Keeping the focus on ourselves

I posted this in an online Al Anon group and wanted to post it here as well. More details about how I personally handled the issue I allude to will be in my entry "Step 12 and a friend".

(Photo by Harry Fodor.)

I have heard that the only way you are too late for an Al Anon meeting is when you arrive after the closing. Sure enough, one day I went to a meeting that I don't go to very often and mixed up the time. Though I only heard the last few minutes, the last speaker talked about Al Anon's Tradition 10 (The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.) She mentioned that she applied that to herself- when she felt she wanted to jump into other people's business she thought, "I have no opinions on issues outside of my own." I loved this- I now consider it my favorite way to keep the focus on myself.

One of the big issues I had when I first came to Al Anon was "advising" other people all of the time. Now that I try to stay quiet when I want to give advice, life is much easier. The other day at work a coworker mentioned a personal issue that I felt strongly about. I was glad that I didn't say anything because another coworker jumped in and began questioning her all about it. It became very embarrassing for me to hear. I know that the second coworker was only trying to help, but it just made it worse--this was exactly the kind of thing I used to do in the past. I'm glad I didn't get into the "controversy" because I now know it would only have made it worse for both me and  the person with the problem.

Al Anon's Tradition 6

Al Anon's tradition 6: Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance, or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should co-operate with Alcoholics Anonymous. 

This entry gets a bit off topic for Tradition 6, but it got me thinking of how we use the traditions to keep the focus on ourselves. The first part of this tradition always seemed rather straightforward to me, but one of the things I wondered about with this tradition is the idea of "cooperating with AA". I guessed it was about the occasional get togethers our groups had on holidays where we got both the AA and Al Anon groups together for one big party. I didn't think much beyond that, but now I realize we must respect the alcoholic and other AA members, while realizing we are still a separate entity.

(Photo by Joana Croft.)

I think the key word in this tradition is "cooperate". We can't join or mix AA and Al Anon groups because we must each remain individual groups. I was told that we do not have AA literature at our meetings because some members use it to focus on what they think the alcoholic should be reading or doing and not focusing on themselves. We need to detach, remain independent and focus on ourselves.

Al Anon has some specific guidelines for members who also belong to other 12 step programs because it would be too easy to allow "outside issues" to override Al Anon focused talk. Even at the combined Al Anon/AA  holiday parties I've noticed that the AA members tend to dominate the sharing. I can see how an Al Anon group could easily loose its identity in such a situation.  I go to a couple of different Al Anon groups where there are AA meetings are going on at the same time and in the same building. Often these members come into our group and, not knowing how else to do it, begin talking about their own alcoholism.  We voted to have a statement read in the beginning asking members of other 12 step programs to refrain from discussing those programs. 

 We also must respect the alcoholic by not getting involved with what is going on at his or her meetings and not invading his or her privacy when it comes to how they work the program in their way. Sometimes we may think they are not doing it the "right" way, but they have their own way of doing things, just like we have ours. 



 

Al Anon's Tradition 5

Al Anon's Tradition 5: Each Al Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics. 

(Photo by Philippe Ramaker.)

I would like to talk about the "welcoming and giving comfort" part of this tradition because of a story in the "Members Share" section of the Tradition 5 chapter in the 1997 edition of  Paths to Recovery.  In the story a woman called an Al Anon phone line and asked for help with someone who was abusing drugs. The  narrator felt "...rejected, alienated and devastated" when the woman she talked to insisted that Al Anon was only for alcohol. Later, the narrator tells of how, while drug abuse seemed to be the main problem, she realized that there was also a history of alcoholism in her family.  Luckily she came back to Al Anon and got help. 

One thing my sponsor always emphasizes is to always  be aware of our appearance to newcomers. We can't judge if they have alcoholism in their lives or not as newcomers are often in denial. Often I meet people who arrive for curiosity or research or because there is no Nar-Anon Family Group in this area and they were told to go to Al Anon instead. Often these people later realize that there is also alcoholism in their lives but they did not want to admit it or did not realize it. 

I found this note to myself in my copy of Paths to Recovery, next to the Al Anon phone line story: "It is not up to you to decide who belongs or if they have alcoholism in their lives. We have to respect how other people define themselves. Do not use this tradition to see who qualifies because these are spiritual traditions and not laws." 

Only the individual can decide if they belong to Al Anon. We can't judge their relatives as alcoholics or get into politics of weather or not the family member  has yet declared themselves an alcoholic. (Though it is respectful to not call someone an alcoholic until they identify themselves as one, members can come to Al Anon simply because they are worried about another person's drinking.) We can only be friendly and accepting and the newcomer will decide if the program is right for them. 

Prayer at Al Anon Meetings

I was writing an entry about Tradition 4 (Each Group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al Anon or AA as a whole.) and I got off track because I realize that the example I was using was not the best one. I'm talking about how some Al Anon groups use The Lord's Prayer as part of the meeting.

I dislike when Al Anon groups close with The Lord's Prayer. I have nothing against it and I say it in church all of the time. However, I don't want to say it at an Al Anon meeting because I think it imposes the idea of one Higher Power on all members. This goes against the Al Anon belief that we need to define our own Higher Power for ourselves. In fact, an Al Anon meeting I attend to regularly was the only one I  knew where members recited The Lord's Prayer. At that particular meeting we had a number of members who had bad experiences with Christian religions and simply did not participate as it was said. At first I recited it along

(Photo by Korry_B of stock.xchng.)

with everyone else but as I watched these members I also began to abstain from reciting the prayer in solidarity with them. As I began to learn more about defining a Higher Power, I absolutely felt that what this group was doing was a violation of Al Anon principals. I was happy when the group voted to abolish this practice, as eventually over half our the members were not saying this prayer!

So, you can imagine how I felt last fall when I went to an Al Anon workshop in a rural area where, at the end, a member sternly called out, "Who's father?" which was their cue to begin, "Our Father..." I was offended by this and I did not participate in that recitation of The Lord's Prayer. I also didn't say anything to members of that group because I was only visiting and it was in an area much different than where I lived. For people there, it was comfortable to assume that God was their Higher Power because the area was predominately white and Christian. If their members ever became offended, I knew it was their problem to work out amongst themselves and they didn't need my interference. I could just go back home to my regular groups where we didn't recite The Lord's Prayer at the end.

 I truly believe that it violates the Al Anon principals to incorporate a specific religion into the meetings. But, it is really ingrained in some 12 step meetings and I've found that some are passionate about keeping it. I am passionate, too, but how important is it that I get upset about what a group that I never go to is doing? I just abstain when it comes up but I'm proud that the group I attend chose to think more carefully about this issue.

Al Anon’s Tradition 3

Al Anon’s Tradition 3: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves  an Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a friend or relative.

(Photo by Marco Michelini.)

As I first understood this tradition, it meant not confusing yourself with too many things when you are a newcomer. Really, it is so members won't give advice that does not relate to the program. In the beginning we ask people to not discuss other philosophies or their professions or religions. This goes back to Tradition 1-- we can do anything we like as individuals, but when we are together as an Al Anon family group we must stick to our common good. It is not helpful to confuse newcomers with ideas about different or conflicting ideas about alcoholism when they just need to take care of themselves and get better.

We also need to let our Al Anon meetings be a safe place for people who are suspicious of authority, or who are confused by too many opinions, self-help theories and “experts”. For example, as I grew up I had many counselors, teachers and other authority figures telling me what was wrong with me and what I needed to do about my parent’s alcoholism. At Al Anon, I can simply listen to the experiences of others with the same problem and decide for myself what to do. This allows members to decide how to best handle their own problems.

The idea of like-minded people brings comfort, yet the groups are not associated with any single theory, book or expert. This is one of the reasons why only Al Anon conference approved literature is allowed at meetings. We don’t want to look like we are endorsing the latest self-help guru. I realize that conference approved literature has its own issues. I think it often presents a sanitized way to work the Al Anon program while in real life things are often messier and hard to define. Yet, the authors are careful not to endorse anything and to keep the Al Anon principals at the forefront.

This tradition also reminds members of other 12 step programs that Al Anon is a different program with different approaches. In my home group, we voted to have a statement read during the beginning of the meeting that says, while AA members are welcome we must all take care to stick to talking only about the Al Anon principals and program. This is not because we do not respect the experiences of AA members, but because when they enter that door they are here for Al Anon.  There is an AA meeting downstairs from us and often those members would come in to our meeting and talk only about their own alcoholism. While the two programs sound similar there are often drastic differences in the way they each approach the steps or other tools of the program. We don’t want new members with no experience in either Al Anon or AA to get scared away because they think they must follow the stricter approaches of the AA groups in our area.

Al Anon's Tradition 2

Al Anon's Tradition 2: For our group purpose there is but one authority-a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscious. Our leaders are but trusted servants- they do not govern.

The other day I was jokingly grumbling about how a certain member volunteered to run the two meetings I attended most regularly. I joked that he just signed up for "March" because he wanted to secretary every meeting instead of for just one group. He also was the speaker at other Al Anon meetings in our area that month. Obviously, the person was spreading himself too thin, but because he was so visible so much he gave newcomers the unwanted impression that he was an authority figure for the group. Most people don't want to try and make themselves the group's Higher Power, but many times it happens by accident if we don't follow this tradition.

(Photo by Andreas Krappweis.)

The traditions are here to make sure that we don't bring in the dysfunctional habits of our pre-Al Anon days and try to impose them on the group. Because of this, Tradition 2 works with Step 2 (Came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity.) and Step  3 (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to a Higher Power and we understood him/her.) While we need our groups to run smoothly, we also can not force decisions ans we need to make sure everyone has a say in changes. I don't know many people that like group conscious meetings, but it allows us all to get together and vote on what we each is best in decisions for the group. Besides, rotating service helps each member participate and become stronger from the benefits.

I left my original Al Anon home group because I felt that it had become dysfunctional. (There are some entries detailing my anxiety about this under the former home group tag.) At that time,  one person took a specific service position, held the only keys to the meeting place, and generally ran most of the business for the group. The group was very large and most people were used to just coming to the meeting without having to do any of the work to make it run. When the member's term in the service position was up he tried to hurriedly force everyone into quickly voting him back in during the part of the meeting when people can make announcements. Other members demanded a group conscious, but by the time that occurred the situation with the member had escalated and there was a painful parting of the ways. The issues with this member caused such a division in the group that I did not want to go back.

I love my current home group because we rotate service so regularly that people only have to secretary once a year—but everyone does it. When there is even  slightest idea of a group issue people call for group conscious and remind others of the rules. We try to be careful to follow the traditions and try to make sure that no one is dominant.

Al Anon’s Tradition 1

Al Anon’s Tradition 1: Our common welfare should come first. Personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity.

I’ve been around Al Anon enough to see this tradition working (or not working) in the groups and how we should keep the traditions in mind. But, one night it really rang true to me because I could see how it could work in my life outside the program.

(Photo by artM of Stock.xchng.)

A couple of years ago I was having trouble with my boyfriend and it seemed that we were on the verge of breaking up. I went to an Al Anon meeting on Tradition 1. People at the meeting talked about their families and how they used this tradition to keep the peace in their households. They talked about agreeing to disagree and being equal to those around you. I also learned to listen with love even when I didn’t agree with the person. I realized that, as a couple, our common welfare should come first and that we should put that first, above petty personal issues.

Now when I think that I have a bone to pick, this tradition stops me in my tracks. Arguing, criticizing or other destructive behavior will not help keep us together. We can still be individuals, but if I am behaving in a way that will separate us, I am not thinking of “our common welfare”.

Al Anon's Tradition 12

Al-Anon’s Tradition 12:  Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.

(Photo by Billy Alexander.)

I don’t have many notes on Tradition 12 but I made a few observations based on readings from Al Anon literature.

Tradition 12 ensures that one member is not held above another. At an Al-Anon meeting I once encountered a famous person who stared on a television show. My hometown also happens to be theirs. This person needed the same help that the rest of us do, and they were able to walk in the room without being swamped for autographs or gossiped about. This tradition also protects us, the “little guy” as the less famous (or less experienced) can get an equal chance at help.


Recently, at a meeting I realized that protecting someone else’s anonymity is best done when we focus on ourselves and not on others. I think this is one of the reasons why gossip is so frowned upon in Al Anon—it helps people to stay in their downward spiral without addressing their own problems and character defects.

Al Anon’s Tradition 11

Al-Anon’s Tradition 11-- Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and films. Al-Anon Addition: We need guard with special care the anonymity of all A.A. members.

(Photo by Sem Rox.)

Tradition 11 “defines our public relations policy” according to Paths to Recovery (p.227 of the 1997 edition). The anonymity part is the key to this tradition. It places principals above personalities and makes it seem more human, as opposed to commercial.

I think of this tradition as being linked to Al Anon’s Step 12-  Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. We cannot tell other people what to do, nor can we make them come to the program. Also in Paths to Recovery, there is a little story about how you can lead a chain but not push it (p.230 of the 1997 edition). We can attract people to Al Anon by living the principals to the best of our ability and allow them to see the benefits in us. Soon, they may want what we have – serenity.

At one of the new meetings I’ve been attending they read the page on the tradition of the month out of The Al Anon pamphlet The Twelve Steps and Traditions at the beginning of each meeting. I never paid much attention to the part of Tradition 11 that says, “We need guard with special care the anonymity of all A.A. members.” I just assumed that I should not identify anyone I saw in any 12 step program, ever, But, recently I was struck by a passage in the Twelve Steps pamphlet that mentions, “When alcoholics are still drinking they have no anonymity; their own conduct exposes the fact of their alcoholism.” P.22 When I first heard that read I thought “Wait – that is a little bit harsh.”  Here I am thinking that tradition applies to every alcoholic.

I see the passage in Twelve Steps as a form of detachment. When the alcoholic is drinking, we often try to cover for them. But, we must allow them to face the consequences of their own actions. If the alcoholics are working to stay sober and clean up their past we have no business holding them responsible for it and we need not mention their A.A. membership. Really, there is no reason to mention another person’s alcoholism at any point – drunk or sober. Their behavior is what it is and we can’t change that. But we can allow them to be who they are at that point and to experience the good and bad of their decisions.  

Al-Anon's Tradition 10

Tradition 10: The Al-Anon family groups have no opinion on outside issues: hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

Al-Anon's Tradition 10 always seems to be one of the easiest traditions to discuss during my home group's monthly tradition meetings. At first, it seems cut and dried: don't link Al Anon with anything not related to it. However, there are some interesting subtitles that have come out as we've discussed this tradition over the years.

(Photo by Carl Dwyer.)

According to my notes on Tradition 10, we have the right to express ourselves in relation to our experience, strength and hope, but yet we should stay out of things that are not our business. Tradition 1 states "Our common welfare should come first." and Tradition 10 backs that up by creating a safe environment for all members. Opinions are distractions from Al-Anon's primary purpose (to help friends and relatives of alcoholics)  and could lead to divisions among members. We can do anything we want on our own time, but we must keep our opinions out of meetings, where the focus is to work on how alcohol has affected us. This is also why crosstalk is not allowed-- we don't want to make judgements on another member's share, but instead we should listen and figure out what we can use from it to improve our own situation. We should look for commonalities among to bring us together. 

According to the Tradition 10 chapter in Paths to Recovery, “outside issues can divert us from our primary spiritual aim.” (P. 220 1997 edition)  We can do anything we want on our own time, but we must keep our opinions out of meetings, where the focus is to work on how alcohol has affected us.  Using this idea as a guide helps us to sort out what is important to discuss in a meeting. While alcoholism is a big problem in society we can’t decide which treatments or social solutions are best during meetings. That would be focusing on others and not on ourselves. Opinions also disrupt the healthy atmosphere of the group by giving one person more attention than others. This distracts from other members who also need attention for personal matters. The chapter on Tradition 10 also mentions,  “Not taking a stand supports inclusiveness.” (P. 221 1997 edition.)

When people bring up outside opinions during Al Anon meetings we should not react but talk calmly to them about it instead. Since many members have a fear of conflict, Al Anon meetings provide a safe place to test our new skills in this respect. We learn to express ourselves without getting involved in other people’s business. As my sponsor often says, “Say what you mean without saying it mean.”

Unacceptable Behavior and Character Defects

It is funny how weird things come together in programs like Al Anon. On Sunday I didn't go to church with my boyfriend because he was sick. Instead I went to an Al Anon meeting at a local college. There is a lot of 12 stepping at this place on Sunday. There is a big AA meeting in a basement lecture hall and 2 different Al Anon meetings upstairs in some regular classrooms. I usually go to the Al-Anon meeting that has a speaker on the step of the week.

(Photo by David Lat.)

Well, on Sunday there was a problem with the room for that meeting and so we combined with the other Al Anon meeting, which is where they read the day's passage from Courage to Change and discuss it. The groups were gracious about combining for that day and I heard both the speaker and the September 23rd reading from the book. The reading was about unacceptable behavior and the speaker talked about Step 7 (Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.). In an interesting way they both came together for me.

In the reading the writer described how another program member handled a rude store clerk by acting courteously instead of behaving more aggressively. The writer, like I thought so many times, asked herself why this was happening even though Al-Anon teaches us to not accept unacceptable behavior.  This was a conundrum I had myself for a long time and I realized something with this. "Not accepting" doesn't only mean standing up for yourself but it also means that old Al Anon saying "Don't pick it up if it isn't yours." So, the person in the reading did not engage with the rude clerk -- this was the smartest thing to do as a daily confrontation would get her nowhere. I've been thinking about this kind of thing a lot because my boyfriend is under a lot of pressure and therefore occasionally offensive, rude and argumentative. I have to keep in mind that this tension is his, not mine, and I don't have to take it on and so I don't need to engage with this behavior.

Ahhh...this is where Step 7 comes in, where we humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. The "humility" part is important here, because I have to put aside my character defects for the good of our relationship. (I like to think of Al-Anon's Tradition 1 for relationship issues: "Our common welfare comes first; personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity.") Yes, I am offended by some petty thing, but where would it get us if I kept harping on it? There are other ways to resolve the problem. Knowing that my boyfriend has a good heart and a strong AA program, I have to trust that he can take his own inventory and manage his own attitudes. I've seen plenty of evidence of this in the past and I know he can come out of this on his own and be a great guy again. 

Al-Anon’s Tradition 9

Al-Anon’s Tradition 9: Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

When I first came to Al Anon I couldn’t figure this tradition out. How could a group work if it was never organized? Weren’t we organized in some way, with the meeting format and World Service? The Al-Anon book Paths to Recovery (in the chapter on Tradition 9) describes Al-Anon as having as a “common structure”. This chapter also mentions “Although not organized in the usual sense of the word, Al-Anon does have a service structure.” (p. 214 in the 1997 edition) This, of course, made me wonder about the difference between organization and structure.

(Photo by Christa Richert.)

The first “Members Share” story in the Paths to Recovery chapter on Tradition 9 tells of how a group became “organized”, which meant lots of procedures that chased people away. Also, the story mentions some members controlled the group and left others out. In the second “Members Share” story (p. 216 in the1997 edition) the Al-Anon member wrote, “Organization implies that some members have power or authority over others.” Making things voluntary means that one person does not decide who does which jobs—rotation of service helps keeps power issues in check. OK, I got this now.

I immediately thought of issues I’ve had with my former home group over the past year. At this time this year I wrote about a conflict in myhome group that now seems to relate to Tradition 9. Some parts of the Members Share stories in Paths to Recovery seem to be just like our situation. The controlling member of our group had one of two keys, had his name on the lease to the meeting space, was the treasurer for years and was in charge of the literature. He had also started the meeting years ago and had been doing all of these things since then. One day I helped him clean up and count money. He gave me a record sheet to fill out, which included a count of how many members were in attendance! He seemed to assume that I knew how to do things his way, as that was how everyone ended up doing it. I just guessed at the number and thought, “Boy, I’ll never help him clean up again!”

That member left after a painful conflict that divided our group. This conflict is one of the reasons I chose to leave my home group as I no longer feel comfortable there and don’t feel that it is healthy.

Notes from meetings I’ve attended on Tradition 9 mention how this tradition relates to Steps 2 and 3- we have to trust the group to a Higher Power. Control issues arise if tradition 9 is not used. This is part of doing your part but not trying to make others do theirs. In our groups we can’t have the feeling that only one person can do things.  It leads to members not feeling equal. Rigid division of labor doesn’t work, as someone pointed out in one of these meetings. We should just let it flow and jump in to help where needed. 

Al-Anon's Tradition 8

Al-Anon’s Tradition 8: Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

(Photo by Dimitris Kritsotakis.)

The traditions aren’t big in my area, so I’ve only been to one meeting that discussed Tradition 8. To me this tradition directly relates to Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principals in all our affairs. We can each use our gifts as volunteers to spread the word about the program.

Another way this tradition helps is to not give newcomers the impression that they are being “sold” a particular philosophy that may chase them away. We announce at the beginnings of the meetings to keep outside religions and professions out of the discussion. This helps members (newcomers in particular) realize that their opinions are just as valid as others, “professional” or not. It makes people’s shares more human and we can better identify with one another.

Since I am not a professional in any job that this would apply to, I have to remember for myself that I am not a professional and I don’t need to give unsolicited advice about medical care, mental illness, legal matters or other things on which I am not qualified to give advice on.

Tradition 8 is another measure that keeps us equal. I know that people who have been in the program for years and years come in suffering as if it were their first day. We can’t lord it over each other because focusing on others keeps us from focusing on ourselves.

I assume that the “special workers” means people who get paid, or else there probably wouldn’t be enough volunteers to run some of the day-to-day functions of the office. No group can ask the few who are willing to work for free to take on extra work all of the time. I’m sure this would bring out the martyrs, which is a character defect that the Al Anon program often addresses and helps members to eliminate. 

Al-Anon’s Tradition 7

Al-Anon’s Tradition 7 - Every group ought to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Over the weekend I was looking through my notebooks for some ideas I wrote down during different Al Anon meetings about Tradition 7. In this tradition are the obvious points—that Al Anon members should contribute to keep the meetings running without having to take from anyone who could compromise the recovery of the group members. But, I also found a few notes that related directly to my personal situation as of late.

(Photo by Paola Viveiros.)

As I’ve mentioned in recent posts, I know that I tend to become too emotionally dependent on my boyfriend. I was looking over the chapter on Tradition 7 in Paths to Recovery. In the “Member’s Share” section (p. 198 of the 1997 edition) an Al Anon member wrote, “I need to be self supporting socially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I can not depend on another person for my happiness.”  That rings true to me lately. Even though I am an adult and would never consciously try to make someone make me happy, I realize that when I am not willing to use my own skills I depend on someone else to give me an unreasonable amount of support.

Lately I have been going backwards a bit. This dissatisfaction I have with my sponsor and my former home group is pulling me down. However I have a break from this hectic summer coming up and I think that when I get this breather it will be a nice time to take stock. If the people around me cannot emotionally support me in the way that I demand I have to pull back and think of more constructive ways to do things. If finding a new sponsor is too overwhelming for me at this time I can talk to other members who have reached out for me.

Notice that I say that I can, not that I will. This stuff is often a lot harder than it looks, especially since I can be so resistant to change. Other observations in my Al Anon notebooks mention, “trusting yourself” and “protecting our spiritual growth”.  Because I grew up with alcoholic parents I didn’t learn to do any of these things. Being too heavily dependent on one person can stop me from seeing other viewpoints that may help me and I won’t trust myself to make a decent decision. While money is often focused on for tradition 7 (and rightly so as it is an important issue) I choose to see it as relating to my emotional independence.