Forgiveness

I decided that in order to help me use this blog better that I should write something each week, outside of just talking about the steps. I had to secretary my online group in August and I enjoyed writing the little blurbs to start off the topic. So, for lack of anything I felt very passionate about writing, I looked to that group again for inspiration. The topic this week is forgiveness. Ugh. I don't want to write about that but my Al Anon experience tells me that not wanting to write about something is my way of avoiding it.

(Photo by Dario Dzimbeg.)

I hate saying, "I forgive you." Why? I don't know, except that in the past I always felt that forgiveness was something that I was not able to choose to do on my own. In school and church we were taught that this was a value we all needed to stress. It was almost automatic-- if someone wrongs us we should forgive right away. I didn't understand that forgiveness was a process and it was ok if it took awhile. I felt guilty if I did not truly forgive someone in someone else's time.

When I met my boyfriend forgiveness became harder because when I felt the pressure to forgive I became very resentful. When he would do something that I felt was wrong and I would try to talk to him about it he would badger me and keep saying, "Let it go! Let it go!" without really giving me a chance to talk. He implied that something was wrong with me if I did not automatically forgive him. I flashed back to the teachings of my youth and while I honestly did not forgive him, I felt I could not say any more or I would look like the one who could not be mature about things.

So, I had a lot to learn about this when I came to Al Anon. My boyfriend was one of the most difficult people to consider when doing Al Anon's Step 8 and Step 9. It was hard for me to see how I had wronged him because I was so resentful of how he treated me. One of the most important things I learned while doing these steps is changing what I accept from others. My sponsor said that a good way to make amends with someone is to simply change my behavior, and that extended to no longer accepting unacceptable behavior.

I was a bit confused by this. When I now know as setting boundaries sounded like harsh behavior. I began to try to talk to my boyfriend differently. When he would badger me to forgive him, I told him that I can't be ordered to forgive, and that it was a process that I had to do within myself and in my own time. He didn't know what to say to that. I gradually learned that his behavior was a defense mechanism and that he was responsible for that behavior, not me.

When I say he is responsible for his own behavior, this is another liberation that came from Steps 4-9. I learned to separate my responsibilities from his behavior. I also learned a lot more about alcoholism.  I can forgive him in a more genuine way because I can see how his disease affects him. I know how to better talk to him so I can "say what I mean but don't say it mean." (Another favorite saying of my sponsor.) I can set my boundaries in the beginning so there is less resentment and more constructive communication.(I wrote more about some of these things in my entry "Expecting Amends from Others".)