Al Anon's Step 1

Al Anon’s Step 1: We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

When I first came to I was a bit offended by Al Anon’s first step. After all, I did not drink myself. What really helped me was when I heard that some members think of it as being powerless over other people. Since then, I’ve learned a lot more about the subtleties in Step 1.

I’ve learned that I can also think of this step as being powerless over how alcohol affects others. In our meetings we talk about the “3 Cs”—we didn’t cause the alcoholism, can’t cure it and can’t control it. But we can contribute to it. I realized that I was trying to control another person’s alcoholism by putting their needs first or jumping in to make it all better.

(Photo by Andrey Gorshkov.)

Step one is a good step for me to be on these days as my boyfriend has tremendous family problems and seems to be on a slippery slope. This is the hard part—I have to “love him through it” (as they say in the rooms) and “provide support and encouragement to the alcoholic” (as they say in the Al Anon preamble). Though, it is hard to be supportive and encouraging when he’s skipped all of his AA meetings for the past few weeks for what seems like a weak excuse.I can't comment on any of this -- I have to just trust that he will right himself and find his own way.

One important thing I realized in my time at was that I learned to accept that the alcoholic (and everybody else) has their own Higher Power. I should have no need to keep track of all the little things that other people are doing. Snooping was one way that I realized I was trying to control people. One of the first things I did when I first came to the program was to stop checking who called my boyfriends phone or asking him all the details of his phone call when he takes a call in my presence. I learned that obsessive thinking is a sign that I should think harder about working Step 1. Internal chaos is a sign that life is unmanageable. Reassurance should come from my relationship with my Higher Power rather from other people.

 Step one also helps me with arguments. In my early days in Al Anon I sat in a meeting talking about a fight I had with my boyfriend and how I felt like I was going in circles with him. After the meeting the guy next to me turned to me and said, “There’s no reasoning with an alcoholic.” At the time I thought that was extreme but at the same time very true. When we talk about being “restored to sanity” (as in Step) we can understand that an alcoholic is manipulating us and creating diversions to avoid the real issue. However, keeping my lessons in mind, I try not to react. I don’t want my serenity (or sanity) disrupted, so the best thing to do is to not react to crazy behavior or attempts to engage me in arguments. I try to accept being powerless over his behavior and try to understand that his behavior is a reflection on him and not me.

In the past I also wrote a little about detachment and Step one in my entry “Letting Go of the Rope”

Letting Go of the Rope

It is Sunday and I planned to do my week one check-in for "The Artist's Way" today but my brain is tired. I often feel this way so I decided that Monday should be my check-in and Sunday should be my mental day of rest. The only exception is that if I can, I go to a great Al Anon step meeting on Sunday morning.

(photo by Magda Zych)

I've had my ups and downs with step meetings. When I first came to Al Anon the two easiest meetings to go to were both step meetings with the same format. The Paths to Recovery book was passed around and we each took turns reading the chapter about that week's step. I usually got something out of each meeting but I quickly began to feel like I was going around and around on the steps and I hadn't worked many of them (if any). That book felt like a school book and I hated to look at it. Monday would be something like step one and Wednesday would be something far off like step 9 or 11. Soon I managed to seek out literature meetings, which were more of what I could digest at the time. I only returned to one of the old step meetings upon the recommendation of my sponsor when I first started working with her. Then, they meant more to me because I had more Al Anon experience.

During the summer my boyfriend was asked to speak at an AA meeting and I went along to investigate the Al Anon meeting upstairs. It is a GREAT step meeting. Instead of reading the book they have speakers every week and I get a lot out of that, especially since I've heard many dear program friends speak in detail about a specific step.

Today I really didn't know the speaker but I got a lot out of what she said. She spoke on step one, and I could identify with a lot of what she said because I realized that I have been practicing step one with my boyfriend a lot these days. She told this story about talking to an Al Anon friend about her frustrations. The friend said, "Let go of the rope." When the speaker was puzzled the friend explained, "It takes two people to play tug-of-war. If you drop the rope, you win." So, this opened up a great discussion about "surrendering to win". Now I have a great visual image in my head thanks to this woman. If things get to difficult with someone else I can just "drop the rope" and relinquish my "power" to gain my sanity.