Forgiveness

I decided that in order to help me use this blog better that I should write something each week, outside of just talking about the steps. I had to secretary my online group in August and I enjoyed writing the little blurbs to start off the topic. So, for lack of anything I felt very passionate about writing, I looked to that group again for inspiration. The topic this week is forgiveness. Ugh. I don't want to write about that but my Al Anon experience tells me that not wanting to write about something is my way of avoiding it.

(Photo by Dario Dzimbeg.)

I hate saying, "I forgive you." Why? I don't know, except that in the past I always felt that forgiveness was something that I was not able to choose to do on my own. In school and church we were taught that this was a value we all needed to stress. It was almost automatic-- if someone wrongs us we should forgive right away. I didn't understand that forgiveness was a process and it was ok if it took awhile. I felt guilty if I did not truly forgive someone in someone else's time.

When I met my boyfriend forgiveness became harder because when I felt the pressure to forgive I became very resentful. When he would do something that I felt was wrong and I would try to talk to him about it he would badger me and keep saying, "Let it go! Let it go!" without really giving me a chance to talk. He implied that something was wrong with me if I did not automatically forgive him. I flashed back to the teachings of my youth and while I honestly did not forgive him, I felt I could not say any more or I would look like the one who could not be mature about things.

So, I had a lot to learn about this when I came to Al Anon. My boyfriend was one of the most difficult people to consider when doing Al Anon's Step 8 and Step 9. It was hard for me to see how I had wronged him because I was so resentful of how he treated me. One of the most important things I learned while doing these steps is changing what I accept from others. My sponsor said that a good way to make amends with someone is to simply change my behavior, and that extended to no longer accepting unacceptable behavior.

I was a bit confused by this. When I now know as setting boundaries sounded like harsh behavior. I began to try to talk to my boyfriend differently. When he would badger me to forgive him, I told him that I can't be ordered to forgive, and that it was a process that I had to do within myself and in my own time. He didn't know what to say to that. I gradually learned that his behavior was a defense mechanism and that he was responsible for that behavior, not me.

When I say he is responsible for his own behavior, this is another liberation that came from Steps 4-9. I learned to separate my responsibilities from his behavior. I also learned a lot more about alcoholism.  I can forgive him in a more genuine way because I can see how his disease affects him. I know how to better talk to him so I can "say what I mean but don't say it mean." (Another favorite saying of my sponsor.) I can set my boundaries in the beginning so there is less resentment and more constructive communication.(I wrote more about some of these things in my entry "Expecting Amends from Others".)

Intimacy

(Illustration by Rafael Marchesini.)

In the third session of the Fall 2010 workshop I went to a session on intimacy. This, I knew, was a hard topic for me because I've never allowed many people to get close to me. Even now, I have few friends, though Al Anon allows me to be more social that I used to be. In fact, I go to so many Al Anon events because they are “safe”. I know many of the people and I know there will be no drinking. However, socializing outside of Al Anon continues to be a struggle. Because I came from the "crazy" alcoholic family I never wanted people to know my secrets and I was ashamed of just everything about myself. I had no idea of how to have a "normal" friendship. So, here are some of my notes from the past fall workshop session on intimacy.

Intimacy starts with letting others love you. Not being yourself around people prevents intimacy. And, depending on yourself to solve everything  all of the time prevents engaging with other people. The difficult part of intimacy comes when you have to tell people things you don't want to tell them or that  you willl know they won't like. When people talk about intimate things you love them more.

I just realized that Al Anon and the 12 steps are all about fostering intimacy. Telling another human being about your shortcomings and they will listen without judgment. Learning to accept yourself after seeing that other people accept you for what you are.