Self Care

Here is another thing that I originally posted to an online group earlier in the week.

The idea of self care was a difficult one for me when I first came to Al Anon. for most of my life I thought that the things I now see as self care were selfish and frivolous. Why should I take a nap in the middle of the afternoon or go for a bike ride when I have so many things to do or other people need me?

(Photo by Alex Bramwell.)

In my local Al Anon groups we often remind each other of what you hear on airplanes-- we need to put on our own oxygen masks before we can help others. When I worked Al Anon's 4th step for the first time it helped me realize I was sadly lacking in self care. After reading questions in the workbook that some members use for a 4th step inventory, I began to go to the doctor and dentist regularly. Before, I would always be worried about the expense of this, but now I feel better because I can take care of physical problems when they are small or know that nothing is wrong. (That saves me both money and worry.) 

Another way I learned to take care of myself is through better food. An Al Anon slogan that struck me in the early days was "HALT: hungry, angry, lonely, tired." That gave me a great way to check my behavior, and I realized that I often acted out because I was hungry and irritable or tired. A few months after I came to Al Anon I surprised myself by becoming a vegetarian. This just felt right for me- I realized that some of my irritability and tiredness stemmed from how my body felt after eating certain foods. I feel much better now.

Other things I do for self care include going regularly to Al Anon meetings, meditating, exercising and going to church. While I respect that some others don't care to go to church, it helps me because I like to get there early, sit in the quiet and let my mind settle. It is one of the few places where my loved ones won't dare to bother me!  There is a lot of sense in honoring a day of rest. I realized my Higher Power wants me to rest regularly or I won't be any good to anyone, especially to myself.

Step 12 and a friend

 The other day at work a friend returned from a family vacation in obvious distress. A member of her family had spent the entire vacation drinking excessively and now my friend was worried that the person is an alcoholic.  Of course, I feel very strongly about that issue, but I was glad that I didn't say anything until I was asked about it because another coworker decided to ask her lots of questions about her relative's drinking. He asked her all about how many drinks the person usually has, how many drinks the person had on the day in question, and how many alcoholics were already in the family. This was all in an effort to "help" my friend decide if her relative is an alcoholic. I felt really bad for my friend because it seemed very embarrassing for her.

I knew that my friend would come to me later to talk to me alone, so that is another reason I stayed out of

(Photo by DuBoix of morgueFile.)

the discussion. I didn't want to get into a debate with the second coworker, who seemed very opinionated about the whole thing.  When we did talk I told her that we can't label a person an alcoholic until they declare themselves one. (I always do this at the request of my AA member boyfriend. I find that he is right--calling someone alcoholic when they aren't ready to see that only provokes resistance and confrontation. We need to respect the person to make that decision on their own.) She knew I was in Al Anon and asked for more information.

A couple of days later I gave her some basic pamphlets and told her that I regularly attended a certain meeting if she wanted to come one night. This is what a long time Al Anon member suggested to me--give them the information and don't think any more about it. If they go--great, but if they don't go I haven't invested any needless emotional effort into it. I also know that alcoholism can be a touchy situation for newcomers and that it can take awhile for them to screw up the courage to come to a meeting.

A couple of nights later I attended a meeting where we talked about Tradition 8 (Al Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.) I realized that this is why I didn't give her my "expert" opinion on her situation. I knew from other Al Anon members that simply carrying the message often works best. I think the best thing I can do for my friend now is to just be a good example of an Al Anon member by working my program for myself and keeping the focus on myself.

Choices and Al Anon

This is another post I sent to an online Al Anon group. I was very inspired by a speaker at a recent group. She happened to be a person I admire greatly in the program and I've been thinking about her talk all week.

(Photo by imelenchon of morgueFile.)

Last week I went to a great meeting where the speaker announced that she wanted to talk about choices. I sat there thinking that this was going to be about the "big stuff" --how to change my job, for starters. But, it was more about the little choices we make each day.

During my growing up years at home we had no choices--- we just did what we were told, like it or not. My alcoholic mother could be violent if we did not do what she wanted. At school it was all about choosing the right thing for our future, such as the right path of study that would get us into a good college and then into a good job. So, really, I was pressure to accept what someone else wanted and not even think about what I wanted.

Another thing about my growing up years was that our family always had money problems that were related to the alcoholism. I could not even choose what to wear or what to eat, because our family had to depend on what other people gave us. I always felt guarded around other people, and embarrassed about our situation. I could not even choose to let my own personality come out.

Later, in a relationship with an alcoholic, I let him direct what I wanted to do or I was afraid to say no to him. He was not violent, but because of my mother deep down inside I felt that all alcoholics would be moody and suddenly violent if provoked by the "wrong" thing. So, I knew Al Anon was for me when I read one of those lists of questions I came across in program literature. One question asked, "Do you believe external forces control you?" Yes-- I realized my whole life was about that.

In Al Anon I've learned that yes, I do have choices about what I do with my life, my time off, or even the next five minutes. I learned that "no" is a choice (and a complete sentence) and what other people think I should do with my time is only their opinion, not an order. I gained the courage to choose to not attend family gatherings where "toxic" people were present or decide that I want to take a break from being around someone who does not treat me respectfully. I also set boundaries with people who wanted to trample on my time-- I asked them to work with me to make reasonable plans beforehand and not expect me to drop everything at the last minute for what they wanted. These things were not easy for me to do but it was better for me in the long run because I did not have to make myself unhappy to satisfy someone else's wishes.

Keeping the focus on ourselves

I posted this in an online Al Anon group and wanted to post it here as well. More details about how I personally handled the issue I allude to will be in my entry "Step 12 and a friend".

(Photo by Harry Fodor.)

I have heard that the only way you are too late for an Al Anon meeting is when you arrive after the closing. Sure enough, one day I went to a meeting that I don't go to very often and mixed up the time. Though I only heard the last few minutes, the last speaker talked about Al Anon's Tradition 10 (The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.) She mentioned that she applied that to herself- when she felt she wanted to jump into other people's business she thought, "I have no opinions on issues outside of my own." I loved this- I now consider it my favorite way to keep the focus on myself.

One of the big issues I had when I first came to Al Anon was "advising" other people all of the time. Now that I try to stay quiet when I want to give advice, life is much easier. The other day at work a coworker mentioned a personal issue that I felt strongly about. I was glad that I didn't say anything because another coworker jumped in and began questioning her all about it. It became very embarrassing for me to hear. I know that the second coworker was only trying to help, but it just made it worse--this was exactly the kind of thing I used to do in the past. I'm glad I didn't get into the "controversy" because I now know it would only have made it worse for both me and  the person with the problem.

Al Anon's Tradition 6

Al Anon's tradition 6: Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance, or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should co-operate with Alcoholics Anonymous. 

This entry gets a bit off topic for Tradition 6, but it got me thinking of how we use the traditions to keep the focus on ourselves. The first part of this tradition always seemed rather straightforward to me, but one of the things I wondered about with this tradition is the idea of "cooperating with AA". I guessed it was about the occasional get togethers our groups had on holidays where we got both the AA and Al Anon groups together for one big party. I didn't think much beyond that, but now I realize we must respect the alcoholic and other AA members, while realizing we are still a separate entity.

(Photo by Joana Croft.)

I think the key word in this tradition is "cooperate". We can't join or mix AA and Al Anon groups because we must each remain individual groups. I was told that we do not have AA literature at our meetings because some members use it to focus on what they think the alcoholic should be reading or doing and not focusing on themselves. We need to detach, remain independent and focus on ourselves.

Al Anon has some specific guidelines for members who also belong to other 12 step programs because it would be too easy to allow "outside issues" to override Al Anon focused talk. Even at the combined Al Anon/AA  holiday parties I've noticed that the AA members tend to dominate the sharing. I can see how an Al Anon group could easily loose its identity in such a situation.  I go to a couple of different Al Anon groups where there are AA meetings are going on at the same time and in the same building. Often these members come into our group and, not knowing how else to do it, begin talking about their own alcoholism.  We voted to have a statement read in the beginning asking members of other 12 step programs to refrain from discussing those programs. 

 We also must respect the alcoholic by not getting involved with what is going on at his or her meetings and not invading his or her privacy when it comes to how they work the program in their way. Sometimes we may think they are not doing it the "right" way, but they have their own way of doing things, just like we have ours. 



 

Al Anon's Tradition 5

Al Anon's Tradition 5: Each Al Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics. 

(Photo by Philippe Ramaker.)

I would like to talk about the "welcoming and giving comfort" part of this tradition because of a story in the "Members Share" section of the Tradition 5 chapter in the 1997 edition of  Paths to Recovery.  In the story a woman called an Al Anon phone line and asked for help with someone who was abusing drugs. The  narrator felt "...rejected, alienated and devastated" when the woman she talked to insisted that Al Anon was only for alcohol. Later, the narrator tells of how, while drug abuse seemed to be the main problem, she realized that there was also a history of alcoholism in her family.  Luckily she came back to Al Anon and got help. 

One thing my sponsor always emphasizes is to always  be aware of our appearance to newcomers. We can't judge if they have alcoholism in their lives or not as newcomers are often in denial. Often I meet people who arrive for curiosity or research or because there is no Nar-Anon Family Group in this area and they were told to go to Al Anon instead. Often these people later realize that there is also alcoholism in their lives but they did not want to admit it or did not realize it. 

I found this note to myself in my copy of Paths to Recovery, next to the Al Anon phone line story: "It is not up to you to decide who belongs or if they have alcoholism in their lives. We have to respect how other people define themselves. Do not use this tradition to see who qualifies because these are spiritual traditions and not laws." 

Only the individual can decide if they belong to Al Anon. We can't judge their relatives as alcoholics or get into politics of weather or not the family member  has yet declared themselves an alcoholic. (Though it is respectful to not call someone an alcoholic until they identify themselves as one, members can come to Al Anon simply because they are worried about another person's drinking.) We can only be friendly and accepting and the newcomer will decide if the program is right for them. 

Prayer at Al Anon Meetings

I was writing an entry about Tradition 4 (Each Group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al Anon or AA as a whole.) and I got off track because I realize that the example I was using was not the best one. I'm talking about how some Al Anon groups use The Lord's Prayer as part of the meeting.

I dislike when Al Anon groups close with The Lord's Prayer. I have nothing against it and I say it in church all of the time. However, I don't want to say it at an Al Anon meeting because I think it imposes the idea of one Higher Power on all members. This goes against the Al Anon belief that we need to define our own Higher Power for ourselves. In fact, an Al Anon meeting I attend to regularly was the only one I  knew where members recited The Lord's Prayer. At that particular meeting we had a number of members who had bad experiences with Christian religions and simply did not participate as it was said. At first I recited it along

(Photo by Korry_B of stock.xchng.)

with everyone else but as I watched these members I also began to abstain from reciting the prayer in solidarity with them. As I began to learn more about defining a Higher Power, I absolutely felt that what this group was doing was a violation of Al Anon principals. I was happy when the group voted to abolish this practice, as eventually over half our the members were not saying this prayer!

So, you can imagine how I felt last fall when I went to an Al Anon workshop in a rural area where, at the end, a member sternly called out, "Who's father?" which was their cue to begin, "Our Father..." I was offended by this and I did not participate in that recitation of The Lord's Prayer. I also didn't say anything to members of that group because I was only visiting and it was in an area much different than where I lived. For people there, it was comfortable to assume that God was their Higher Power because the area was predominately white and Christian. If their members ever became offended, I knew it was their problem to work out amongst themselves and they didn't need my interference. I could just go back home to my regular groups where we didn't recite The Lord's Prayer at the end.

 I truly believe that it violates the Al Anon principals to incorporate a specific religion into the meetings. But, it is really ingrained in some 12 step meetings and I've found that some are passionate about keeping it. I am passionate, too, but how important is it that I get upset about what a group that I never go to is doing? I just abstain when it comes up but I'm proud that the group I attend chose to think more carefully about this issue.

Al Anon’s Tradition 3

Al Anon’s Tradition 3: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves  an Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a friend or relative.

(Photo by Marco Michelini.)

As I first understood this tradition, it meant not confusing yourself with too many things when you are a newcomer. Really, it is so members won't give advice that does not relate to the program. In the beginning we ask people to not discuss other philosophies or their professions or religions. This goes back to Tradition 1-- we can do anything we like as individuals, but when we are together as an Al Anon family group we must stick to our common good. It is not helpful to confuse newcomers with ideas about different or conflicting ideas about alcoholism when they just need to take care of themselves and get better.

We also need to let our Al Anon meetings be a safe place for people who are suspicious of authority, or who are confused by too many opinions, self-help theories and “experts”. For example, as I grew up I had many counselors, teachers and other authority figures telling me what was wrong with me and what I needed to do about my parent’s alcoholism. At Al Anon, I can simply listen to the experiences of others with the same problem and decide for myself what to do. This allows members to decide how to best handle their own problems.

The idea of like-minded people brings comfort, yet the groups are not associated with any single theory, book or expert. This is one of the reasons why only Al Anon conference approved literature is allowed at meetings. We don’t want to look like we are endorsing the latest self-help guru. I realize that conference approved literature has its own issues. I think it often presents a sanitized way to work the Al Anon program while in real life things are often messier and hard to define. Yet, the authors are careful not to endorse anything and to keep the Al Anon principals at the forefront.

This tradition also reminds members of other 12 step programs that Al Anon is a different program with different approaches. In my home group, we voted to have a statement read during the beginning of the meeting that says, while AA members are welcome we must all take care to stick to talking only about the Al Anon principals and program. This is not because we do not respect the experiences of AA members, but because when they enter that door they are here for Al Anon.  There is an AA meeting downstairs from us and often those members would come in to our meeting and talk only about their own alcoholism. While the two programs sound similar there are often drastic differences in the way they each approach the steps or other tools of the program. We don’t want new members with no experience in either Al Anon or AA to get scared away because they think they must follow the stricter approaches of the AA groups in our area.

Al Anon’s Tradition 1

Al Anon’s Tradition 1: Our common welfare should come first. Personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity.

I’ve been around Al Anon enough to see this tradition working (or not working) in the groups and how we should keep the traditions in mind. But, one night it really rang true to me because I could see how it could work in my life outside the program.

(Photo by artM of Stock.xchng.)

A couple of years ago I was having trouble with my boyfriend and it seemed that we were on the verge of breaking up. I went to an Al Anon meeting on Tradition 1. People at the meeting talked about their families and how they used this tradition to keep the peace in their households. They talked about agreeing to disagree and being equal to those around you. I also learned to listen with love even when I didn’t agree with the person. I realized that, as a couple, our common welfare should come first and that we should put that first, above petty personal issues.

Now when I think that I have a bone to pick, this tradition stops me in my tracks. Arguing, criticizing or other destructive behavior will not help keep us together. We can still be individuals, but if I am behaving in a way that will separate us, I am not thinking of “our common welfare”.

Al Anon's Step 1

Al Anon’s Step 1: We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

When I first came to I was a bit offended by Al Anon’s first step. After all, I did not drink myself. What really helped me was when I heard that some members think of it as being powerless over other people. Since then, I’ve learned a lot more about the subtleties in Step 1.

I’ve learned that I can also think of this step as being powerless over how alcohol affects others. In our meetings we talk about the “3 Cs”—we didn’t cause the alcoholism, can’t cure it and can’t control it. But we can contribute to it. I realized that I was trying to control another person’s alcoholism by putting their needs first or jumping in to make it all better.

(Photo by Andrey Gorshkov.)

Step one is a good step for me to be on these days as my boyfriend has tremendous family problems and seems to be on a slippery slope. This is the hard part—I have to “love him through it” (as they say in the rooms) and “provide support and encouragement to the alcoholic” (as they say in the Al Anon preamble). Though, it is hard to be supportive and encouraging when he’s skipped all of his AA meetings for the past few weeks for what seems like a weak excuse.I can't comment on any of this -- I have to just trust that he will right himself and find his own way.

One important thing I realized in my time at was that I learned to accept that the alcoholic (and everybody else) has their own Higher Power. I should have no need to keep track of all the little things that other people are doing. Snooping was one way that I realized I was trying to control people. One of the first things I did when I first came to the program was to stop checking who called my boyfriends phone or asking him all the details of his phone call when he takes a call in my presence. I learned that obsessive thinking is a sign that I should think harder about working Step 1. Internal chaos is a sign that life is unmanageable. Reassurance should come from my relationship with my Higher Power rather from other people.

 Step one also helps me with arguments. In my early days in Al Anon I sat in a meeting talking about a fight I had with my boyfriend and how I felt like I was going in circles with him. After the meeting the guy next to me turned to me and said, “There’s no reasoning with an alcoholic.” At the time I thought that was extreme but at the same time very true. When we talk about being “restored to sanity” (as in Step) we can understand that an alcoholic is manipulating us and creating diversions to avoid the real issue. However, keeping my lessons in mind, I try not to react. I don’t want my serenity (or sanity) disrupted, so the best thing to do is to not react to crazy behavior or attempts to engage me in arguments. I try to accept being powerless over his behavior and try to understand that his behavior is a reflection on him and not me.

In the past I also wrote a little about detachment and Step one in my entry “Letting Go of the Rope”

Al Anon's Step 12

I’ve been very busy lately but I knew that if I skip writing about the step of the month I’d regret it later. So, here are some quick thoughts.

(Photo by Ann- Kathrin Rehse.)

Al Anon’s Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

In so many meetings I've been to, I often hear people say "I wanted what she had" because they have a moment of clarity when they see the program working in someone else and they don't want to live their old life anymore. I have certainly had those moments, but I knew I was working step 12 during the first time I was a speaker at an Al Anon group. I told my story (which I thought was unremarkable in the face of what others went through) and shared some thoughts on how Al Anon helped me to overcome this.

After the meeting, a crying woman came up to me in the ladies room and wanted my phone number because she thought I was the most amazing speaker she had ever heard. It was a little scary, really, especially since I only told my story and didn’t say or do anything spectacular. I knew that it was the first time anyone wanted what I had, in an Al Anon sense. One way I work step 12, then, is to just live my life according to the program and talk about it whenever appropriate.  Living my life well is the best way to spread the message.

I’ve heard that a spiritual awakening is a dramatic shift in your perspective. The strongest message is the change in you. This step comes at the end, because we need to get ourselves in order before we have what we need to pass to others.

Al Anon's Tradition 12

Al-Anon’s Tradition 12:  Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

(Photo by Billy Alexander.)

I don’t have many notes on Tradition 12 but I made a few observations based on readings from Al Anon literature.

Tradition 12 ensures that one member is not held above another. At an Al-Anon meeting I once encountered a famous person who stared on a television show. My hometown also happens to be theirs. This person needed the same help that the rest of us do, and they were able to walk in the room without being swamped for autographs or gossiped about. This tradition also protects us, the “little guy” as the less famous (or less experienced) can get an equal chance at help.


Recently, at a meeting I realized that protecting someone else’s anonymity is best done when we focus on ourselves and not on others. I think this is one of the reasons why gossip is so frowned upon in Al Anon—it helps people to stay in their downward spiral without addressing their own problems and character defects.

Do we really need anonymity?

Recently I wrote about Al Anon's Tradition 11 and I pondered the idea of guarding the anonymity of AA members, as stated in that tradition. The New York Daily News article "Has AA's anonymity outlives its usefulness?" caught my eye when someone I know posted it on Facebook. It bothers me a bit because I think that some people don’t “get” the idea of anonymity. It is one thing for someone to say that they don’t need to be anonymous, but when people come into twelve step programs they deserve the safety of anonymity.

(Photo by Saivann of Stock.xchng.)

The author of this anonymity article argues that if alcoholics stay anonymous it keeps the disease in the shadows. It argues that people still become personalities though known by AA nicknames. (In our Al Anon group, for example, we have Big Bill, Little Joan, ect. because we do not know their last names, but when you say that most people in our area know who they are.) Still,  the very basic point of 12 step traditions is that some people just do not want to make it known that they or anyone they know has an alcohol problem. Those of us in these programs need to protect these people above all because many newcomers feel intimidated about revealing their problem  and we do not want to scare them away. The idea of anonymity should still be personally left to the participant in the program and no one should ever feel pressure to reveal this kind of information outside of the rooms.

The article quotes a doctor who commends Betty Ford for coming out about her addiction but then says he has never been in recovery for addiction problems. They also make a point about Betty Ford never drank again. OK, so she wants to show her success—more power to her. But, another reason I believe that people need to be protected is if in case they “slip” they can recover themselves without the whole world asking them all about what happened.

Someone in the comments for the anonymity article mentioned "humility" and so I think that this article ignores the traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous (and other 12 step programs), which states that.the common welfare of the group should come first and that members must place principals above personalities Members of groups like AA and Al Anon want to work on their own disease, not promote a particular person. In the comments section for the anonymity article, Melvino states that AA members can tell people who they are if they want, but it is in the media that they must be careful to maintain anonymity with. True, but again, that is an individual choice.