Al Anon's Step 4

Al Anon’s step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Ugh, step 4

When I go to step meetings I always breathe a sigh of relief when we get over the hump and pass these middle steps, sometimes called the "action steps" because we have to get out in the world and do something other than just think about it. I wrote about some of the emotions involved when I did step four in the entry "The Hardest Steps"and now I want to talk about how I approached it. From my very first days in Al Anon I worried about this step because I felt I would be confronted all at once with every horrible failing that I had. In my first year I was also scared by the intensity with which others approached this step. In meetings, a lot is made of the Al Anon workbook Blueprint for Progress: 4^th Step Inventory but this is only a tool to get us thinking. We can only decide for ourselves how to approach this step, and when we are ready.

(Photo by Laura Nubuck.)

Here are the things that worked for me when I did Al Anon's Step 4:

1.) I realized that only I could decide when I was ready to start this step. It just snuck up on me one day and, after months of agonizing,  beginning the step just suddenly felt right.

2.) Once I was ready, I had to just start, even if it is only in one small way. What I did was to take a question each day from Blueprint for Progress, write it down, and keep it in my pocket so I could think about it during the day. Later, especially after I got a sponsor, this all speeded up. But, it allowed me to get going easily. 

3.) As much as I love the AA members in my life, I realized that I should not let them tell me how to do my 4th step. In my area, Al Anon approaches this step differently and I learned not to feel guilty if I wasn't doing it the "original" way. This leads me to...

4.) Every single 12 stepper has a different definition of "fearless" but that doesn't mean that it has to be mine, or that I'm are doing it wrong if I don't follow what others do. Meetings and online forums can be full of very opinionated members who think that anything less than their method is not fearless. As I've moved on in the program, I've learned that the idea of fearlessness changes as I grow. As I get stronger I can dig into something new I never realized about myself before. That led me to this next realization.

5.) The first time I did the fourth step would not have to be the only time and a Step 4 inventory doesn't have to be perfect. This comforted me greatly as it took me about 6 months to complete this step. I thought about it all the time and didn't think I was "fearless" enough if it wasn't constantly on my mind. I went in circles with it and frustrated myself until I realized that I should just stop because there would be other opportunities to do this step again as I grew. 

6.) I learned to stop. This was perhaps the most important realization I had. I saw at one point that I was just stuck on the same things and I should just end it and call my sponsor and set a time to do Step 5. Some members make a big deal about how long they worked on this step, but at some point "searching" becomes frustrating and I learned that it is OK to move on.

 So, those are some of my experiences. For more of my experiences see the Step 4 tag.

Monday, Monday, Oh How I Hate That Day

I didn't used to have a bad attitude about Monday, but I do these days. Lately starting a new work week seems like such a drag. Earlier in September I had worries on the home front but now I am feeling weighted down by things at work and I'm wondering how to break out of it.

A couple of years ago I realized that I had a horrible attitude towards my job (the one I still have now). It is not a bad job and rather good for me, but I just didn't see it. I remember another Al Anon member saying in a meeting that she had been at her job forever and she felt that it was the only job she could do and that she would never be able to get a different job. I felt that way too, and sometimes, to some extent, I still feel that way.

(Photo by Mario Alberto Magallanes Trejo.)

What helped me then was to do a mini 4th Step related only towards my job. That helped me figure out that I had issues with my boss. I have since settled those old problems and now that part of my work life is quite comfortable. Also then, I realized that I loved my students and that they were the best part of my job. That has always been the most consistent part of things at my job and one of the main reasons why I stayed in it. Surprisingly, that has changed and I can't figure out why.

I thought that maybe I should do another mini 4th step but my brain is so muddled that I can't think of where to begin with it. Even though I usually save all of my Al Anon writing I, for some reason, didn't save that. I did decide that I should, instead, think about each student I have today and think about something that I "got" from them. Like a 4th step inventory, I realized that this includes both positive and negative.

Student 1: an interesting discussion about Chinese traditional painting and a contemporary artist.
Student 2: exercising patience
Student 3: Exercising Patience and suppressing frustration. 
Student 4: Suppressing Frustration but enjoying watching her work hard at puzzling things out
Student 5: entertaining conversation with a student I really get along with about the use of various English words

Student 6: exercising patience but still enjoying her pleasant personality.

On top of this I was alone in the office with the boss because we have a small office, there is no workstudy during the day, and the administrative person was out. Even though I was fully booked with students I had to juggle several things while my boss sat on his office and watched sports on the internet. (You can tell what kind of husband he would be.) So far this semester, my pleas to have a workstudy during the day have gone over his head.

So, um, I clearly need to work on patience and resolving my frustration, but there is still plenty to love about my students.

The Hardest Steps

This morning I was going through some of my old notebooks to prepare another entry I got to thinking. In my first year or so in Al-Anon Steps 4 and 9 were the most intimidating to me. I went to many meetings on these topics. If a meeting was on one of those steps I was there, with my notebook in hand and my ears wide open.  I knew (or so I thought) that these would be the hardest steps as they would force me to confront my greatest failings and own up to them. It was a long road to these steps, but in the end it ended up quite differently than I imagined.

(Photo by Dani Simmonds.)

I remember making a list of flaws for Step 4 during my first few weeks in Al Anon. I kept it in the back of my meeting notebook and when I heard something at a meeting that sounded like me, I added it to the list. Being an over-achiever, I wanted to get the “hardest” thing out of the way first. For Step 9 my feelings were the opposite. The only thing looming over me with that was the terrifying idea of making amends with my alcoholic mother. She had abused me both physically and emotionally when I was growing up and so I thought our bad relationship was entirely all my fault.(I'll write more about that in an upcoming entry on Step 9.)

The steps are in order for a reason, as many like to say. I do think that elements of the steps show up in each other, though. For example, going to meetings on Step 11 helped me work Steps 2 and 3. I learned that Steps 4 and 9 are linked because they helped me see my true characteristics and my part in my own relationships with others.

Step 4 did take me the better part of a year when I first did it, but I learned a lot and could use it to defend myself in my relationships. If I felt my boyfriend was being manipulative, I could go over what I knew about myself and not bite into what he was saying or doing. As in his relationship with his daughter, he spends a lot of time trying to make me over into what he wants. I learned to realize that what he thinks needs improvement are not necessarily the real issues, and I can defend myself better when he is critical.

Similarly, with Step 9 I realized that I did not need to bite into manipulation because I felt guilty. I do what I can do within the boundaries of that relationship. And, my sponsor taught me that making amends has more to do with changing my behavior rather than anything else. With my boyfriend, I just try to change the way I deal with him and not only does it give me peace of mind, but it helps me not to get into the downward spiral of resentments, arguments and dramatic late night phone calls.

I can’t really say any step is the “hardest” because they each have their own qualities and working them is up to the individual. However, I did learn that they all feed into each other and keeping up with them helps me live a much better life.  

Al-Anon’s Step 8

Al Anon’s Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

It helped me to approach this step by using some of the techniques outlined in the Step Eight chapter of Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon’sSteps, Traditions and Concepts.To work Step 8 I first consulted my list of character defects from Step 4. I found out that it was the best way to sort out if I had harmed somebody, but feeling shameful and guilty still had me later adding people that didn’t belong. 

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

Next I made a little chart showing the people closest to me and then went out to people that were not so close. Then, I made another little chart where I listed the names under the headings “Amends are possible”, “I do what I can do”, “People from the past” and “?”. The “?” was very long, but my sponsor helped me to see that some of those people were probably not harmed and some were too far in the distant past to agonize over.

I then took the names of the people closest to me and wrote notes for “How harmed?” and “Appropriate amends”. I know some people can’t approach how to do amends during this step, but I used my inventory and talked to my sponsor about it. Seeing a way to make the amends and having a plan for this helped me to become willing—it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.

Needless to say, all of this list making took a long time. At first I didn’t know who to put on it, aside from the people immediately closest to me, but then it seemed that everyone I ever knew ended up on it. During this process I learned to separate my ideas of shame from the genuine need to make amends. This is why so many people from elementary and middle school ended up on the list. I was also surprised that I could eliminate most names from the “I do what I can do” list because my sponsor helped me realize I was already trying to do the best that I could within the boundaries of those relationships. 

I also learned that being willing was also different than being obligated. I felt like a kid who’s mom makes them say they were sorry when they didn’t really mean it. But, after all of this sorting out I could understand my own behavior better and how it was harmful to others. Being willing didn’t happen overnight, but it did eventually happen for a lot of the people on my list of people closest to me. Now I know that if I have trouble making amends to someone else I can take my time and wait until I am truly willing. Not only will I better understand why I did things, but my amends will be genuine and I will be able to more easily settle my mind.