Step 12 and a friend

 The other day at work a friend returned from a family vacation in obvious distress. A member of her family had spent the entire vacation drinking excessively and now my friend was worried that the person is an alcoholic.  Of course, I feel very strongly about that issue, but I was glad that I didn't say anything until I was asked about it because another coworker decided to ask her lots of questions about her relative's drinking. He asked her all about how many drinks the person usually has, how many drinks the person had on the day in question, and how many alcoholics were already in the family. This was all in an effort to "help" my friend decide if her relative is an alcoholic. I felt really bad for my friend because it seemed very embarrassing for her.

I knew that my friend would come to me later to talk to me alone, so that is another reason I stayed out of

(Photo by DuBoix of morgueFile.)

the discussion. I didn't want to get into a debate with the second coworker, who seemed very opinionated about the whole thing.  When we did talk I told her that we can't label a person an alcoholic until they declare themselves one. (I always do this at the request of my AA member boyfriend. I find that he is right--calling someone alcoholic when they aren't ready to see that only provokes resistance and confrontation. We need to respect the person to make that decision on their own.) She knew I was in Al Anon and asked for more information.

A couple of days later I gave her some basic pamphlets and told her that I regularly attended a certain meeting if she wanted to come one night. This is what a long time Al Anon member suggested to me--give them the information and don't think any more about it. If they go--great, but if they don't go I haven't invested any needless emotional effort into it. I also know that alcoholism can be a touchy situation for newcomers and that it can take awhile for them to screw up the courage to come to a meeting.

A couple of nights later I attended a meeting where we talked about Tradition 8 (Al Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.) I realized that this is why I didn't give her my "expert" opinion on her situation. I knew from other Al Anon members that simply carrying the message often works best. I think the best thing I can do for my friend now is to just be a good example of an Al Anon member by working my program for myself and keeping the focus on myself.

Al Anon's Step 12

I’ve been very busy lately but I knew that if I skip writing about the step of the month I’d regret it later. So, here are some quick thoughts.

(Photo by Ann- Kathrin Rehse.)

Al Anon’s Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

In so many meetings I've been to, I often hear people say "I wanted what she had" because they have a moment of clarity when they see the program working in someone else and they don't want to live their old life anymore. I have certainly had those moments, but I knew I was working step 12 during the first time I was a speaker at an Al Anon group. I told my story (which I thought was unremarkable in the face of what others went through) and shared some thoughts on how Al Anon helped me to overcome this.

After the meeting, a crying woman came up to me in the ladies room and wanted my phone number because she thought I was the most amazing speaker she had ever heard. It was a little scary, really, especially since I only told my story and didn’t say or do anything spectacular. I knew that it was the first time anyone wanted what I had, in an Al Anon sense. One way I work step 12, then, is to just live my life according to the program and talk about it whenever appropriate.  Living my life well is the best way to spread the message.

I’ve heard that a spiritual awakening is a dramatic shift in your perspective. The strongest message is the change in you. This step comes at the end, because we need to get ourselves in order before we have what we need to pass to others.

Al Anon’s Tradition 11

Al-Anon’s Tradition 11-- Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. Al-Anon Addition: We need guard with special care the anonymity of all A.A. members.

(Photo by Sem Rox.)

Tradition 11 “defines our public relations policy” according to Paths to Recovery (p.227 of the 1997 edition). The anonymity part is the key to this tradition. It places principals above personalities and makes it seem more human, as opposed to commercial.

I think of this tradition as being linked to Al Anon’s Step 12-  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. We cannot tell other people what to do, nor can we make them come to the program. Also in Paths to Recovery, there is a little story about how you can lead a chain but not push it (p.230 of the 1997 edition). We can attract people to Al Anon by living the principals to the best of our ability and allow them to see the benefits in us. Soon, they may want what we have – serenity.

At one of the new meetings I’ve been attending they read the page on the tradition of the month out of The Al Anon pamphlet The Twelve Steps and Traditions at the beginning of each meeting. I never paid much attention to the part of Tradition 11 that says, “We need guard with special care the anonymity of all A.A. members.” I just assumed that I should not identify anyone I saw in any 12 step program, ever, But, recently I was struck by a passage in the Twelve Steps pamphlet that mentions, “When alcoholics are still drinking they have no anonymity; their own conduct exposes the fact of their alcoholism.” P.22 When I first heard that read I thought “Wait – that is a little bit harsh.”  Here I am thinking that tradition applies to every alcoholic.

I see the passage in Twelve Steps as a form of detachment. When the alcoholic is drinking, we often try to cover for them. But, we must allow them to face the consequences of their own actions. If the alcoholics are working to stay sober and clean up their past we have no business holding them responsible for it and we need not mention their A.A. membership. Really, there is no reason to mention another person’s alcoholism at any point – drunk or sober. Their behavior is what it is and we can’t change that. But we can allow them to be who they are at that point and to experience the good and bad of their decisions.  

Al-Anon's Tradition 8

Al-Anon’s Tradition 8: Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

(Photo by Dimitris Kritsotakis.)

The traditions aren’t big in my area, so I’ve only been to one meeting that discussed Tradition 8. To me this tradition directly relates to Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principals in all our affairs. We can each use our gifts as volunteers to spread the word about the program.

Another way this tradition helps is to not give newcomers the impression that they are being “sold” a particular philosophy that may chase them away. We announce at the beginnings of the meetings to keep outside religions and professions out of the discussion. This helps members (newcomers in particular) realize that their opinions are just as valid as others, “professional” or not. It makes people’s shares more human and we can better identify with one another.

Since I am not a professional in any job that this would apply to, I have to remember for myself that I am not a professional and I don’t need to give unsolicited advice about medical care, mental illness, legal matters or other things on which I am not qualified to give advice on.

Tradition 8 is another measure that keeps us equal. I know that people who have been in the program for years and years come in suffering as if it were their first day. We can’t lord it over each other because focusing on others keeps us from focusing on ourselves.

I assume that the “special workers” means people who get paid, or else there probably wouldn’t be enough volunteers to run some of the day-to-day functions of the office. No group can ask the few who are willing to work for free to take on extra work all of the time. I’m sure this would bring out the martyrs, which is a character defect that the Al Anon program often addresses and helps members to eliminate. 

Shackin' Up With Jesus

Today I went to church with my boyfriend. It is a Methodist church, but we aren't Methodists. We started going at the invitation of Boyfriend's Daughter and this proved to be a rare and non-confrontational way to spend time with her. She has since become a member. We don't go every week, about twice a month. I don't want to get into talking about my long struggle to define a Higher Power, but I've never been back to the church of my origin, and it took me a long time to be comfortable at any church service. Now, boyfriend and I alternate between this and another church, simply because we feel comfortable and happy in both places.It also provides a way to discuss our beliefs and values.

(Photo by Irina Martynuk.)

Today, the pastor asked to speak with us both after the service and she wanted to ask us to consider becoming members. (Typical of my boyfriend, he assumed that she had asked for him only and asked me to wait for him until they were done.) I know that this is probably a natural outcome of regularly attending one church, but I felt a little cornered by the discussion.

This minister is big on service to the church and often makes that a part of her sermon. I told her that I didn't live nearby and didn't have a car. I only come with Boyfriend and since I couldn't get there by myself I wouldn't be able to do what most members do. She said that didn't matter but then said that she wanted to grow her membership because it was unfair to call upon the same people to do things around the church. She wanted to press this further with me, but luckily Boyfriend's ego intruded and he wanted to tell her all about himself, directing the attention away from me.  To conclude, she said we were "shackin' up with Jesus" when we needed to make more of a commitment.

Afterwards, this reminded me a bit of my dilemma with my former Al Anon home group. It was the first Al Anon group that I went to. Boyfriend thought I should go to some meetings and volunteered to take me to the first available meeting since he was curious about it himself.  This turned to be an adult child oriented meeting far from where I live.

Even though I loved the group once, I always had to turn down service opportunities because I couldn't get there without boyfriend. Plus, I always felt like I was in his shadow, because he is the more outgoing one who is very attention seeking. People there often asked about him, but not me. If we weren't stuck together all of the time, people thought there was something wrong and we became a source for gossip. That is really against the Al Anon principals and not why I go to meetings.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't go with him to my former home group and it felt great. I went to the farmer's market and saw people I know from Al Anon in my neighborhood, so it was a little "meeting before the meeting" discussion. I found out that a Saturday morning group that used to be in the building where I work was switched to another place. (For obvious reasons, I didn't feel comfortable going to it.) An Al Anon friend reached out to me and invited me to the meeting and so I went. It was nice. I got what I needed, and I didn't miss boyfriend at all.

I don't know which group I will pick for my home group but it will be a group that Boyfriend never goes to and it will be close enough to where I live so I can do service regularly. My Al Anon service is usually related to events like luncheons or online because I hate leading groups. I used to secretary in small groups and may go back to that again. 

Sorting It All Out

I haven't posted in a bit because it has just been a strange week and I am still thinking over many things. I've been going to Al Anon meetings most days and it helps me to reconnect with people. I love these women-- they show up as if they are dressed for church or a luncheon even if they are feeling bad. I started doing that too, when I go to the meetings where I see them. It helps me to "Get up, suit up, show up" as my sponsor says, and part of "Fake it 'til you make it."

So, I worked things out with my sponsor and we kissed and made up. (I feel a little embarrassed about my previous entry on sponsor woes now, but it was something I was going through and I wanted to write about it.) Then we had a long lunch together where we talked about the mechanics of Boyfriend, his daughter and myself all attending Al Anon meetings at once.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

Boyfriend has a car and can go to any meeting he wants, Daughter and I don't and can't. He said that he would leave if she showed up at a meeting where he was. He seems to be afraid that she will complain about him in front of him and negatively point him out in front of others, as she sometimes does. 

I want to give Daughter her privacy but also be a friendly face for her. I haven't talked to her since her first meeting and so I don't know how she would feel to have me present. I don't think this would be a problem even though she lives near me because I work during the day and she doesn't. I will probably seldom see her in the rooms. I also don't want to talk to her about issues that I have with her father because I don't want to encourage any resentments.

It is hard to not think about all of this. An Al-Anon friend suggested that I invite people but then let go of the outcome. This is easier for me to say than to do because this is so personal. This is a chance to bond with Daughter, who clearly needs Al Anon. But, I know that being overbearing could scare her away. Boyfriend said that when she's called him (as she does daily) she has been better towards him. It is hard for me to not ask for any details. I don't know what she thought of the meeting or if she wants to keep coming back. I don't know if she has been to any meetings since then. In fact, I have decided that if I see her I should not talk about Al Anon unless she brings it up first so I don't sound too pushy.

Also, I mentioned before that Boyfriend and I attend an Adult Child focus Al Anon meeting together. We often see couples attend together and thought nothing of it. My sponsor suggested that we try not to do that as, technically, members of a couple are supposed to go to meetings as individuals. We both hate missing that meeting because it is the only one of its type in the area. Instead we are now just sitting in different parts of the room (it is a very large meeting). I sit with my sponsor and some women while he sits with some men. That seems to be a good solution for now.

The Newcomer

Oh, my...what a strange day.

I was the speaker at an Al-Anon meeting near where I live. I thought it would be no sweat because it is generally a small meeting (under 10 people) and I know all of them. I also invited my sponsor, since I am aware her recent crankiness is due to her being down and I wanted to reach out to her. I decided to talk about what I've learned about humility recently (which I will post about in another entry).

(Photo by Cheryl Empey.)

For the past couple of years I've been trying to gently invite my boyfriend's daughter to Al-Anon. She is a very difficult person to be around at times and after I joined Al Anon I could see myself in her. While I've been gentle in my approach to her I don't accept her bad behavior because I did the same things when I was young and I did them because I was affected by alcoholism.

Anyway, a good Al Anon person suggested that I just invite her to a meeting and let it go. I've been doing that for years but much to my surprise she walked in a few minutes after today's meeting started. I knew that once she got in the door she would be taken care of. I am grateful that my sponsor and another good Al-Anon friend reached out to her and made her feel welcome.

As for me, I was suddenly very nervous. To me, it seemed like the longest Al Anon meeting I've been to, except for my first one. Plus, since I was the speaker when people shared they thanked me for my lead and touched on my topic--I really hate being the center of attention, even if it is positive.

Boyfriend came to pick me up after the meeting. He had originally wanted to hear me speak but ended up having to do something he couldn't get out of. (Thank you Higher Power, for getting him out of my way.)

In the car afterwards Boyfriend acted like it was a major annoyance for me to have Daughter show up. (They ran into each other after the meeting.) Then, he asked me about her behavior, such as, was she fidgety or did she act out? We are talking about a 31 year old here!! I don't want to get involved in their relationship but one of the reasons I wanted to get her to Al Anon was that I am sad to see him so controlling of her and how treats her like a toddler. He also finds her very aggravating and every time we talk about spending time with her he talks about how she's going to be this messy, annoying, ill mannered blob. I didn't want to violate her privacy by talking in detail about how she was during the meeting, but I told him that she behaved like a normal person and that I hoped he would learn to trust her to behave like an adult in the future.

I am happy and grateful that Daughter was there. Even if she never comes back we got to bond a little and strengthen each other.

Out of Sorts

I had actually forgotten that I was writing in this blog. I'm surprised that it has so many entries in it. But, I got back to it after looking up some Al-Anon blogs so I could get a fresher perspective on the program. I now want to return to writing here to help me figure some things out.

My Higher Power has been working me hard this summer but now I feel like I've come to a point where I am a bit burned out and I am not sure what to do next. I am under a lot of stress and find myself fighting with my boyfriend when he needs me most, which is most horrible. I am also out of sorts with my sponsor and in the back of my mind I want to find somebody else. But, that is not a priority at this point as I haven't had a chance to talk to her about my discomfort yet. 

(Photo by code1name of stock.xchng.)

A couple of things I'll go more into later, when I gather my thoughts better:

1.) What step am I on? I've been in Al Anon long enough to have done all the steps, but then I also think that opportunities to think about or work the steps occur regularly as they help maintain my daily life. Maybe this is because the easiest meetings for me to get to are step meetings. Anyway, it seems that Step 7 has been haunting me in recent meetings, so, even though I am resistant, I should take another look at that one. At the very least, it will keep me from being adrift in the program, which I fear may be happening.

2.) Service Opportunities (Step 12)- At the end of July I will be the speaker at a small meeting that I am fond of and the topic should loosely relate to (what else?) Step 7. I'm also responsible for setting the topic/sharing for an online group that I belong to in August. One way that my thinking has changed since I was in Al-Anon is that in the past I would have sweated over this and planned it down to the last degree. Now I just mull it over in the back of my mind and let my Higher Power guide me to the final topic almost at the last minute. I still make notes, both for my own step work and also because I am a terrible public speaker who forgets everything without notes.

3.) Meditation- I also just realized that Step 11 is coming in through the back door a bit as well. Last month I signed up for Yoga Journal's 28 day Meditation Revolution and then forgot about it until the emails began arriving last week. I'm giving it the old college try but, as usual, I am resistant so it is not easy. I'll mull over this in a future entry.

4.) Art and Writing- OK, the big main thing that I forgot about with this blog is my art and writing because I had intended to use this as a place to take things in a new direction. Now I feel I'm in a quiet resting phase with that but I will explain that more later.