The Hardest Steps

This morning I was going through some of my old notebooks to prepare another entry I got to thinking. In my first year or so in Al-Anon Steps 4 and 9 were the most intimidating to me. I went to many meetings on these topics. If a meeting was on one of those steps I was there, with my notebook in hand and my ears wide open.  I knew (or so I thought) that these would be the hardest steps as they would force me to confront my greatest failings and own up to them. It was a long road to these steps, but in the end it ended up quite differently than I imagined.

(Photo by Dani Simmonds.)

I remember making a list of flaws for Step 4 during my first few weeks in Al Anon. I kept it in the back of my meeting notebook and when I heard something at a meeting that sounded like me, I added it to the list. Being an over-achiever, I wanted to get the “hardest” thing out of the way first. For Step 9 my feelings were the opposite. The only thing looming over me with that was the terrifying idea of making amends with my alcoholic mother. She had abused me both physically and emotionally when I was growing up and so I thought our bad relationship was entirely all my fault.(I'll write more about that in an upcoming entry on Step 9.)

The steps are in order for a reason, as many like to say. I do think that elements of the steps show up in each other, though. For example, going to meetings on Step 11 helped me work Steps 2 and 3. I learned that Steps 4 and 9 are linked because they helped me see my true characteristics and my part in my own relationships with others.

Step 4 did take me the better part of a year when I first did it, but I learned a lot and could use it to defend myself in my relationships. If I felt my boyfriend was being manipulative, I could go over what I knew about myself and not bite into what he was saying or doing. As in his relationship with his daughter, he spends a lot of time trying to make me over into what he wants. I learned to realize that what he thinks needs improvement are not necessarily the real issues, and I can defend myself better when he is critical.

Similarly, with Step 9 I realized that I did not need to bite into manipulation because I felt guilty. I do what I can do within the boundaries of that relationship. And, my sponsor taught me that making amends has more to do with changing my behavior rather than anything else. With my boyfriend, I just try to change the way I deal with him and not only does it give me peace of mind, but it helps me not to get into the downward spiral of resentments, arguments and dramatic late night phone calls.

I can’t really say any step is the “hardest” because they each have their own qualities and working them is up to the individual. However, I did learn that they all feed into each other and keeping up with them helps me live a much better life.