The Al Anon Promises Part 3: Reality and Truth

Well,  I got sidetracked on writing about the Al Anon promises but then when I was looking for something to write I came across a posting of them on an Al Anon forum. I believe that number 3 is next for me, which is....

3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.

I link this promise a lot with the idea of being "restored to sanity". These days I have a moment every so often where I think, "This is crazy and unrealistic. Yet, the people around me all think this is normal." 

I used to get caught up in all kinds of crazy things, mostly because I felt like I had to get along and make things work. I didn't understand that I was confused, or that I did not see reality.

There is one story I sometimes tell at Al Anon meetings because I showed that I was too wrapped up

(Photo by Lena Pautina.)

in alcoholic dysfunction to see what was rational. When I was young I got a job teaching kids in a special summer program. The site that was to host my group's branch of the program pulled out a couple of days before the kids were to arrive and we were left stranded. On that day I sat with my fellow instructors and our supervisor in a local McDonalds as she made lots of phone calls trying to get us another space.

Well, there came a call from a local rec center so we all piled into cars and headed over. Once we were there, the man who ran the place said we could have an upstairs room but the kids in his program would have the rest of the space, including the gym and cafeteria. This room was about the size of a large living room and we had 120 kids with about 5 or 6 instructors. This was in no way a realistic solution...but I did not see that.

I immediately jumped in and tried to get everyone else to see how great this could work. I tried to get them to see that we could group the kids in a certain way and send each instructor into one of the corners or part of the middle. I really thought that this could actually work if we only tried. Though I did not realize it I was thinking that the first option was the only option and we had to make it work no matter what. I grew up in an alcoholic home where I didn't have many choices and I usually just had to work with what I was given. I kept trying to make this situation work, like jamming a square peg into a round hole.

Well, no, my coworkers were saner than I and rebelled. Luckily, another site came through for us and it was so big that all of us instructors even had our own classrooms. (Our Higher Power worked it out for us, despite my meddling.)

So, now it is like a "light bulb moment" when I realize that something is not rational. I know that I have choices and I can take time to decide for myself what is a rational and workable solution. That can often mean not taking the first solution that comes along.  I can respond rather than to react.

You can read all of the Al Anon Promises on p. 269 of From Survival to Recovery or on this web page for a California Al Anon group.

Forgiveness

I decided that in order to help me use this blog better that I should write something each week, outside of just talking about the steps. I had to secretary my online group in August and I enjoyed writing the little blurbs to start off the topic. So, for lack of anything I felt very passionate about writing, I looked to that group again for inspiration. The topic this week is forgiveness. Ugh. I don't want to write about that but my Al Anon experience tells me that not wanting to write about something is my way of avoiding it.

(Photo by Dario Dzimbeg.)

I hate saying, "I forgive you." Why? I don't know, except that in the past I always felt that forgiveness was something that I was not able to choose to do on my own. In school and church we were taught that this was a value we all needed to stress. It was almost automatic-- if someone wrongs us we should forgive right away. I didn't understand that forgiveness was a process and it was ok if it took awhile. I felt guilty if I did not truly forgive someone in someone else's time.

When I met my boyfriend forgiveness became harder because when I felt the pressure to forgive I became very resentful. When he would do something that I felt was wrong and I would try to talk to him about it he would badger me and keep saying, "Let it go! Let it go!" without really giving me a chance to talk. He implied that something was wrong with me if I did not automatically forgive him. I flashed back to the teachings of my youth and while I honestly did not forgive him, I felt I could not say any more or I would look like the one who could not be mature about things.

So, I had a lot to learn about this when I came to Al Anon. My boyfriend was one of the most difficult people to consider when doing Al Anon's Step 8 and Step 9. It was hard for me to see how I had wronged him because I was so resentful of how he treated me. One of the most important things I learned while doing these steps is changing what I accept from others. My sponsor said that a good way to make amends with someone is to simply change my behavior, and that extended to no longer accepting unacceptable behavior.

I was a bit confused by this. When I now know as setting boundaries sounded like harsh behavior. I began to try to talk to my boyfriend differently. When he would badger me to forgive him, I told him that I can't be ordered to forgive, and that it was a process that I had to do within myself and in my own time. He didn't know what to say to that. I gradually learned that his behavior was a defense mechanism and that he was responsible for that behavior, not me.

When I say he is responsible for his own behavior, this is another liberation that came from Steps 4-9. I learned to separate my responsibilities from his behavior. I also learned a lot more about alcoholism.  I can forgive him in a more genuine way because I can see how his disease affects him. I know how to better talk to him so I can "say what I mean but don't say it mean." (Another favorite saying of my sponsor.) I can set my boundaries in the beginning so there is less resentment and more constructive communication.(I wrote more about some of these things in my entry "Expecting Amends from Others".)