Al-Anon's Step 11

Al-Anon's Step 11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Sometimes I think of this as my favorite step, and many times it looms large in my mind as one I am consciously working on. However, going through my notebooks I realized that I have not been to very many meetings on Step 11. I procrastinated in writing on this step as I have gone through a lot lately and writing about how I work this step is almost too personal to share at this time. But, I will write about how I got into it.

(Photo by Selma Yalazi.)

I was not excited about the “prayer” part of this step in the beginning because I had some issues with the religion of my origin. I thought of prayer as an obligatory thing, and so when I did it I rarely felt a connection with God. The idea of meditation was, and still is, more accessible to me. To get used to talking to my Higher Power on an intimate basis I had to learn to be quiet so I could tune in to the messages I was supposed to receive. I learned that I should not pray for others or for a specific cause, but to ask for guidance in my situation. Then, I had to accept how my Higher Power resolved my problems, which may not be the way I intended. I have to be confident that my Higher Power will take care of my loved ones and myself and that things will work out, even if I don't know how.

Learning to meditate had been a big part of my Al Anon experience. For most of my life I could not imagine sitting still and clearing my mind for even three seconds.  I found yoga invaluable for calming my mind for mediation as I could work out the compulsion to always be doing or thinking about something and instead focus on the class. (I have heard is the original purpose of the yoga poses – to quiet your mind and to focus on meditation.) Part of the reason I began taking yoga classes is that I knew that there was meditation included in the class, and I had no idea of how to do meditation on my own. I knew I needed someone else to guide me. It is only in recent months that I began doing meditation on my own. 

I tried a number of different ways to learn meditation outside of Al Anon and yoga. Once, a Buddhist monk led a meditation workshop at the local library, and that helped a lot. At that time I was not yet practicing yoga and the monk helped us to learn how to just sit in a regular chair and meditate. He said for us to simply sit upright, place our feet flat on the floor, and rest our hands in our lap. (I mention this because an Al-Anon friend injured himself trying to meditate. He thought you had to meditate while sitting cross legged on the floor, but he did not realize that at his age he was no longer physically able to do so.)

I did not get much out of reading books on the subject, even though I am a big reader and love to learn "how to" from books. It seemed to me that books were full of quick novelty exercises while what I needed was just to listen to someone else guide me. I found a couple of web sites with recorded meditations on them, and YouTube had plenty. (Alas, my favorite night time sleep meditation from that time has been removed.) I also like the evening meditation from the DVD AM and PM Meditation featuring Rodney Yee and Maritza. I would put it on my bedroom TV, skip the yoga part (because I have my own practice, but it is not necessary to use the yoga part to do the meditation) and use it to get to sleep at night.

I had a big breakthrough when I followed the Yoga JournalMediation Revolution series.  (I wrote about my experiences as I was going through them, so see this tag on meditation for all of the entries. As with the DVD, I had my own yoga practice and skipped that, using only the recording at the bottom of the page.) It took me a couple of months to get through the whole series, and it was hard, but I grew tremendously from it. I use techniques from the Great Heart meditation when I need to feel connected to my HP. In fact, the whole series made me more independent in my meditation and I can now sit quietly and meditate on my own, using my own intuition instead of a recording.

These days, at night before I go to bed I do some kind of relaxation yoga practice and then sit quietly in bed and meditate. This helps wind me down so I can sleep, no matter what is going on in my life at the moment. I feel that I have been working Step 11 hard over the past few months, but now I am reaping great rewards from it.

28 Days of Meditation - Week 4

My recent experiences with meditation seem to me to be too emotional and personal to write about, but I did want to share a few things. Last week I finally finished the last week of Yoga Journal’s Meditation Revolution. This series really came together for me with this meditation and I feel that I “get” it more and can see where to use this in daily life.

(Photo by Lily Rosen.)

The focus for week four is the Great Heart. The Day 22 email describes this as “the spaciousness you enter when you move your attention into the back body”. At first I was confused, and thought it was a good idea that I had spent the summer doing back openers in yoga. But, I soon realized that the Great Heart is a Higher Power and the meditation was an intense new connection. I felt this so strongly that I cried through the meditation for most of the days that I did it.  I was having a rough week and doing the meditation first thing in the day helped me feel strong and protected. Also, when thinking of myself as a conduit for my Higher Power I finally felt the energy the emails said I was supposed to feel.

My main goal for the meditation that week was to reduce obsessive thinking. Because of certain things going on, I really, really, really needed that. The meditation gave me tools to use in the outside world. Putting aside thoughts of people is like putting them aside in meditation – observing them and then moving on. Not waiting for the other shoe to drop but saying “I will deal with it if it arises and not bother about it until then.” I was able to do this a few times this week, and while it was a struggle it really helped. 

If you're wondering what happened in Week 3, I tacked it on to the end of the entry called Outdoor Meditation. 

Outdoor Meditation

I've been relying a lot on meditation lately. A situation has come up with another person in my neighborhood that I refuse to bite into. However, this is quite a struggle and if I don't watch it, I can get into obsessive thinking. If I can't sleep at night because of this I just put in one of my meditation DVDs, even if I have to play it more than once.  

My meditation spot at Bull Run.

Part of my personal lesson this week is to go on with my life even if other people are trying to turn it upside down. This is all part of restoring myself to sanity, another concept I've been working on. I didn't want to go out of town, but I decided to go with my boyfriend to Mananas, VA for a family party and a visit to the Bull Run battlefield. I'm glad I went because it was a nice rest and nothing happened at home while I was gone. I did get some time to meditate as my boyfriend wanted to spread a blanket out in the grass at Bull Run and nap before we headed to the party. It was my first time doing meditation outdoors and it was a sublime experience. It is amazing how much I heard of nature when I was listening to "nothing".

So, I have been working at meditation even though, according to my notes, it took me 40 days to complete week 3 of Yoga Journal's Meditation Revolution. I don't know why, but I just didn't warm up to that week's meditation. I did get some useful things out of it.

In my last post about this series I mentioned I had trouble with the breathing. This has gotten better since I've been practicing on my own. I still struggle with the idea of meditation creating energy, but I put that on the back burner, figuring that I would just understand it in time. The Yoga Journal email for day 21 mentions that thoughts are energy. Well, that seems obvious, but a good reminder for me right now since I am trying not to waste energy with obsessive thinking.

Ooooo…I See Colors!

Well, I can’t say I fell off the meditation wagon, but I took another “break” from Yoga Journal’s 28 Days of Meditation.  I don’t know why I am so balky about this but I went and looked at the notes from the last few days I did it. I seemed to be having trouble with the breathing exercise in that week’s recording and I was puzzled by the lack of energy, which the speaker on the audio file says I should feel at the end.

I also ran into problems sitting because I don’t like sitting in my desk chair to meditate and my headphone cords are not long enough to reach the floor. The wifi on my laptop is not working or I could find a more comfortable seat.

(Photo by Ivan Prole.)

The breathing exercise that week involved inhaling; pausing, inhaling, pausing, inhaling, pausing and then a long exhale. This actually hurt my upper chest. (I have a touch of arthritis there.) This exercise has since resurfaced in my yoga practice, so hopefully I will get over it soon. Though, the breath work I did during the first couple of weeks is very simple and I find myself using it in daily life and during other meditation.

And, yes, I think I’ve found a way of meditation practice that works for me. I intend to finish the Yoga Journal email workshop because I’ve learned so much from it already, but I now realize that it takes a lot of concentration and intellectual work for me to do the meditations in the series. I realize that now I have to “Keep it simple”.

One stressful night recently I was seeking the comfort of meditation but I didn’t want to do all of that work. So, I busted out a Rodney Yee AM/PM meditation DVD and put it on my bedroom TV, where I can sit cross-legged in bed. I skipped over the yoga part, since I had already done my regular practice for the evening and just listened, but I used the simple breathing I learned from the Yoga Journal series. This was very relaxing for me and I have been doing this often over the past couple of weeks and has helped me get to sleep after a long day of stress. I’ve even ordered some other guided meditation DVDs.

One thing that interested and surprised me is that I experience the odd area between sleep and waking. I only had this in meditation once before in my life, when I took a restorative yoga class and the teacher led us through an hour long guided meditation. I was delighted to see unusual and very colorful images as I got deeper into meditation. My favorite was the time I started to visualize that I was traveling down a dirt country road in Virginia. I don’t even know if this road exists, but it was cool. I really like this part of meditation and I hope to do this more often. AS an artist, I find the visual image fascinating and I am amazed at what my own mind comes up with when I relinquish control over it.

I have to tell you, this impressed the heck out of my boyfriend. He spent most of his adult life using drugs to achieve the same thing. Interestingly, seeing colorful imagery is part of his "Why people should do drugs" argument. He thinks that, as an artist, I'd get something out of it. He also maintains that I am "terribly sheltered" because I never did drugs. But hey--both of my parents were alcoholics and I had to deal with lots of behavior that was inappropriate around children. Because of what I've seen, I have no desire to get drunk or stoned.

28 Days of Meditation- Week 2 Part 2

Sure enough, when I got back from the beach (where I didn’t do any meditation) the Day 13 Meditation Revolution email talked about how to not let your meditation go off track on the weekend or during vacation. I had good intentions but completely derailed, though I did do it before we left on Friday. It felt good to get back to it, though.

(Photo by Juan Croatto.)

During the meditations this week when the speaker asks the listener to dedicate our meditation to someone else I thought of people I have trouble with. I tend to fall into obsessive thinking in these areas and this helped feel like it was a start towards healing. I tried to think of positive things about the person of the moment when asked to think of gratitude.

I am easily startled by any little noise sometimes and the mediation bell was startling me at the end. I concentrated on not reacting to the bell—practice for real life, when I need to respond, not react. Much to my surprise, I soon stopped reacting to the bell.

The Day 14 email invites the participant to “bring an attitude of discovery to your meditation”, which seems to address the problem I have of not figuring out how I feel. I decided to set that as my intention and it was easy to start with the physical rather than the emotional but I soon got weepy when I let my mind drift to something else.

28 Days of Meditation – Week 2, Part 1

I’m still plugging along with Meditation Revolution, (Yoga Journal’s latest email workshop). I took a break because I was away over the weekend and picked it up when I came back, but I wanted to write about some things I thought about before I left.

I discovered the meditation went better when I did it in the morning, as part of my usual routine of looking at and dealing with the day’s email. This helped me to not procrastinate and kept me on track better. Plus, I love getting little lessons or other perks in my email. I am always signing up for some sort of email-a-day program that prompts me to take some little action, because you know I wouldn’t do it on my own.

This week the meditations focus on mantras (this one uses Hamsa, if you’re curious). I find that helpful, because even if the word doesn’t mean anything to me it gives me something to focus my thinking on, instead of letting them run away.

(Photo by Jin Neoh.)

A couple of things I realize that I need to work on are setting an intention and assessing how I feel at the end. I’ve had intention come up in yoga meditation before and it leaves me absolutely puzzled. So far, I just try to think of something extremely simple, such as being calm or relaxing, both of which I have trouble with.

After the meditation is over the woman on the recording says to enjoy “the aftertaste of meditation”. I’m still thinking of what that may be for me, other than being glad it is over. I have trouble assessing myself after I finish, as the speaker asks the listener to do.  I know that suppressing my feelings is from a lifetime of living with alcoholics, but it is something I have to spotlight and continue to work on.

During the first week I skipped two days but this time I just saved the emails and am continuing where I left off.

The Benefit of all Beings

Week 2 of the 28 days of meditation (which is actually called Meditation Revolution) seems to be going better. I now do it in the morning as I get it in my email. Since I am just waking up I am still in a quiet phase.

(Photo by ldesign of stock.xchng.)

I never paid much attention to the notes in the daily emails because it seemed like tips I had heard before. Today I did read the Day 9 email and it mentioned how meditation mainly benefits us after it is over. In the week 2 recording the woman mentions using your practice "for the benefit of all beings" several times. At the end she invites the listener to offer your meditation for someone else.

I found that thinking briefly about someone in this way can be a way to focus on someone I need to improve my relationship with and extend some love and gratitude for having them in my life. It can be a way to work Al-Anon's Step 10, which is to review your recent actions and think of how to correct any problems.

Speaking of gratitude, an old favorite yoga DVD of mine asks the viewer at the end to touch your folded hands to your forehead and offer thanks for your yoga practice. I like that idea and have added it to the end of every yoga practice I do. It is a brief time for me to get in touch with my Higher Power and express a little gratitude instead of focusing on my problems.

28 Days of Meditation -- Week One

Al Anon's Step 11-- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

OK, so I didn't think I was working on Step 11 but it sort of snuck up on me. As I mentioned before, I started Yoga Journal's 28 days of meditation email series (Is that what you call these things?) and I just completed week one , so here is what I went through.

(photo bytung072 of stock.xchng.)

Most of the meditation I do normally is through yoga. I came to yoga about 4 or 5 months after I began Al-Anon and it has helped me tremendously because it seems that the ideas in both are similar. That is a whole 'nother post, but I could never sit still before I came to Al Anon. Starting with the physical activity of yoga and having a short meditation as part of the routine was the only way to calm my mind in the beginning. This spring I felt I was ready for more and I bought a meditation CD, but never really used it much. So, I signed up for the Yoga Journal thing and forgot about it until it started and I began getting the emails.

The first night was good, but the next night I didn't want to do it, even though I did. This is also where my resistance comes in. I could never really grasp the part about breathing in yoga and this is also important for meditation, and of course the first week in 28 Days is a breath meditation. On day 3 I decided that I was "bored" and also skipped day 4. I did pick it up again on day 5 and I made myself do it though, and I felt a bit more settled by day 7. Some days I did my regular yoga practice before beginning and other days I just started. That seemed to make no difference.

I liked some of the imagery in the week one breath meditation, such as imagining yourself inhaling and exhaling little particles of light. I remembered a previous meditation from somewhere else where I was asked to imagine inhaling light and exhaling toxic things. I did that at first for this one but then I didn't like the idea of myself filled with black toxic gas and went on with inhaling and exhaling little particles of blue and white light. That image has been useful to me over the week, as I tend to be a very visual person who finds blue and white very soothing.

What did I learn from week one? My yoga meditation is all about settling my body and mind. The key word here is settle. It took me  a few years of yoga just to do that and going deeper is a challenge.

Out of Sorts

I had actually forgotten that I was writing in this blog. I'm surprised that it has so many entries in it. But, I got back to it after looking up some Al-Anon blogs so I could get a fresher perspective on the program. I now want to return to writing here to help me figure some things out.

My Higher Power has been working me hard this summer but now I feel like I've come to a point where I am a bit burned out and I am not sure what to do next. I am under a lot of stress and find myself fighting with my boyfriend when he needs me most, which is most horrible. I am also out of sorts with my sponsor and in the back of my mind I want to find somebody else. But, that is not a priority at this point as I haven't had a chance to talk to her about my discomfort yet. 

(Photo by code1name of stock.xchng.)

A couple of things I'll go more into later, when I gather my thoughts better:

1.) What step am I on? I've been in Al Anon long enough to have done all the steps, but then I also think that opportunities to think about or work the steps occur regularly as they help maintain my daily life. Maybe this is because the easiest meetings for me to get to are step meetings. Anyway, it seems that Step 7 has been haunting me in recent meetings, so, even though I am resistant, I should take another look at that one. At the very least, it will keep me from being adrift in the program, which I fear may be happening.

2.) Service Opportunities (Step 12)- At the end of July I will be the speaker at a small meeting that I am fond of and the topic should loosely relate to (what else?) Step 7. I'm also responsible for setting the topic/sharing for an online group that I belong to in August. One way that my thinking has changed since I was in Al-Anon is that in the past I would have sweated over this and planned it down to the last degree. Now I just mull it over in the back of my mind and let my Higher Power guide me to the final topic almost at the last minute. I still make notes, both for my own step work and also because I am a terrible public speaker who forgets everything without notes.

3.) Meditation- I also just realized that Step 11 is coming in through the back door a bit as well. Last month I signed up for Yoga Journal's 28 day Meditation Revolution and then forgot about it until the emails began arriving last week. I'm giving it the old college try but, as usual, I am resistant so it is not easy. I'll mull over this in a future entry.

4.) Art and Writing- OK, the big main thing that I forgot about with this blog is my art and writing because I had intended to use this as a place to take things in a new direction. Now I feel I'm in a quiet resting phase with that but I will explain that more later.

The Artist's Way Check-in: Week 5

I appear to be stuck in week 5. At the beginning of the week I dwelled on some issues from week 4 and never got back to thinking about some of the exercises in week 5. Now, the end of the week is usually so busy that I know I won't get a chance to work on these things until the weekend, but we have our big fall Al Anon workshop this weekend, too. So, I'm going to be in a holding pattern and re-think week 5 and perhaps doing more of the exercises.

The chapter for week 5 is actually called "Recovering a Sense of Possibility."  I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the ideas of possibility for myself. I can't even think beyond today some times.

Yesterday I went to an Al Anon meeting and got a chance to talk about this a bit. I am totally stuck on "possibility". I often think that possibility is not for me but I have to work on opening up myself to it. A lot of this is tied into self worth. I have to think I am worth it before I can think that things are possible. This week I'm trying to simply think about possibility and meditate on it. I often have trouble with meditation but I am trying to work on that a little bit this week. I've listened to some meditations on YouTube as away to get some guidance. Here is a meditation on possibility. I don't agree with everything in the video but it gave me some good things to think about.