Sorting It All Out

I haven't posted in a bit because it has just been a strange week and I am still thinking over many things. I've been going to Al Anon meetings most days and it helps me to reconnect with people. I love these women-- they show up as if they are dressed for church or a luncheon even if they are feeling bad. I started doing that too, when I go to the meetings where I see them. It helps me to "Get up, suit up, show up" as my sponsor says, and part of "Fake it 'til you make it."

So, I worked things out with my sponsor and we kissed and made up. (I feel a little embarrassed about my previous entry on sponsor woes now, but it was something I was going through and I wanted to write about it.) Then we had a long lunch together where we talked about the mechanics of Boyfriend, his daughter and myself all attending Al Anon meetings at once.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

Boyfriend has a car and can go to any meeting he wants, Daughter and I don't and can't. He said that he would leave if she showed up at a meeting where he was. He seems to be afraid that she will complain about him in front of him and negatively point him out in front of others, as she sometimes does. 

I want to give Daughter her privacy but also be a friendly face for her. I haven't talked to her since her first meeting and so I don't know how she would feel to have me present. I don't think this would be a problem even though she lives near me because I work during the day and she doesn't. I will probably seldom see her in the rooms. I also don't want to talk to her about issues that I have with her father because I don't want to encourage any resentments.

It is hard to not think about all of this. An Al-Anon friend suggested that I invite people but then let go of the outcome. This is easier for me to say than to do because this is so personal. This is a chance to bond with Daughter, who clearly needs Al Anon. But, I know that being overbearing could scare her away. Boyfriend said that when she's called him (as she does daily) she has been better towards him. It is hard for me to not ask for any details. I don't know what she thought of the meeting or if she wants to keep coming back. I don't know if she has been to any meetings since then. In fact, I have decided that if I see her I should not talk about Al Anon unless she brings it up first so I don't sound too pushy.

Also, I mentioned before that Boyfriend and I attend an Adult Child focus Al Anon meeting together. We often see couples attend together and thought nothing of it. My sponsor suggested that we try not to do that as, technically, members of a couple are supposed to go to meetings as individuals. We both hate missing that meeting because it is the only one of its type in the area. Instead we are now just sitting in different parts of the room (it is a very large meeting). I sit with my sponsor and some women while he sits with some men. That seems to be a good solution for now.

The Newcomer

Oh, my...what a strange day.

I was the speaker at an Al-Anon meeting near where I live. I thought it would be no sweat because it is generally a small meeting (under 10 people) and I know all of them. I also invited my sponsor, since I am aware her recent crankiness is due to her being down and I wanted to reach out to her. I decided to talk about what I've learned about humility recently (which I will post about in another entry).

(Photo by Cheryl Empey.)

For the past couple of years I've been trying to gently invite my boyfriend's daughter to Al-Anon. She is a very difficult person to be around at times and after I joined Al Anon I could see myself in her. While I've been gentle in my approach to her I don't accept her bad behavior because I did the same things when I was young and I did them because I was affected by alcoholism.

Anyway, a good Al Anon person suggested that I just invite her to a meeting and let it go. I've been doing that for years but much to my surprise she walked in a few minutes after today's meeting started. I knew that once she got in the door she would be taken care of. I am grateful that my sponsor and another good Al-Anon friend reached out to her and made her feel welcome.

As for me, I was suddenly very nervous. To me, it seemed like the longest Al Anon meeting I've been to, except for my first one. Plus, since I was the speaker when people shared they thanked me for my lead and touched on my topic--I really hate being the center of attention, even if it is positive.

Boyfriend came to pick me up after the meeting. He had originally wanted to hear me speak but ended up having to do something he couldn't get out of. (Thank you Higher Power, for getting him out of my way.)

In the car afterwards Boyfriend acted like it was a major annoyance for me to have Daughter show up. (They ran into each other after the meeting.) Then, he asked me about her behavior, such as, was she fidgety or did she act out? We are talking about a 31 year old here!! I don't want to get involved in their relationship but one of the reasons I wanted to get her to Al Anon was that I am sad to see him so controlling of her and how treats her like a toddler. He also finds her very aggravating and every time we talk about spending time with her he talks about how she's going to be this messy, annoying, ill mannered blob. I didn't want to violate her privacy by talking in detail about how she was during the meeting, but I told him that she behaved like a normal person and that I hoped he would learn to trust her to behave like an adult in the future.

I am happy and grateful that Daughter was there. Even if she never comes back we got to bond a little and strengthen each other.

28 Days of Meditation- Week 2 Part 2

Sure enough, when I got back from the beach (where I didn’t do any meditation) the Day 13 Meditation Revolution email talked about how to not let your meditation go off track on the weekend or during vacation. I had good intentions but completely derailed, though I did do it before we left on Friday. It felt good to get back to it, though.

(Photo by Juan Croatto.)

During the meditations this week when the speaker asks the listener to dedicate our meditation to someone else I thought of people I have trouble with. I tend to fall into obsessive thinking in these areas and this helped feel like it was a start towards healing. I tried to think of positive things about the person of the moment when asked to think of gratitude.

I am easily startled by any little noise sometimes and the mediation bell was startling me at the end. I concentrated on not reacting to the bell—practice for real life, when I need to respond, not react. Much to my surprise, I soon stopped reacting to the bell.

The Day 14 email invites the participant to “bring an attitude of discovery to your meditation”, which seems to address the problem I have of not figuring out how I feel. I decided to set that as my intention and it was easy to start with the physical rather than the emotional but I soon got weepy when I let my mind drift to something else.

Anger

I'm getting back on track with Al-Anon. I've been going to a meeting a day and making an effort to say something at each meeting. I also had a long talk with my sponsor this afternoon and found that, surprisingly, we've been going through the same thing with the program lately.

But, what I would like to talk about today is anger. Yesterday I went to a meeting where they tarted off by reading the July 26 entry from the One Day at a Time in Al-Anon daily reader. The reading is about stopping to think instead of retaliating but most people chose to talk about anger--either being very angry or never being angry. I am one of those people who never lets anyone know I am angry.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

I have spent my life around people who got angry very easily over nothing--and many of those people were alcoholics. I considered anger to be something extreme and sick, especially since most of these people seemed angry all the time or were prone to violent flashes of rage. I did not want to appear to be angry.

The reading mentioned retaliation, but I was more afraid of retaliation from other people. I knew that if I expressed negative emotions, someone was sure to get back to me.Or, if it was someone I loved they would leave me.

Lately I've been having crazy flashes of anger at my boyfriend. Granted, it has been very, very hot and we both are very, very stressed. But, I also think I am beginning to feel more of my emotions after a few years in Al Anon. Also, I think I am now stronger and can be angry with him without fearing that he may leave me and I can resist him when he tries to convince me that my feelings are not justified.

I love my boyfriend, but he is an alcoholic and he can be manipulative. Often when I express a negative emotion he says that my feelings are "wrong" and gives me lectures about forgiveness (without actually asking for it) and then he badgers me to let go of the issue. That used to frustrate me but now I realize that he does not want to look at his own part in things so he puts pressure on me. I just be firm in telling him that my feelings are hurt, I have a right to think the way that I do and I have a right to be angry. I also tell him that I need to resolve the issue within myself and I can only let it go when I am ready to. Then, like I've also been taught in Al Anon, I let it go and am fine to let the alcoholic sit in his own discomfort.

Happy Little Trees

Even though I think of myself as an artist I've always had an irrational dislike of painting and drawing. I don't know why that is and I never fully examined it. I prefer things like printmaking, sculpture, or fibers. I always thought that I was somehow painting and drawing retarded.

(Bob Ross photo from Wikipedia.)

In art school I had a painting teacher that was pretty good. Though, he had issues with Bob Ross, the pleasant hippie who had a how-to painting show on PBS. Sometimes while we were working on our painting of the moment this teacher would rant and rail about Bob Ross and how he doesn't teach art but instead teaches something one step beyond paint by numbers. That is, anyone can make a painting if they just follow what Bob Ross does and there is no creativity involved.I've had other teachers make fun of Bob Ross in class, but this guy really couldn't let it go.

At the time I thought it was funny and went along with it, because the teacher did have a point.Though, now I realize it is up to the individual and once you paint a Happy Little Tree (as he called them) you can take those skills and do something else with them.

I grew up watching Bob Ross and my brother and I always joked  about his approach.This morning I saw a fun tribute remix that PBS posted and I watched it. I realized that the main thing about Bob Ross is that he is happy, he loves his art, and he is easygoing about his work. Make a mistake? Don't worry, just take your paint brush and turn it into something else. Enjoy what you are doing. This philosophy is the complete opposite of what I've experienced in the art world--you must have passion and conviction and drive and give what you are doing great importance. I don't care about that anymore. Maybe now is the time in my life to visit the "Easy does it" ideas of Bob Ross.

Also, for your viewing pleasure, the PBS remix.

28 Days of Meditation – Week 2, Part 1

I’m still plugging along with Meditation Revolution, (Yoga Journal’s latest email workshop). I took a break because I was away over the weekend and picked it up when I came back, but I wanted to write about some things I thought about before I left.

I discovered the meditation went better when I did it in the morning, as part of my usual routine of looking at and dealing with the day’s email. This helped me to not procrastinate and kept me on track better. Plus, I love getting little lessons or other perks in my email. I am always signing up for some sort of email-a-day program that prompts me to take some little action, because you know I wouldn’t do it on my own.

This week the meditations focus on mantras (this one uses Hamsa, if you’re curious). I find that helpful, because even if the word doesn’t mean anything to me it gives me something to focus my thinking on, instead of letting them run away.

(Photo by Jin Neoh.)

A couple of things I realize that I need to work on are setting an intention and assessing how I feel at the end. I’ve had intention come up in yoga meditation before and it leaves me absolutely puzzled. So far, I just try to think of something extremely simple, such as being calm or relaxing, both of which I have trouble with.

After the meditation is over the woman on the recording says to enjoy “the aftertaste of meditation”. I’m still thinking of what that may be for me, other than being glad it is over. I have trouble assessing myself after I finish, as the speaker asks the listener to do.  I know that suppressing my feelings is from a lifetime of living with alcoholics, but it is something I have to spotlight and continue to work on.

During the first week I skipped two days but this time I just saved the emails and am continuing where I left off.

Al-Anon’s Tradition 7

Al-Anon’s Tradition 7 - Every group ought to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Over the weekend I was looking through my notebooks for some ideas I wrote down during different Al Anon meetings about Tradition 7. In this tradition are the obvious points—that Al Anon members should contribute to keep the meetings running without having to take from anyone who could compromise the recovery of the group members. But, I also found a few notes that related directly to my personal situation as of late.

(Photo by Paola Viveiros.)

As I’ve mentioned in recent posts, I know that I tend to become too emotionally dependent on my boyfriend. I was looking over the chapter on Tradition 7 in Paths to Recovery. In the “Member’s Share” section (p. 198 of the 1997 edition) an Al Anon member wrote, “I need to be self supporting socially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I can not depend on another person for my happiness.”  That rings true to me lately. Even though I am an adult and would never consciously try to make someone make me happy, I realize that when I am not willing to use my own skills I depend on someone else to give me an unreasonable amount of support.

Lately I have been going backwards a bit. This dissatisfaction I have with my sponsor and my former home group is pulling me down. However I have a break from this hectic summer coming up and I think that when I get this breather it will be a nice time to take stock. If the people around me cannot emotionally support me in the way that I demand I have to pull back and think of more constructive ways to do things. If finding a new sponsor is too overwhelming for me at this time I can talk to other members who have reached out for me.

Notice that I say that I can, not that I will. This stuff is often a lot harder than it looks, especially since I can be so resistant to change. Other observations in my Al Anon notebooks mention, “trusting yourself” and “protecting our spiritual growth”.  Because I grew up with alcoholic parents I didn’t learn to do any of these things. Being too heavily dependent on one person can stop me from seeing other viewpoints that may help me and I won’t trust myself to make a decent decision. While money is often focused on for tradition 7 (and rightly so as it is an important issue) I choose to see it as relating to my emotional independence.