Forgiveness

I decided that in order to help me use this blog better that I should write something each week, outside of just talking about the steps. I had to secretary my online group in August and I enjoyed writing the little blurbs to start off the topic. So, for lack of anything I felt very passionate about writing, I looked to that group again for inspiration. The topic this week is forgiveness. Ugh. I don't want to write about that but my Al Anon experience tells me that not wanting to write about something is my way of avoiding it.

(Photo by Dario Dzimbeg.)

I hate saying, "I forgive you." Why? I don't know, except that in the past I always felt that forgiveness was something that I was not able to choose to do on my own. In school and church we were taught that this was a value we all needed to stress. It was almost automatic-- if someone wrongs us we should forgive right away. I didn't understand that forgiveness was a process and it was ok if it took awhile. I felt guilty if I did not truly forgive someone in someone else's time.

When I met my boyfriend forgiveness became harder because when I felt the pressure to forgive I became very resentful. When he would do something that I felt was wrong and I would try to talk to him about it he would badger me and keep saying, "Let it go! Let it go!" without really giving me a chance to talk. He implied that something was wrong with me if I did not automatically forgive him. I flashed back to the teachings of my youth and while I honestly did not forgive him, I felt I could not say any more or I would look like the one who could not be mature about things.

So, I had a lot to learn about this when I came to Al Anon. My boyfriend was one of the most difficult people to consider when doing Al Anon's Step 8 and Step 9. It was hard for me to see how I had wronged him because I was so resentful of how he treated me. One of the most important things I learned while doing these steps is changing what I accept from others. My sponsor said that a good way to make amends with someone is to simply change my behavior, and that extended to no longer accepting unacceptable behavior.

I was a bit confused by this. When I now know as setting boundaries sounded like harsh behavior. I began to try to talk to my boyfriend differently. When he would badger me to forgive him, I told him that I can't be ordered to forgive, and that it was a process that I had to do within myself and in my own time. He didn't know what to say to that. I gradually learned that his behavior was a defense mechanism and that he was responsible for that behavior, not me.

When I say he is responsible for his own behavior, this is another liberation that came from Steps 4-9. I learned to separate my responsibilities from his behavior. I also learned a lot more about alcoholism.  I can forgive him in a more genuine way because I can see how his disease affects him. I know how to better talk to him so I can "say what I mean but don't say it mean." (Another favorite saying of my sponsor.) I can set my boundaries in the beginning so there is less resentment and more constructive communication.(I wrote more about some of these things in my entry "Expecting Amends from Others".)

Al-Anon’s Step 10

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Al-Anon’s Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sometimes I wonder, do I ever really work this step? I know I do in some way, but I often feel like I didn’t because I wasn’t doing it in the way people talk about. It seems that the most popular way for people to do step 10 is to review their day while they are in bed waiting to go to sleep. I usually just want to go to sleep. But, like all of the steps, there is more than one way to work them.

(Photo by Carl Dwyer.)

I don’t have many notes for Step 10 in my Al-Anon meeting notebooks. It seems to be a bit of a neglected step in my area. I do have notes that say Step 10 helps identify what is blocking further progress. This is the step to use when you hit the wall. One member referred to it as "cleaning your mind". It is about asking yourself, "What is the lesson I need to learn from this?" Learn it and move on in peace.

My number one way to work Step 10, I think, is to just go to meetings. This is a quiet place where I can detach from what is going on around me and try to think more. This blog is another good way to reflect. I also know people that go through the Step 4 workbook, Blueprint for Progress every single year, but I don’t. Sometimes I will review a section or two on an appropriate topic, but I found that I over-thought my fourth step by using Blueprint for Progress and so I take it gently.

According to Paths to Recovery some people call Step 10 a “maintenance step” while others call it a “continuous growth” step. I prefer continuous growth. The chapter on Step 10 also emphasizes using all the previous steps, such as asking God to remove our shortcomings when we realize we are wrong. I always took “and promptly admitted it” to be about apologizing, but then I realized it is more about my relationship with my Higher Power. Only by doing this can I see the appropriate way for amends. After all, we are first powerless over other people and must think and take the next right action if we want things to be settled.

Al-Anon’s Step 9

Al-Anon’s Step 9: Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I started this entry 3 weeks ago and I am still procrastinating with it, which tells me that this is still a hard step for me.  I even stopped this to go start next month’s Step 10 entry because I had some good ideas about it in the shower. If you look at my Step 9 tag you can see all of the mini entries that I got off track with.

(Photo by Michael Faes.)

OK, so when I first came to Al-Anon this was on my list of the two scariest steps. Going over my old Al Anon meeting notebooks I realized I don't actually have a lot of notes on Step 9, for all I agonized over it. I do have a note that says, "The point of Step 9 is to plan and act rationally." Thinking about this, I realized that this step asks us to go and make nice with some of the very people who press our buttons or who have hurt us very badly. No wonder it seems so scary!

The scariest thing for me to do was to consider making amends with my alcoholic mother.  She was physically and verbally abusive to me while I was growing up and to some point I am still intimidated by her. Sorting out guilt was a big one for me with this step. My sponsor helped me with this. She helped me see that I was doing the best that I could within the confines of the relationship and I need not go any further until the right time.

Using what I learned in Step 8, I knew that I shouldn't jump to make amends unless I was willing. Now, I also add, “ready” along with “willing”. In my notes I wrote about how this step is about removing obstacles and being quiet helps with this step.

In the Step 9 chapter of Paths to Recovery the writer mentions breaking down the Step 8 list into groups of people we were more or less willing to take action with. This also helped me a lot. I could prioritize and feel like I was doing something to work the step, but then put other issues aside until I was surer about what to do. Also as suggested in the chapter, I could correct harms immediately simply just by changing my behavior towards someone on my list. This helped a lot in my relationship with my boyfriend. I still, in some ways, feel I haven’t “officially” worked this step when it comes to him, but my sponsor assures me that my slow but steady behavioral changes are what is important.

Expecting Amends From Others

I remember that my Dad made a stab at AA back when I was first in college. I was talking to a counselor at school that I could finally relate to (after years of talking to school counselors because of my “crazy” family) and he recommended Al-Anon for me.  But, at the time I thought it was more important for my Dad to get to Alcoholics Anonymous and I just went to kill time in that meeting full of what I thought were cliquish crazy people.

(Photo by Helmut Gevert.)

I remember reading the AA literature and thinking that I couldn’t wait until my Dad got to Step 9, where he would make amends to the people he had harmed. That was the main thing I was focused on, because I felt he had caused so much harm to our family. Well, that never happened because he quit AA after a month or so and since he was my ride to Al Anon I stopped going too.  (Notice that I don’t have a car and often what I do depends on piggybacking on what the alcoholic is doing. This is part of my break from my former home group—I got tired of depending on my boyfriend to get me to the meeting when I should really just manage my meetings on my own.)

So, flash foreword to about 5 years ago, when my boyfriend first became sober. I didn’t have Al Anon but I was wary of it from my earlier experiences. Like many AA members he got a sponsor and started step work right within his first month. He liked talking about all of his step work, which I doubt he would do now that he’s had more experience. (Then he emphasized that he wanted to prove to me that he was working hard at being sober.)  As part of his over-sharing, he told me how it went when he made amends with his ex-wife and children. It stunned me when he said, “I don’t need to make amends with you because you weren’t with me during the worst of my drinking.”

It took me a long time to get over that. Even though I was more mature and didn’t overtly expect him to make amends the way I expected my Dad to do, I was still hurt by this for a long time. What helped me get over it was realizing that he was doing the best he could with the skills he had at the time. I now realize that many parts of his life were very painful and it still continues to be a lot for him to handle. No one can “fix” a lifetime of drinking all at once. I also got over this hurt by recognizing his efforts to be better towards me. He is not one for formal apologies and his way is to just try to do better. But, that is what amends are really about.

Eventual Amends

Lately I've been struggling with a situation that I think will eventually require amends. The situation, right now, is very difficult for me so I think this clouds my thinking. I'm also still going through my Al Anon notes to prepare to write an entry about Step 9 (Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.) I think my current feeling about the amends I think I need to make is leading to procrastination on this entry, but today after sorting out my notes I feel better.

(Photo by Justyna Furmanczyk.)

I made the following notes in different Al-Anon meetings over the past few years. For me, right now, this is what I need to know about Step 9:

• This step is about waiting and being quiet. The opportunity for amends will come at the right time and shouldn't be forced.
• Part of this waiting is backing off and allowing others to see their own mistakes. I don't need to force this either, and backing off allows me to detach enough to see my part in the relationship.
• Being willing to make amends is different from being ready. I feel a willingness in the area I am struggling with but I am not yet ready, and that is OK too.
• I should not giving people power over my own happiness - amends helps settle issues in my mind.
• To make amends I must be willing to bear the discomfort.
• The humility part of Step 7 (Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.) can help with Step 9. I have to learn to put aside things that are not really important to the issue.

There are many other things I can write about with this step, but this is just what I am working on right now. 

The Hardest Steps

This morning I was going through some of my old notebooks to prepare another entry I got to thinking. In my first year or so in Al-Anon Steps 4 and 9 were the most intimidating to me. I went to many meetings on these topics. If a meeting was on one of those steps I was there, with my notebook in hand and my ears wide open.  I knew (or so I thought) that these would be the hardest steps as they would force me to confront my greatest failings and own up to them. It was a long road to these steps, but in the end it ended up quite differently than I imagined.

(Photo by Dani Simmonds.)

I remember making a list of flaws for Step 4 during my first few weeks in Al Anon. I kept it in the back of my meeting notebook and when I heard something at a meeting that sounded like me, I added it to the list. Being an over-achiever, I wanted to get the “hardest” thing out of the way first. For Step 9 my feelings were the opposite. The only thing looming over me with that was the terrifying idea of making amends with my alcoholic mother. She had abused me both physically and emotionally when I was growing up and so I thought our bad relationship was entirely all my fault.(I'll write more about that in an upcoming entry on Step 9.)

The steps are in order for a reason, as many like to say. I do think that elements of the steps show up in each other, though. For example, going to meetings on Step 11 helped me work Steps 2 and 3. I learned that Steps 4 and 9 are linked because they helped me see my true characteristics and my part in my own relationships with others.

Step 4 did take me the better part of a year when I first did it, but I learned a lot and could use it to defend myself in my relationships. If I felt my boyfriend was being manipulative, I could go over what I knew about myself and not bite into what he was saying or doing. As in his relationship with his daughter, he spends a lot of time trying to make me over into what he wants. I learned to realize that what he thinks needs improvement are not necessarily the real issues, and I can defend myself better when he is critical.

Similarly, with Step 9 I realized that I did not need to bite into manipulation because I felt guilty. I do what I can do within the boundaries of that relationship. And, my sponsor taught me that making amends has more to do with changing my behavior rather than anything else. With my boyfriend, I just try to change the way I deal with him and not only does it give me peace of mind, but it helps me not to get into the downward spiral of resentments, arguments and dramatic late night phone calls.

I can’t really say any step is the “hardest” because they each have their own qualities and working them is up to the individual. However, I did learn that they all feed into each other and keeping up with them helps me live a much better life.  

Al-Anon’s Step 8

Al Anon’s Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

It helped me to approach this step by using some of the techniques outlined in the Step Eight chapter of Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon’sSteps, Traditions and Concepts.To work Step 8 I first consulted my list of character defects from Step 4. I found out that it was the best way to sort out if I had harmed somebody, but feeling shameful and guilty still had me later adding people that didn’t belong. 

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

Next I made a little chart showing the people closest to me and then went out to people that were not so close. Then, I made another little chart where I listed the names under the headings “Amends are possible”, “I do what I can do”, “People from the past” and “?”. The “?” was very long, but my sponsor helped me to see that some of those people were probably not harmed and some were too far in the distant past to agonize over.

I then took the names of the people closest to me and wrote notes for “How harmed?” and “Appropriate amends”. I know some people can’t approach how to do amends during this step, but I used my inventory and talked to my sponsor about it. Seeing a way to make the amends and having a plan for this helped me to become willing—it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.

Needless to say, all of this list making took a long time. At first I didn’t know who to put on it, aside from the people immediately closest to me, but then it seemed that everyone I ever knew ended up on it. During this process I learned to separate my ideas of shame from the genuine need to make amends. This is why so many people from elementary and middle school ended up on the list. I was also surprised that I could eliminate most names from the “I do what I can do” list because my sponsor helped me realize I was already trying to do the best that I could within the boundaries of those relationships. 

I also learned that being willing was also different than being obligated. I felt like a kid who’s mom makes them say they were sorry when they didn’t really mean it. But, after all of this sorting out I could understand my own behavior better and how it was harmful to others. Being willing didn’t happen overnight, but it did eventually happen for a lot of the people on my list of people closest to me. Now I know that if I have trouble making amends to someone else I can take my time and wait until I am truly willing. Not only will I better understand why I did things, but my amends will be genuine and I will be able to more easily settle my mind.

A Good Evening

So, my boyfriend picked me up for our Wal*Mart trip and I was so happy to see him. I just felt happy and grateful for him after hashing out all that stuff in my writing this afternoon. I think, also, I feel great because I resolved some things for myself.

(photo by Lorenzo S.)

I did say to him that I wanted a chance to talk about the issue I wanted to make amends on, but without saying I wanted to make amends. I said I would like to talk about it when we had some time and he felt comfortable discussing it. He got a bit uptight and said it wasn't as big an issue as I seemed to think it was. Earlier today he made it sound like an unlivable situation--something that might eventually separate us. So, he's clearly uncomfortable about it but I told him it was hard for me even if he didn't think it was hard for him. Then I let it go because I do want to catch him at a better moment and not have it end up as a car fight.

Anyway, I was just happy to be with him. It was a pretty evening and because of traffic he took the back way, which is quite woodsy. We had the windows open and could smell the greenery on the cool end of summer air. It was a nice ending to a day that was a bit emotional for me.