Al Anon’s Tradition 1

Al Anon’s Tradition 1: Our common welfare should come first. Personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity.

I’ve been around Al Anon enough to see this tradition working (or not working) in the groups and how we should keep the traditions in mind. But, one night it really rang true to me because I could see how it could work in my life outside the program.

(Photo by artM of Stock.xchng.)

A couple of years ago I was having trouble with my boyfriend and it seemed that we were on the verge of breaking up. I went to an Al Anon meeting on Tradition 1. People at the meeting talked about their families and how they used this tradition to keep the peace in their households. They talked about agreeing to disagree and being equal to those around you. I also learned to listen with love even when I didn’t agree with the person. I realized that, as a couple, our common welfare should come first and that we should put that first, above petty personal issues.

Now when I think that I have a bone to pick, this tradition stops me in my tracks. Arguing, criticizing or other destructive behavior will not help keep us together. We can still be individuals, but if I am behaving in a way that will separate us, I am not thinking of “our common welfare”.

Al Anon's Step 1

Al Anon’s Step 1: We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

When I first came to I was a bit offended by Al Anon’s first step. After all, I did not drink myself. What really helped me was when I heard that some members think of it as being powerless over other people. Since then, I’ve learned a lot more about the subtleties in Step 1.

I’ve learned that I can also think of this step as being powerless over how alcohol affects others. In our meetings we talk about the “3 Cs”—we didn’t cause the alcoholism, can’t cure it and can’t control it. But we can contribute to it. I realized that I was trying to control another person’s alcoholism by putting their needs first or jumping in to make it all better.

(Photo by Andrey Gorshkov.)

Step one is a good step for me to be on these days as my boyfriend has tremendous family problems and seems to be on a slippery slope. This is the hard part—I have to “love him through it” (as they say in the rooms) and “provide support and encouragement to the alcoholic” (as they say in the Al Anon preamble). Though, it is hard to be supportive and encouraging when he’s skipped all of his AA meetings for the past few weeks for what seems like a weak excuse.I can't comment on any of this -- I have to just trust that he will right himself and find his own way.

One important thing I realized in my time at was that I learned to accept that the alcoholic (and everybody else) has their own Higher Power. I should have no need to keep track of all the little things that other people are doing. Snooping was one way that I realized I was trying to control people. One of the first things I did when I first came to the program was to stop checking who called my boyfriends phone or asking him all the details of his phone call when he takes a call in my presence. I learned that obsessive thinking is a sign that I should think harder about working Step 1. Internal chaos is a sign that life is unmanageable. Reassurance should come from my relationship with my Higher Power rather from other people.

 Step one also helps me with arguments. In my early days in Al Anon I sat in a meeting talking about a fight I had with my boyfriend and how I felt like I was going in circles with him. After the meeting the guy next to me turned to me and said, “There’s no reasoning with an alcoholic.” At the time I thought that was extreme but at the same time very true. When we talk about being “restored to sanity” (as in Step) we can understand that an alcoholic is manipulating us and creating diversions to avoid the real issue. However, keeping my lessons in mind, I try not to react. I don’t want my serenity (or sanity) disrupted, so the best thing to do is to not react to crazy behavior or attempts to engage me in arguments. I try to accept being powerless over his behavior and try to understand that his behavior is a reflection on him and not me.

In the past I also wrote a little about detachment and Step one in my entry “Letting Go of the Rope”