The Newcomer

Oh, my...what a strange day.

I was the speaker at an Al-Anon meeting near where I live. I thought it would be no sweat because it is generally a small meeting (under 10 people) and I know all of them. I also invited my sponsor, since I am aware her recent crankiness is due to her being down and I wanted to reach out to her. I decided to talk about what I've learned about humility recently (which I will post about in another entry).

(Photo by Cheryl Empey.)

For the past couple of years I've been trying to gently invite my boyfriend's daughter to Al-Anon. She is a very difficult person to be around at times and after I joined Al Anon I could see myself in her. While I've been gentle in my approach to her I don't accept her bad behavior because I did the same things when I was young and I did them because I was affected by alcoholism.

Anyway, a good Al Anon person suggested that I just invite her to a meeting and let it go. I've been doing that for years but much to my surprise she walked in a few minutes after today's meeting started. I knew that once she got in the door she would be taken care of. I am grateful that my sponsor and another good Al-Anon friend reached out to her and made her feel welcome.

As for me, I was suddenly very nervous. To me, it seemed like the longest Al Anon meeting I've been to, except for my first one. Plus, since I was the speaker when people shared they thanked me for my lead and touched on my topic--I really hate being the center of attention, even if it is positive.

Boyfriend came to pick me up after the meeting. He had originally wanted to hear me speak but ended up having to do something he couldn't get out of. (Thank you Higher Power, for getting him out of my way.)

In the car afterwards Boyfriend acted like it was a major annoyance for me to have Daughter show up. (They ran into each other after the meeting.) Then, he asked me about her behavior, such as, was she fidgety or did she act out? We are talking about a 31 year old here!! I don't want to get involved in their relationship but one of the reasons I wanted to get her to Al Anon was that I am sad to see him so controlling of her and how treats her like a toddler. He also finds her very aggravating and every time we talk about spending time with her he talks about how she's going to be this messy, annoying, ill mannered blob. I didn't want to violate her privacy by talking in detail about how she was during the meeting, but I told him that she behaved like a normal person and that I hoped he would learn to trust her to behave like an adult in the future.

I am happy and grateful that Daughter was there. Even if she never comes back we got to bond a little and strengthen each other.

28 Days of Meditation- Week 2 Part 2

Sure enough, when I got back from the beach (where I didn’t do any meditation) the Day 13 Meditation Revolution email talked about how to not let your meditation go off track on the weekend or during vacation. I had good intentions but completely derailed, though I did do it before we left on Friday. It felt good to get back to it, though.

(Photo by Juan Croatto.)

During the meditations this week when the speaker asks the listener to dedicate our meditation to someone else I thought of people I have trouble with. I tend to fall into obsessive thinking in these areas and this helped feel like it was a start towards healing. I tried to think of positive things about the person of the moment when asked to think of gratitude.

I am easily startled by any little noise sometimes and the mediation bell was startling me at the end. I concentrated on not reacting to the bell—practice for real life, when I need to respond, not react. Much to my surprise, I soon stopped reacting to the bell.

The Day 14 email invites the participant to “bring an attitude of discovery to your meditation”, which seems to address the problem I have of not figuring out how I feel. I decided to set that as my intention and it was easy to start with the physical rather than the emotional but I soon got weepy when I let my mind drift to something else.

Anger

I'm getting back on track with Al-Anon. I've been going to a meeting a day and making an effort to say something at each meeting. I also had a long talk with my sponsor this afternoon and found that, surprisingly, we've been going through the same thing with the program lately.

But, what I would like to talk about today is anger. Yesterday I went to a meeting where they tarted off by reading the July 26 entry from the One Day at a Time in Al-Anon daily reader. The reading is about stopping to think instead of retaliating but most people chose to talk about anger--either being very angry or never being angry. I am one of those people who never lets anyone know I am angry.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

I have spent my life around people who got angry very easily over nothing--and many of those people were alcoholics. I considered anger to be something extreme and sick, especially since most of these people seemed angry all the time or were prone to violent flashes of rage. I did not want to appear to be angry.

The reading mentioned retaliation, but I was more afraid of retaliation from other people. I knew that if I expressed negative emotions, someone was sure to get back to me.Or, if it was someone I loved they would leave me.

Lately I've been having crazy flashes of anger at my boyfriend. Granted, it has been very, very hot and we both are very, very stressed. But, I also think I am beginning to feel more of my emotions after a few years in Al Anon. Also, I think I am now stronger and can be angry with him without fearing that he may leave me and I can resist him when he tries to convince me that my feelings are not justified.

I love my boyfriend, but he is an alcoholic and he can be manipulative. Often when I express a negative emotion he says that my feelings are "wrong" and gives me lectures about forgiveness (without actually asking for it) and then he badgers me to let go of the issue. That used to frustrate me but now I realize that he does not want to look at his own part in things so he puts pressure on me. I just be firm in telling him that my feelings are hurt, I have a right to think the way that I do and I have a right to be angry. I also tell him that I need to resolve the issue within myself and I can only let it go when I am ready to. Then, like I've also been taught in Al Anon, I let it go and am fine to let the alcoholic sit in his own discomfort.

Happy Little Trees

Even though I think of myself as an artist I've always had an irrational dislike of painting and drawing. I don't know why that is and I never fully examined it. I prefer things like printmaking, sculpture, or fibers. I always thought that I was somehow painting and drawing retarded.

(Bob Ross photo from Wikipedia.)

In art school I had a painting teacher that was pretty good. Though, he had issues with Bob Ross, the pleasant hippie who had a how-to painting show on PBS. Sometimes while we were working on our painting of the moment this teacher would rant and rail about Bob Ross and how he doesn't teach art but instead teaches something one step beyond paint by numbers. That is, anyone can make a painting if they just follow what Bob Ross does and there is no creativity involved.I've had other teachers make fun of Bob Ross in class, but this guy really couldn't let it go.

At the time I thought it was funny and went along with it, because the teacher did have a point.Though, now I realize it is up to the individual and once you paint a Happy Little Tree (as he called them) you can take those skills and do something else with them.

I grew up watching Bob Ross and my brother and I always joked  about his approach.This morning I saw a fun tribute remix that PBS posted and I watched it. I realized that the main thing about Bob Ross is that he is happy, he loves his art, and he is easygoing about his work. Make a mistake? Don't worry, just take your paint brush and turn it into something else. Enjoy what you are doing. This philosophy is the complete opposite of what I've experienced in the art world--you must have passion and conviction and drive and give what you are doing great importance. I don't care about that anymore. Maybe now is the time in my life to visit the "Easy does it" ideas of Bob Ross.

Also, for your viewing pleasure, the PBS remix.

28 Days of Meditation – Week 2, Part 1

I’m still plugging along with Meditation Revolution, (Yoga Journal’s latest email workshop). I took a break because I was away over the weekend and picked it up when I came back, but I wanted to write about some things I thought about before I left.

I discovered the meditation went better when I did it in the morning, as part of my usual routine of looking at and dealing with the day’s email. This helped me to not procrastinate and kept me on track better. Plus, I love getting little lessons or other perks in my email. I am always signing up for some sort of email-a-day program that prompts me to take some little action, because you know I wouldn’t do it on my own.

This week the meditations focus on mantras (this one uses Hamsa, if you’re curious). I find that helpful, because even if the word doesn’t mean anything to me it gives me something to focus my thinking on, instead of letting them run away.

(Photo by Jin Neoh.)

A couple of things I realize that I need to work on are setting an intention and assessing how I feel at the end. I’ve had intention come up in yoga meditation before and it leaves me absolutely puzzled. So far, I just try to think of something extremely simple, such as being calm or relaxing, both of which I have trouble with.

After the meditation is over the woman on the recording says to enjoy “the aftertaste of meditation”. I’m still thinking of what that may be for me, other than being glad it is over. I have trouble assessing myself after I finish, as the speaker asks the listener to do.  I know that suppressing my feelings is from a lifetime of living with alcoholics, but it is something I have to spotlight and continue to work on.

During the first week I skipped two days but this time I just saved the emails and am continuing where I left off.

Al-Anon’s Tradition 7

Al-Anon’s Tradition 7 - Every group ought to be self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Over the weekend I was looking through my notebooks for some ideas I wrote down during different Al Anon meetings about Tradition 7. In this tradition are the obvious points—that Al Anon members should contribute to keep the meetings running without having to take from anyone who could compromise the recovery of the group members. But, I also found a few notes that related directly to my personal situation as of late.

(Photo by Paola Viveiros.)

As I’ve mentioned in recent posts, I know that I tend to become too emotionally dependent on my boyfriend. I was looking over the chapter on Tradition 7 in Paths to Recovery. In the “Member’s Share” section (p. 198 of the 1997 edition) an Al Anon member wrote, “I need to be self supporting socially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically. I can not depend on another person for my happiness.”  That rings true to me lately. Even though I am an adult and would never consciously try to make someone make me happy, I realize that when I am not willing to use my own skills I depend on someone else to give me an unreasonable amount of support.

Lately I have been going backwards a bit. This dissatisfaction I have with my sponsor and my former home group is pulling me down. However I have a break from this hectic summer coming up and I think that when I get this breather it will be a nice time to take stock. If the people around me cannot emotionally support me in the way that I demand I have to pull back and think of more constructive ways to do things. If finding a new sponsor is too overwhelming for me at this time I can talk to other members who have reached out for me.

Notice that I say that I can, not that I will. This stuff is often a lot harder than it looks, especially since I can be so resistant to change. Other observations in my Al Anon notebooks mention, “trusting yourself” and “protecting our spiritual growth”.  Because I grew up with alcoholic parents I didn’t learn to do any of these things. Being too heavily dependent on one person can stop me from seeing other viewpoints that may help me and I won’t trust myself to make a decent decision. While money is often focused on for tradition 7 (and rightly so as it is an important issue) I choose to see it as relating to my emotional independence.  

Accepting Others' Limitations

One of the early lessons I learned in Al-Anon (and one of my chronic problems, really) is that I shouldn't put all of my emotional eggs in the alcoholic's basket. I have to accept that my boyfriend is limited and he is doing the best he can with what he has. I realize that when I am heavily depending on my boyfriend to meet all of my emotional needs I need to do some sort of self examination.

(Photo by Nate Brelsford.)

Part of the reason I am depending on him so much is that I feel I am not clicking with my sponsor. The past few weeks she has also been rather grumpy towards me and it is a challenge for me to call her. So, I've been avoiding her. Since Step 7 seems to be everywhere I am these days I thought I should work on the "humility" part of that step and give her a call, even though I didn't want to.

I didn't go to the Al Anon meeting where I usually see her on Saturday because I had a headache. My boyfriend went alone. When I talked to her she assumed that I wasn't there because I was "emotionally overwrought", which meant that I think she thinks I am some kind of dramatic teenager. I got a little grumpy and said that no, I was sick and just because Boyfriend and I don't show up at the same meeting every time, it doesn't mean we are having problems. (Normally I go to about 1-2 other meetings a week without him, in my own neighborhood. Most people in those meetings don't know him.) She backed off and was a little nicer. I think one of my problems is I need to try and be a little more assertive in talking about what I need to talk about instead of letting her assume and then getting mad about it.

A little later in the conversation I talked about how Boyfriend and I seemed to dependent on each other lately because we are both having problems and need each other so much. I said, "I feel like we are tied together with a rope and are each pulling the other through a swamp." She talked about relationships a bit and then said, "Well, I don't know because I had the best husband and we didn't often argue."

This was  a big light bulb moment for me. Her father was an alcoholic, her son was one but her husband was not an alcoholic. In Al-Anon we try to see similarities in other people's stories because no matter who is the alcoholic, there are common issues. But, she was romantically paired with a "normal" man and I have an alcoholic. As hard as she tries, she may not be able to totally see my position, the same way I know I can't fully understand her relationship with her alcoholic son, as I have no kids. Like with my boyfriend, I have to accept that she is doing the best that she can with what she has and let it go at that.

Sponsor Woes

So, the other night I was telling my boyfriend that I had revived my blog and we had an interesting discussion about why an Al-Anon or AA member would have a blog. He seems to think that this violates the traditions in some way. I let him know that if it is anonymous and the blogger makes clear that this is his/her personal opinion and not the official opinion of the program, it can be quite beneficial. I told him that I could spread out and write more about my feelings and also talk about things that I probably wouldn't talk about in a meeting. For example, my feelings about my sponsor.

(Photo by ilco of stock.xchng.)

As I mentioned before I feel that I need to find a new Al Anon sponsor. I am not comfortable with how she handles things. I feel like when I call her I must be on the defensive because she always assumes that I am not behaving properly towards my boyfriend even though I haven't yet told her  a thing. She also assumes that I am having a problem with him, even though I have several alcoholics in my life. One of the main complications is that she is friends with both my boyfriend and myself. He is a double winner and we often attend the same adult child oriented Al Anon meeting, of which my sponsor is my longtime member. (A group that I used to consider my home group -- but more about that another day. I do go to a couple of meetings a week alone, where few people know him.) Often when I call her she wants to talk only about him and his moods but not about me. I feel like I am in his shadow in so many ways with both her and that particular group. She is also often worried about his drinking again. I think that this is counter-intuitive to the Al Anon program and as part of my program I have to trust him--it doesn't help that she brings it up so much.

While I was reading an excellent blog by an AA member they spoke about being "fired" by a sponsee. So, I Googled something like "fire your sponsor" and got a post from the blog Through an Al-Anon Filter called "I Feel Like My Sponsor Judges Me". Wow, this post really hit me head on. Even though I still attend meetings regularly I feel estranged from Al-Anon these days. This is why I've turned to the internet and blogging again. I really just want to talk to people who don't know who I am and won't judge me based on my relationship with one particular alcoholic.

The Benefit of all Beings

Week 2 of the 28 days of meditation (which is actually called Meditation Revolution) seems to be going better. I now do it in the morning as I get it in my email. Since I am just waking up I am still in a quiet phase.

(Photo by ldesign of stock.xchng.)

I never paid much attention to the notes in the daily emails because it seemed like tips I had heard before. Today I did read the Day 9 email and it mentioned how meditation mainly benefits us after it is over. In the week 2 recording the woman mentions using your practice "for the benefit of all beings" several times. At the end she invites the listener to offer your meditation for someone else.

I found that thinking briefly about someone in this way can be a way to focus on someone I need to improve my relationship with and extend some love and gratitude for having them in my life. It can be a way to work Al-Anon's Step 10, which is to review your recent actions and think of how to correct any problems.

Speaking of gratitude, an old favorite yoga DVD of mine asks the viewer at the end to touch your folded hands to your forehead and offer thanks for your yoga practice. I like that idea and have added it to the end of every yoga practice I do. It is a brief time for me to get in touch with my Higher Power and express a little gratitude instead of focusing on my problems.

28 Days of Meditation -- Week One

Al Anon's Step 11-- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

OK, so I didn't think I was working on Step 11 but it sort of snuck up on me. As I mentioned before, I started Yoga Journal's 28 days of meditation email series (Is that what you call these things?) and I just completed week one , so here is what I went through.

(photo bytung072 of stock.xchng.)

Most of the meditation I do normally is through yoga. I came to yoga about 4 or 5 months after I began Al-Anon and it has helped me tremendously because it seems that the ideas in both are similar. That is a whole 'nother post, but I could never sit still before I came to Al Anon. Starting with the physical activity of yoga and having a short meditation as part of the routine was the only way to calm my mind in the beginning. This spring I felt I was ready for more and I bought a meditation CD, but never really used it much. So, I signed up for the Yoga Journal thing and forgot about it until it started and I began getting the emails.

The first night was good, but the next night I didn't want to do it, even though I did. This is also where my resistance comes in. I could never really grasp the part about breathing in yoga and this is also important for meditation, and of course the first week in 28 Days is a breath meditation. On day 3 I decided that I was "bored" and also skipped day 4. I did pick it up again on day 5 and I made myself do it though, and I felt a bit more settled by day 7. Some days I did my regular yoga practice before beginning and other days I just started. That seemed to make no difference.

I liked some of the imagery in the week one breath meditation, such as imagining yourself inhaling and exhaling little particles of light. I remembered a previous meditation from somewhere else where I was asked to imagine inhaling light and exhaling toxic things. I did that at first for this one but then I didn't like the idea of myself filled with black toxic gas and went on with inhaling and exhaling little particles of blue and white light. That image has been useful to me over the week, as I tend to be a very visual person who finds blue and white very soothing.

What did I learn from week one? My yoga meditation is all about settling my body and mind. The key word here is settle. It took me  a few years of yoga just to do that and going deeper is a challenge.

Out of Sorts

I had actually forgotten that I was writing in this blog. I'm surprised that it has so many entries in it. But, I got back to it after looking up some Al-Anon blogs so I could get a fresher perspective on the program. I now want to return to writing here to help me figure some things out.

My Higher Power has been working me hard this summer but now I feel like I've come to a point where I am a bit burned out and I am not sure what to do next. I am under a lot of stress and find myself fighting with my boyfriend when he needs me most, which is most horrible. I am also out of sorts with my sponsor and in the back of my mind I want to find somebody else. But, that is not a priority at this point as I haven't had a chance to talk to her about my discomfort yet. 

(Photo by code1name of stock.xchng.)

A couple of things I'll go more into later, when I gather my thoughts better:

1.) What step am I on? I've been in Al Anon long enough to have done all the steps, but then I also think that opportunities to think about or work the steps occur regularly as they help maintain my daily life. Maybe this is because the easiest meetings for me to get to are step meetings. Anyway, it seems that Step 7 has been haunting me in recent meetings, so, even though I am resistant, I should take another look at that one. At the very least, it will keep me from being adrift in the program, which I fear may be happening.

2.) Service Opportunities (Step 12)- At the end of July I will be the speaker at a small meeting that I am fond of and the topic should loosely relate to (what else?) Step 7. I'm also responsible for setting the topic/sharing for an online group that I belong to in August. One way that my thinking has changed since I was in Al-Anon is that in the past I would have sweated over this and planned it down to the last degree. Now I just mull it over in the back of my mind and let my Higher Power guide me to the final topic almost at the last minute. I still make notes, both for my own step work and also because I am a terrible public speaker who forgets everything without notes.

3.) Meditation- I also just realized that Step 11 is coming in through the back door a bit as well. Last month I signed up for Yoga Journal's 28 day Meditation Revolution and then forgot about it until the emails began arriving last week. I'm giving it the old college try but, as usual, I am resistant so it is not easy. I'll mull over this in a future entry.

4.) Art and Writing- OK, the big main thing that I forgot about with this blog is my art and writing because I had intended to use this as a place to take things in a new direction. Now I feel I'm in a quiet resting phase with that but I will explain that more later.