgiving prep to do. (I bake all of the pies for our gathering while Boyfriend’s sister does the turkey.) I ran into a friend I have not seen in a long time and told her about my personal situation, which, while I was adjusting to it, was very stressful. Instead of seeing this as loss and unwanted change, she said. “How wonderful that you are able to make that change!” That was all that I needed from that meeting that day – that one sentence from her reminded me to adjust my attitude.

In Al Anon we talk a lot about changing attitudes, but it is not always easy to put it in the perspective without someone else to talk to. That meeting, of course, turned to be about changing attitudes. I was reminded to not let other disturb my serenity and that I had to sometimes wait and “move through” my problems without letting them get the best of me.

The Al-Anon Promises: Part 1 – Joy, Fulfillment and Wonder

Over the next few months, I’m going to write a series of blog entries about the Al-Anon promises, addressing them one at a time and thinking about how they apply to my life. The first promise states…

“If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.”

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

From my viewpoint, this particular statement starts out the list of Al Anon Promises with a bit of a fantastical note. (For a full list of the promises see page 269 of From Survival to Recovery for all of the Promises.) I mean, "joy, fulfillment and wonder" sounds like a Disney movie. But, I guess I can say I've found these things through Al-Anon's 12 Steps. I more tend to think that I've found serenity, spirituality, and self confidence through them. But, I will think about this.

"...willingly surrender...to the spiritual discipline..." Well, I think "surrender" is an interesting choice of words, because I think of actively working the steps, but then I work to surrender. 

"...our lives will be transformed." Yes, but it has be slow, over the course of years. Al Anon emphasizes slow progress and we work on ourselves all of our lives. It takes awhile to transform, but it does happen. I've transformed by becoming "mature and responsible", by making careful decisions and not giving in to old, destructive patterns of behavior.

Joy- I've found joy mainly through discovering a Higher Power, as in Steps 2, 3, 5 and 11. The joy comes from looking at the beauty of the world in the face of my problems. I don't exactly ignore my problems, but I do find ways to solve them more constructively and make sure they don't take over my whole life.

Fulfillment- I can say I'm happier and because I've learned to look at things differently, I can take care of myself and feel fulfilled even when things are difficult. Yes, I may not have exactly the solution to the problem right now, but I can find fulfillment in other relationships, interests, work or spirituality. When things are bad, there are always other things to look to balance out the difficulties. 

Wonder- I do find wonder in the weirdest places. I've always loved nature, but my wonder in Al Anon has turned to people. Since we are supposed to keep our hobbies, opinions and professions out of the meetings, I love so many people for who they are as people. This is a great source of wonderment for me, as I've never been a people person before I came to Al Anon.

I can say there have been some drastic positive changes in my life since I came to Al-Anon. Even if I do not like the way this promise is worded it is true to some extent.

Fall Workshop Topic #3: Accepting Serenity

I used to be one of those people who could never relax especially when times were pleasant. I’ve worked hard on this while I’ve been in Al-Anon, but it is still a struggle. So, I went to the Accepting Serenity session at our district’s 2012 Fall workshop. Here are some of the things I was thinking about that day.

(Photo by Calvin Dexter.)

Part of serenity is being self aware but realizing that things are not all about me. I can make better choices instead of jumping to respond to a crisis, or what I think is a crisis. I have to learn how to relax and not spend all my time “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. People say “The longest 18 inches is from your head to your heart” and so that is a reminder to think more rationally. I have to think, “What way do I actually want to spend my time?” Chances are, it is not worrying, fretting and obsessing.

As for our dealing s with others, we have to accept that people are on the path that their Higher Power set for them. If I feel that a person is toxic I do not have to be around them in an intimate way, I can detach. I can still not like what someone is doing but still not have it effect me. 

Serenity is not the absence of problems. Being present and in the moment leads to serenity.

Fall Workshop Topic #2: The Al-Anon Promises

When I was at the Fall workshop for my district this year I couldn’t decide which topic to go to for the second session. (It seems that with these Fall Workshop topics I want to go to everything or to nothing.) I decided to go to something labeled “The Al-Anon Promises” because it seemed like something new. Actually in the three years I’ve been in Al-Anon I’ve never been to a meeting about the Promises. I’m sure I read about them and then forgot them, as they are listed on page 269 of Paths to Recovery, but in paragraph form. (A web site for California Al Anon members lists them on this page. ) I decided that for this blog I would take one promise at a time and write about them as time goes by. At the very least, it would give me topics when I can’t think of anything. But, for right now here are some general thoughts from the workshop session.

(Illustration by Amy Burton.)

The promises are actually ways that many people have cultivated better lives as a result of working the program. They are directly related to working Al Anon’s 12 steps. As the first promise states, “If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.” Someone brought up the idea that some people question whether or not these are actually promises. Nobody wanted to get into that argument, but in the Serenity workshop I attended later in the day someone brought up some concerns about the word "promise". They said that they personally thought of things like the Al Anon promises as "gifts. From their experience, they learned to think of "promises" as a way for someone to manipulate them. Fair enough.

I have also heard that these Promises are a bit controversial because some people never achieve all of them. Well, they are what they are. I don't think they are intended as a guide, like the 12 steps, but a way to provide hope for people as they struggle with the program. A little incentive, if you will. I can look at the list and see encouragement for what I need right now. For example, "Courage and fellowship will replace fear." "Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame." and "We will laugh more." are all things that I need right now, which give me encouragement for the future. If I had to remove the sticky title of "Al Anon Promises" I'd call this list "Hope for the Future" instead.