The Al Anon Promises Part 3: Reality and Truth

Well,  I got sidetracked on writing about the Al Anon promises but then when I was looking for something to write I came across a posting of them on an Al Anon forum. I believe that number 3 is next for me, which is....

3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.

I link this promise a lot with the idea of being "restored to sanity". These days I have a moment every so often where I think, "This is crazy and unrealistic. Yet, the people around me all think this is normal." 

I used to get caught up in all kinds of crazy things, mostly because I felt like I had to get along and make things work. I didn't understand that I was confused, or that I did not see reality.

There is one story I sometimes tell at Al Anon meetings because I showed that I was too wrapped up

(Photo by Lena Pautina.)

in alcoholic dysfunction to see what was rational. When I was young I got a job teaching kids in a special summer program. The site that was to host my group's branch of the program pulled out a couple of days before the kids were to arrive and we were left stranded. On that day I sat with my fellow instructors and our supervisor in a local McDonalds as she made lots of phone calls trying to get us another space.

Well, there came a call from a local rec center so we all piled into cars and headed over. Once we were there, the man who ran the place said we could have an upstairs room but the kids in his program would have the rest of the space, including the gym and cafeteria. This room was about the size of a large living room and we had 120 kids with about 5 or 6 instructors. This was in no way a realistic solution...but I did not see that.

I immediately jumped in and tried to get everyone else to see how great this could work. I tried to get them to see that we could group the kids in a certain way and send each instructor into one of the corners or part of the middle. I really thought that this could actually work if we only tried. Though I did not realize it I was thinking that the first option was the only option and we had to make it work no matter what. I grew up in an alcoholic home where I didn't have many choices and I usually just had to work with what I was given. I kept trying to make this situation work, like jamming a square peg into a round hole.

Well, no, my coworkers were saner than I and rebelled. Luckily, another site came through for us and it was so big that all of us instructors even had our own classrooms. (Our Higher Power worked it out for us, despite my meddling.)

So, now it is like a "light bulb moment" when I realize that something is not rational. I know that I have choices and I can take time to decide for myself what is a rational and workable solution. That can often mean not taking the first solution that comes along.  I can respond rather than to react.

You can read all of the Al Anon Promises on p. 269 of From Survival to Recovery or on this web page for a California Al Anon group.

The Al Anon Promises Part 2 : Perfection

Al-Anon Promise #2: Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both worthy of love and loving.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

I was always one of those people striving for perfection, so learning to not be afraid of my own imperfections has been a big one for me. One way this used to come out was through house cleaning. I used to spend my day off cleaning the baseboards or making the perfect dish. None of these things really needed to be done, but I could not understand that at the time. Yet, I was very frustrated at how my life was always taken up by never ending housework, and I was always exhausted. I was afraid that if I were not perfect, someone would find fault with everything that I had done and be angry at me. This was a consequence of growing up with alcoholism, and a demanding alcoholic mother.

However, perfection was not the way to bring out my best self, but letting go of perfection was. When this promise mentions "continued spiritual progress" I take it to mean "Let go and Let God". In fact, many of the slogans help me let go of perfection, including "Keep it simple." and "How important is it?" This gave me a way to check myself, so that instead of starching and ironing the living room curtains I could be bike riding or reading or going to an Al Anon meeting. Through easing up and cultivating a relationship with my Higher Power instead, I can truly sort out what is important in life. And yes, I found that people still love me, even if I have dirty baseboards or limp curtains. In Al Anon I learned the value of loving people for who they are and I know that there are people who also love me unconditionally.

You can read all of the Al Anon Promises on p. 269 of From Survival to Recovery or on this web page for a California Al Anon group.

The Al-Anon Promises: Part 1 – Joy, Fulfillment and Wonder

Over the next few months, I’m going to write a series of blog entries about the Al-Anon promises, addressing them one at a time and thinking about how they apply to my life. The first promise states…

“If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.”

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

From my viewpoint, this particular statement starts out the list of Al Anon Promises with a bit of a fantastical note. (For a full list of the promises see page 269 of From Survival to Recovery for all of the Promises.) I mean, "joy, fulfillment and wonder" sounds like a Disney movie. But, I guess I can say I've found these things through Al-Anon's 12 Steps. I more tend to think that I've found serenity, spirituality, and self confidence through them. But, I will think about this.

"...willingly surrender...to the spiritual discipline..." Well, I think "surrender" is an interesting choice of words, because I think of actively working the steps, but then I work to surrender. 

"...our lives will be transformed." Yes, but it has be slow, over the course of years. Al Anon emphasizes slow progress and we work on ourselves all of our lives. It takes awhile to transform, but it does happen. I've transformed by becoming "mature and responsible", by making careful decisions and not giving in to old, destructive patterns of behavior.

Joy- I've found joy mainly through discovering a Higher Power, as in Steps 2, 3, 5 and 11. The joy comes from looking at the beauty of the world in the face of my problems. I don't exactly ignore my problems, but I do find ways to solve them more constructively and make sure they don't take over my whole life.

Fulfillment- I can say I'm happier and because I've learned to look at things differently, I can take care of myself and feel fulfilled even when things are difficult. Yes, I may not have exactly the solution to the problem right now, but I can find fulfillment in other relationships, interests, work or spirituality. When things are bad, there are always other things to look to balance out the difficulties. 

Wonder- I do find wonder in the weirdest places. I've always loved nature, but my wonder in Al Anon has turned to people. Since we are supposed to keep our hobbies, opinions and professions out of the meetings, I love so many people for who they are as people. This is a great source of wonderment for me, as I've never been a people person before I came to Al Anon.

I can say there have been some drastic positive changes in my life since I came to Al-Anon. Even if I do not like the way this promise is worded it is true to some extent.

Fall Workshop Topic #2: The Al-Anon Promises

When I was at the Fall workshop for my district this year I couldn’t decide which topic to go to for the second session. (It seems that with these Fall Workshop topics I want to go to everything or to nothing.) I decided to go to something labeled “The Al-Anon Promises” because it seemed like something new. Actually in the three years I’ve been in Al-Anon I’ve never been to a meeting about the Promises. I’m sure I read about them and then forgot them, as they are listed on page 269 of Paths to Recovery, but in paragraph form. (A web site for California Al Anon members lists them on this page. ) I decided that for this blog I would take one promise at a time and write about them as time goes by. At the very least, it would give me topics when I can’t think of anything. But, for right now here are some general thoughts from the workshop session.

(Illustration by Amy Burton.)

The promises are actually ways that many people have cultivated better lives as a result of working the program. They are directly related to working Al Anon’s 12 steps. As the first promise states, “If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.” Someone brought up the idea that some people question whether or not these are actually promises. Nobody wanted to get into that argument, but in the Serenity workshop I attended later in the day someone brought up some concerns about the word "promise". They said that they personally thought of things like the Al Anon promises as "gifts. From their experience, they learned to think of "promises" as a way for someone to manipulate them. Fair enough.

I have also heard that these Promises are a bit controversial because some people never achieve all of them. Well, they are what they are. I don't think they are intended as a guide, like the 12 steps, but a way to provide hope for people as they struggle with the program. A little incentive, if you will. I can look at the list and see encouragement for what I need right now. For example, "Courage and fellowship will replace fear." "Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame." and "We will laugh more." are all things that I need right now, which give me encouragement for the future. If I had to remove the sticky title of "Al Anon Promises" I'd call this list "Hope for the Future" instead.