Al-Anon’s Step 8

Al Anon’s Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

It helped me to approach this step by using some of the techniques outlined in the Step Eight chapter of Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon’sSteps, Traditions and Concepts.To work Step 8 I first consulted my list of character defects from Step 4. I found out that it was the best way to sort out if I had harmed somebody, but feeling shameful and guilty still had me later adding people that didn’t belong. 

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

Next I made a little chart showing the people closest to me and then went out to people that were not so close. Then, I made another little chart where I listed the names under the headings “Amends are possible”, “I do what I can do”, “People from the past” and “?”. The “?” was very long, but my sponsor helped me to see that some of those people were probably not harmed and some were too far in the distant past to agonize over.

I then took the names of the people closest to me and wrote notes for “How harmed?” and “Appropriate amends”. I know some people can’t approach how to do amends during this step, but I used my inventory and talked to my sponsor about it. Seeing a way to make the amends and having a plan for this helped me to become willing—it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.

Needless to say, all of this list making took a long time. At first I didn’t know who to put on it, aside from the people immediately closest to me, but then it seemed that everyone I ever knew ended up on it. During this process I learned to separate my ideas of shame from the genuine need to make amends. This is why so many people from elementary and middle school ended up on the list. I was also surprised that I could eliminate most names from the “I do what I can do” list because my sponsor helped me realize I was already trying to do the best that I could within the boundaries of those relationships. 

I also learned that being willing was also different than being obligated. I felt like a kid who’s mom makes them say they were sorry when they didn’t really mean it. But, after all of this sorting out I could understand my own behavior better and how it was harmful to others. Being willing didn’t happen overnight, but it did eventually happen for a lot of the people on my list of people closest to me. Now I know that if I have trouble making amends to someone else I can take my time and wait until I am truly willing. Not only will I better understand why I did things, but my amends will be genuine and I will be able to more easily settle my mind.