Fall Workshop Topic #3: Accepting Serenity

I used to be one of those people who could never relax especially when times were pleasant. I’ve worked hard on this while I’ve been in Al-Anon, but it is still a struggle. So, I went to the Accepting Serenity session at our district’s 2012 Fall workshop. Here are some of the things I was thinking about that day.

(Photo by Calvin Dexter.)

Part of serenity is being self aware but realizing that things are not all about me. I can make better choices instead of jumping to respond to a crisis, or what I think is a crisis. I have to learn how to relax and not spend all my time “waiting for the other shoe to drop”. People say “The longest 18 inches is from your head to your heart” and so that is a reminder to think more rationally. I have to think, “What way do I actually want to spend my time?” Chances are, it is not worrying, fretting and obsessing.

As for our dealing s with others, we have to accept that people are on the path that their Higher Power set for them. If I feel that a person is toxic I do not have to be around them in an intimate way, I can detach. I can still not like what someone is doing but still not have it effect me. 

Serenity is not the absence of problems. Being present and in the moment leads to serenity.

Fall Workshop Topic #2: The Al-Anon Promises

When I was at the Fall workshop for my district this year I couldn’t decide which topic to go to for the second session. (It seems that with these Fall Workshop topics I want to go to everything or to nothing.) I decided to go to something labeled “The Al-Anon Promises” because it seemed like something new. Actually in the three years I’ve been in Al-Anon I’ve never been to a meeting about the Promises. I’m sure I read about them and then forgot them, as they are listed on page 269 of Paths to Recovery, but in paragraph form. (A web site for California Al Anon members lists them on this page. ) I decided that for this blog I would take one promise at a time and write about them as time goes by. At the very least, it would give me topics when I can’t think of anything. But, for right now here are some general thoughts from the workshop session.

(Illustration by Amy Burton.)

The promises are actually ways that many people have cultivated better lives as a result of working the program. They are directly related to working Al Anon’s 12 steps. As the first promise states, “If we willingly surrender ourselves to the spiritual discipline of the Twelve Steps, our lives will be transformed. We will become mature, responsible individuals with a great capacity for joy, fulfillment, and wonder.” Someone brought up the idea that some people question whether or not these are actually promises. Nobody wanted to get into that argument, but in the Serenity workshop I attended later in the day someone brought up some concerns about the word "promise". They said that they personally thought of things like the Al Anon promises as "gifts. From their experience, they learned to think of "promises" as a way for someone to manipulate them. Fair enough.

I have also heard that these Promises are a bit controversial because some people never achieve all of them. Well, they are what they are. I don't think they are intended as a guide, like the 12 steps, but a way to provide hope for people as they struggle with the program. A little incentive, if you will. I can look at the list and see encouragement for what I need right now. For example, "Courage and fellowship will replace fear." "Our secrets will no longer bind us in shame." and "We will laugh more." are all things that I need right now, which give me encouragement for the future. If I had to remove the sticky title of "Al Anon Promises" I'd call this list "Hope for the Future" instead. 

Fall Workshop Topic #1: Fear

Now that I've had a couple of weeks to think about it, I'm going to write about the topics I explored during our district's 2012 Fall Workshop. One of the reasons that I put this off is that I don’t want to write about fear. Fear is a big issue for me and many of my character defects are rooted in it. Of course, I didn’t want to go to this session of the workshop, but it is a big issue I am working on right now and so I went. Here are a few things that I learned.

(Photo by Joana Croft.)

The first speaker said that fear of abandonment leads to control, but I realized that fear in general leads to control. I could see that in myself easily. The first speaker also read the July 6th page from Hope For Today. This reading discusses putting fear into perspective and having faith in a Higher Power. I need to work the steps first and foremost to keep myself in line when it comes to fear. I also need to relinquish control and trust that I will have confidence in myself to handle situations as they arise. I also have the power to remove myself from any unhealthy situation.

A second speaker discussed being afraid of the alcoholic. They clarified that we may be afraid of the disease of alcoholism, and not the person themselves. This certainly rings true with me. My boyfriend is very gentle and kind. He raised 3 kids, takes care of his elderly mom and loves animals. For me, he is the right combination of gentleness and masculinity. But, at times I was afraid of his for no reason. I later realized that I was anticipating a reaction typical of alcoholics and I would expect this from him before anything. I have since learned to see him as a person and not as a disease.

Intimacy

(Illustration by Rafael Marchesini.)

In the third session of the Fall 2010 workshop I went to a session on intimacy. This, I knew, was a hard topic for me because I've never allowed many people to get close to me. Even now, I have few friends, though Al Anon allows me to be more social that I used to be. In fact, I go to so many Al Anon events because they are “safe”. I know many of the people and I know there will be no drinking. However, socializing outside of Al Anon continues to be a struggle. Because I came from the "crazy" alcoholic family I never wanted people to know my secrets and I was ashamed of just everything about myself. I had no idea of how to have a "normal" friendship. So, here are some of my notes from the past fall workshop session on intimacy.

Intimacy starts with letting others love you. Not being yourself around people prevents intimacy. And, depending on yourself to solve everything  all of the time prevents engaging with other people. The difficult part of intimacy comes when you have to tell people things you don't want to tell them or that  you willl know they won't like. When people talk about intimate things you love them more.

I just realized that Al Anon and the 12 steps are all about fostering intimacy. Telling another human being about your shortcomings and they will listen without judgment. Learning to accept yourself after seeing that other people accept you for what you are.

Loosening Up on Finances

This is another reflection on my Al Anon's district workshop for the Fall of 2010. That day I picked a session on Finances to go to. I thought I never had trouble with fiances because I am a penny pincher. Yet, somethign about that workshop appealed to me. I thought I would be the only one there who wasn't a crazy compulsive spender, but I've found that being afraid to spend money is also a problem worthy of attention.

I have always been reluctant to spend money. I pay my bills on time, and shop at thrift stores and in discount places. I clip coupons and stock up on groceries when they are on sale. Saving money for me is a sport. So, I thought that since I didn't have any problems with this I was good with my money. It wasn't until I came to Al Anon that I realized my penny pinching wasn't fair to myself and that I should learn to loosen up and use my money a little better.

(Photo by Svilen Milev.)

I grew up in an alcoholic home where there was never any money. The bills were not paid and we sometimes did not have any food. Since my mom was not capable of doing the grocery shopping I was the one to go to the supermarket. I was often caught between my parents as I struggled to pick out the groceries my mother wanted and still buy them with the funds my father gave me.

As I sat in that workshop that day I learned that I was seeing money in a highly personal way. I was afraid to let go of my money because of what I went though as a kid. One of the first things I did after coming to Al Anon was to eat up all of the stockpiled food I had in my cupboards, refrigerator and freezer. I realized that I am an adult and I can take care of myself. I also should trust in my Higher Power for help.

During the workshop that day I learned that detachment can help with money issues. Other people, like an accountant, can help with skills that don't have. Yes, so even though I am bad at math and have no idea of what to do with investments (and I have no interest in obtaining these skills) I still can hire a professional to help me.

After that workshop I spent some time looking at my money and figuring out how to be more efficient with it. I put together a budget on mint.com  and for the first time in my life I set aside money for self care, such as gym membership and new clothes. I took a good look at what I needed. As a penny pincher I didn't need to cut back, but rather I needed to loosen up and treat myself better by spending my hard earned money on myself.

Working the Al-Anon Program

I know I said I was going to write about the topics from this year's Fall Workshop, but it got me thinking about years past and I thought I'd write about some of those topics first. Besides, I want more time to think about recent issues before I write about them. 

(Photo by Svilen Milev.)

In October of 2010 I attended a Fall Workshop in my area. The first session I went to on that day had the topic of "Working the Program". Now, if someone talked to me about working the program today I would say that I attend regular meetings (especially when I don't want to go) and think about the 12 Steps on a regular basis. I also regularly read Al Anon literature, share my thoughts in this blog and try harder to connect with other Al Anon members (my weak spot).  At the time of the Fall 2010 workshop I had been in the program just under a year and was stressing about finding an Al-Anon sponsor. I went to this session in hopes of gaining some insight about that. Instead I have some more general notes about working the program.

There were two speakers for that session and the first woman talked about looking at our own behavior before looking at others. She mentioned the value of being silent--something I've worked on a lot over the years. There is the Al Anon slogan W.A.I.T.-, as in, "Why am I talking?" I don't always add something by going on, and as someone said in a recent meeting, "Mention it once and I am giving my opinion. Mentioning it more that that is nagging." Also, I don't always have to bite into what someone says and respond right away. I can take my time to think about it, or not respond at all.

Being silent plays into detaching from criticism, which is another note I have from that workshop. I am very sensitive to criticism because of the alcoholics I grew up with. I have to remember that criticism is just one person's opinion and it is not necessarily right or wrong. If I feel that other people are sucking the life out of me I can stop and figure out what I am doing to allow this.

The second speaker in that meeting touched on the more spiritual side of working the program. He mentioned daily quiet time and working to stay in the present. He also talked about the value of forgiveness and gratitude for peace of mind. We can help ourselves by being flexible and balanced.

As far as sponsorship, I learned that asking someone to be your sponsor is often the first step towards asking for help. Several other newer members were at that meeting, and it seemed that many of us were worried about finding sponsors above everything else. I didn't get any instant or easy solutions, but, as the speaker said, "Al-Anon is a self help group but it isn't DIY." (Do it yourself.) We have to get used to the fellowship and asking others for help, which is what we do when we ask someone to sponsor us. When and how we do that is our choice and we just have to do it in our own time, no matter how long it takes. 

The Fall Workshop

Every year a district in our area has a fall workshop. This is one of my favorite Al-Anon events in our area. There are 3 sessions during the workshop, with a break for lunch. There are 4 topics to choose from during each time slot and they are like little meetings on a theme, with 2 speakers first for each topic. I always get a lot out of this workshop and I plan to make some entries on each of the topics I attended meetings on.

(Photo by spekulator.)

The big thing was that this year Boyfriend's Daughter came. She only went to that one meeting where I spoke but I knew that the workshop would be a good chance to invite her again. I was glad she came and Boyfriend got over his grumpiness with her enough to give her a ride. I was worried that she would be overwhelmed but she took to it right away because the first session offered a discussion on a topic that she talked about really struggling with recently, so she went off to that on her own. She did bail out during the last session but instead talked one-on-one to an experienced member for the whole time, so that was good too.

I was happy to show her around and introduce her to everybody. Another reason I wanted to invite her was that I wanted her to meet all of the good people and at these events there are so many gathered in the same place.