Unacceptable Behavior and Character Defects

It is funny how weird things come together in programs like Al Anon. On Sunday I didn't go to church with my boyfriend because he was sick. Instead I went to an Al Anon meeting at a local college. There is a lot of 12 stepping at this place on Sunday. There is a big AA meeting in a basement lecture hall and 2 different Al Anon meetings upstairs in some regular classrooms. I usually go to the Al-Anon meeting that has a speaker on the step of the week.

(Photo by David Lat.)

Well, on Sunday there was a problem with the room for that meeting and so we combined with the other Al Anon meeting, which is where they read the day's passage from Courage to Change and discuss it. The groups were gracious about combining for that day and I heard both the speaker and the September 23rd reading from the book. The reading was about unacceptable behavior and the speaker talked about Step 7 (Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.). In an interesting way they both came together for me.

In the reading the writer described how another program member handled a rude store clerk by acting courteously instead of behaving more aggressively. The writer, like I thought so many times, asked herself why this was happening even though Al-Anon teaches us to not accept unacceptable behavior.  This was a conundrum I had myself for a long time and I realized something with this. "Not accepting" doesn't only mean standing up for yourself but it also means that old Al Anon saying "Don't pick it up if it isn't yours." So, the person in the reading did not engage with the rude clerk -- this was the smartest thing to do as a daily confrontation would get her nowhere. I've been thinking about this kind of thing a lot because my boyfriend is under a lot of pressure and therefore occasionally offensive, rude and argumentative. I have to keep in mind that this tension is his, not mine, and I don't have to take it on and so I don't need to engage with this behavior.

Ahhh...this is where Step 7 comes in, where we humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. The "humility" part is important here, because I have to put aside my character defects for the good of our relationship. (I like to think of Al-Anon's Tradition 1 for relationship issues: "Our common welfare comes first; personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity.") Yes, I am offended by some petty thing, but where would it get us if I kept harping on it? There are other ways to resolve the problem. Knowing that my boyfriend has a good heart and a strong AA program, I have to trust that he can take his own inventory and manage his own attitudes. I've seen plenty of evidence of this in the past and I know he can come out of this on his own and be a great guy again.