Choices and Al Anon

This is another post I sent to an online Al Anon group. I was very inspired by a speaker at a recent group. She happened to be a person I admire greatly in the program and I've been thinking about her talk all week.

(Photo by imelenchon of morgueFile.)

Last week I went to a great meeting where the speaker announced that she wanted to talk about choices. I sat there thinking that this was going to be about the "big stuff" --how to change my job, for starters. But, it was more about the little choices we make each day.

During my growing up years at home we had no choices--- we just did what we were told, like it or not. My alcoholic mother could be violent if we did not do what she wanted. At school it was all about choosing the right thing for our future, such as the right path of study that would get us into a good college and then into a good job. So, really, I was pressure to accept what someone else wanted and not even think about what I wanted.

Another thing about my growing up years was that our family always had money problems that were related to the alcoholism. I could not even choose what to wear or what to eat, because our family had to depend on what other people gave us. I always felt guarded around other people, and embarrassed about our situation. I could not even choose to let my own personality come out.

Later, in a relationship with an alcoholic, I let him direct what I wanted to do or I was afraid to say no to him. He was not violent, but because of my mother deep down inside I felt that all alcoholics would be moody and suddenly violent if provoked by the "wrong" thing. So, I knew Al Anon was for me when I read one of those lists of questions I came across in program literature. One question asked, "Do you believe external forces control you?" Yes-- I realized my whole life was about that.

In Al Anon I've learned that yes, I do have choices about what I do with my life, my time off, or even the next five minutes. I learned that "no" is a choice (and a complete sentence) and what other people think I should do with my time is only their opinion, not an order. I gained the courage to choose to not attend family gatherings where "toxic" people were present or decide that I want to take a break from being around someone who does not treat me respectfully. I also set boundaries with people who wanted to trample on my time-- I asked them to work with me to make reasonable plans beforehand and not expect me to drop everything at the last minute for what they wanted. These things were not easy for me to do but it was better for me in the long run because I did not have to make myself unhappy to satisfy someone else's wishes.