The Dad Hammer

I went to a great Al-Anon meeting earlier today. Our topic was resentment and suffering, which I am still thinking about so I will post about it later. I'm tired of telling the codeine story, but I did talk a little about the separation, the emotional aftermath and the reconciliation.

After the meeting I was talking with a good Al Anon friend and another woman came up to me and asked "Just how long have you been with this guy?" She seemed to think he needed an ass kicking. I was surprised to hear this from another member, as one of the first things I learned in the program is not to be judgmental about other people's relationships. After all, I'm sure she would not have liked it if I had the same attitude towards her story of her alcoholic child.

(Photo by Shaun W. of stock.xhcng.)

While I was thinking of how to "say what you mean but don't say it mean" my friend tactfully jumped in and explained that we loved our alcoholics and that is why we were there. I then told the woman that one of the things I've learned in Al Anon is to give the gentle ass kicking, such as when I told my boyfriend I was unhappy with his behavior and didn't want to see him for a few days.

Funny the idea of forcing it should come up today. Lately I've started gently teasing my boyfriend about using what I call "the Dad hammer". He likes to spend a lot of time forcefully impressing upon his children that they need to do certain things to improve their lives. He used to do that a lot to me, too (and still does to some point) but after going to Al Anon I've learned to gently resist him. In his mind he genuinely thinks he is helping someone by telling them what he thinks they need to know (which is why I'm glad he also comes to Al Anon).

I think because of Daughter coming to a meeting I suddenly see how controlling Boyfriend is of her and how much he tries to direct her life. Last night he told me she expressed interest in attending another Al Anon meeting. He said he responded by lecturing her about how she needed to be in the program, to change her life, to get out of the rut she is in, and other things. My first thought was, "Oh, that killed it. She will never come again."

Instead of getting mad I gently requested that he not make Al Anon part of the "Dad hammer". It should be Daughter's choice if she comes or not and her business what she does there. He seemed a bit embarrassed at himself but he seemed to take the hint.