Al Anon's Step 4

Al Anon’s step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Ugh, step 4

When I go to step meetings I always breathe a sigh of relief when we get over the hump and pass these middle steps, sometimes called the "action steps" because we have to get out in the world and do something other than just think about it. I wrote about some of the emotions involved when I did step four in the entry "The Hardest Steps"and now I want to talk about how I approached it. From my very first days in Al Anon I worried about this step because I felt I would be confronted all at once with every horrible failing that I had. In my first year I was also scared by the intensity with which others approached this step. In meetings, a lot is made of the Al Anon workbook Blueprint for Progress: 4^th Step Inventory but this is only a tool to get us thinking. We can only decide for ourselves how to approach this step, and when we are ready.

(Photo by Laura Nubuck.)

Here are the things that worked for me when I did Al Anon's Step 4:

1.) I realized that only I could decide when I was ready to start this step. It just snuck up on me one day and, after months of agonizing,  beginning the step just suddenly felt right.

2.) Once I was ready, I had to just start, even if it is only in one small way. What I did was to take a question each day from Blueprint for Progress, write it down, and keep it in my pocket so I could think about it during the day. Later, especially after I got a sponsor, this all speeded up. But, it allowed me to get going easily. 

3.) As much as I love the AA members in my life, I realized that I should not let them tell me how to do my 4th step. In my area, Al Anon approaches this step differently and I learned not to feel guilty if I wasn't doing it the "original" way. This leads me to...

4.) Every single 12 stepper has a different definition of "fearless" but that doesn't mean that it has to be mine, or that I'm are doing it wrong if I don't follow what others do. Meetings and online forums can be full of very opinionated members who think that anything less than their method is not fearless. As I've moved on in the program, I've learned that the idea of fearlessness changes as I grow. As I get stronger I can dig into something new I never realized about myself before. That led me to this next realization.

5.) The first time I did the fourth step would not have to be the only time and a Step 4 inventory doesn't have to be perfect. This comforted me greatly as it took me about 6 months to complete this step. I thought about it all the time and didn't think I was "fearless" enough if it wasn't constantly on my mind. I went in circles with it and frustrated myself until I realized that I should just stop because there would be other opportunities to do this step again as I grew. 

6.) I learned to stop. This was perhaps the most important realization I had. I saw at one point that I was just stuck on the same things and I should just end it and call my sponsor and set a time to do Step 5. Some members make a big deal about how long they worked on this step, but at some point "searching" becomes frustrating and I learned that it is OK to move on.

 So, those are some of my experiences. For more of my experiences see the Step 4 tag.

The Al Anon Promises Part 2 : Perfection

Al-Anon Promise #2: Though we may never be perfect, continued spiritual progress will reveal to us our enormous potential. We will discover that we are both worthy of love and loving.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

I was always one of those people striving for perfection, so learning to not be afraid of my own imperfections has been a big one for me. One way this used to come out was through house cleaning. I used to spend my day off cleaning the baseboards or making the perfect dish. None of these things really needed to be done, but I could not understand that at the time. Yet, I was very frustrated at how my life was always taken up by never ending housework, and I was always exhausted. I was afraid that if I were not perfect, someone would find fault with everything that I had done and be angry at me. This was a consequence of growing up with alcoholism, and a demanding alcoholic mother.

However, perfection was not the way to bring out my best self, but letting go of perfection was. When this promise mentions "continued spiritual progress" I take it to mean "Let go and Let God". In fact, many of the slogans help me let go of perfection, including "Keep it simple." and "How important is it?" This gave me a way to check myself, so that instead of starching and ironing the living room curtains I could be bike riding or reading or going to an Al Anon meeting. Through easing up and cultivating a relationship with my Higher Power instead, I can truly sort out what is important in life. And yes, I found that people still love me, even if I have dirty baseboards or limp curtains. In Al Anon I learned the value of loving people for who they are and I know that there are people who also love me unconditionally.

You can read all of the Al Anon Promises on p. 269 of From Survival to Recovery or on this web page for a California Al Anon group.

Monday, Monday, Oh How I Hate That Day

I didn't used to have a bad attitude about Monday, but I do these days. Lately starting a new work week seems like such a drag. Earlier in September I had worries on the home front but now I am feeling weighted down by things at work and I'm wondering how to break out of it.

A couple of years ago I realized that I had a horrible attitude towards my job (the one I still have now). It is not a bad job and rather good for me, but I just didn't see it. I remember another Al Anon member saying in a meeting that she had been at her job forever and she felt that it was the only job she could do and that she would never be able to get a different job. I felt that way too, and sometimes, to some extent, I still feel that way.

(Photo by Mario Alberto Magallanes Trejo.)

What helped me then was to do a mini 4th Step related only towards my job. That helped me figure out that I had issues with my boss. I have since settled those old problems and now that part of my work life is quite comfortable. Also then, I realized that I loved my students and that they were the best part of my job. That has always been the most consistent part of things at my job and one of the main reasons why I stayed in it. Surprisingly, that has changed and I can't figure out why.

I thought that maybe I should do another mini 4th step but my brain is so muddled that I can't think of where to begin with it. Even though I usually save all of my Al Anon writing I, for some reason, didn't save that. I did decide that I should, instead, think about each student I have today and think about something that I "got" from them. Like a 4th step inventory, I realized that this includes both positive and negative.

Student 1: an interesting discussion about Chinese traditional painting and a contemporary artist.
Student 2: exercising patience
Student 3: Exercising Patience and suppressing frustration. 
Student 4: Suppressing Frustration but enjoying watching her work hard at puzzling things out
Student 5: entertaining conversation with a student I really get along with about the use of various English words

Student 6: exercising patience but still enjoying her pleasant personality.

On top of this I was alone in the office with the boss because we have a small office, there is no workstudy during the day, and the administrative person was out. Even though I was fully booked with students I had to juggle several things while my boss sat on his office and watched sports on the internet. (You can tell what kind of husband he would be.) So far this semester, my pleas to have a workstudy during the day have gone over his head.

So, um, I clearly need to work on patience and resolving my frustration, but there is still plenty to love about my students.