Al Anon's Tradition 6

Al Anon's tradition 6: Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance, or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should co-operate with Alcoholics Anonymous. 

This entry gets a bit off topic for Tradition 6, but it got me thinking of how we use the traditions to keep the focus on ourselves. The first part of this tradition always seemed rather straightforward to me, but one of the things I wondered about with this tradition is the idea of "cooperating with AA". I guessed it was about the occasional get togethers our groups had on holidays where we got both the AA and Al Anon groups together for one big party. I didn't think much beyond that, but now I realize we must respect the alcoholic and other AA members, while realizing we are still a separate entity.

(Photo by Joana Croft.)

I think the key word in this tradition is "cooperate". We can't join or mix AA and Al Anon groups because we must each remain individual groups. I was told that we do not have AA literature at our meetings because some members use it to focus on what they think the alcoholic should be reading or doing and not focusing on themselves. We need to detach, remain independent and focus on ourselves.

Al Anon has some specific guidelines for members who also belong to other 12 step programs because it would be too easy to allow "outside issues" to override Al Anon focused talk. Even at the combined Al Anon/AA  holiday parties I've noticed that the AA members tend to dominate the sharing. I can see how an Al Anon group could easily loose its identity in such a situation.  I go to a couple of different Al Anon groups where there are AA meetings are going on at the same time and in the same building. Often these members come into our group and, not knowing how else to do it, begin talking about their own alcoholism.  We voted to have a statement read in the beginning asking members of other 12 step programs to refrain from discussing those programs. 

 We also must respect the alcoholic by not getting involved with what is going on at his or her meetings and not invading his or her privacy when it comes to how they work the program in their way. Sometimes we may think they are not doing it the "right" way, but they have their own way of doing things, just like we have ours. 



 

Al Anon's Step 6

Al Anon's Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 

So, what is "ready"? When I first came to Al Anon I was a little afraid of this step. Of course, I was still thinking that outside forces controlled me, and that something or someone else would decide when I was ready. I've since found that step 6 just happens and it is instinctual. When holding on to a character defect becomes more difficult  than anything else, I know I am ready. But, it is only with what I've learned in the years of working the Al Anon program that makes me see how a defect is harmful and understand that it should go. Once I accept my defects through working the previous steps, I can work on letting it go. 

Working this step depends on our relationships with ourselves and our Higher Power. In my notes from Al Anon meetings, I have one that reminds me that Step 3 (Made a decision to turn our loves over to the care of God as we understood God). is critical to Step 6. All God needs to know is that we are willing. God gets to choose when and how fast these defects are removed. We can ask, but we must let go of the result. 

(Photo by Marcel Hol.)

Detachment helps me a lot in this step. I often have a skewed view of my own faults because of criticism from the alcoholic. I've also found that, in my early days of Al Anon, the alcoholic was afraid of how I may change through Al Anon because he has his own system of control and manipulation that I was getting ready to opt out of. The steps helped me pull away from that destructive behavior and I began to change. 

Sometimes if I am not as ready as I would like, I have to think carefully about what might be stopping me. Perfection is an excuse to not do something. I've found that when I am trying to work on a defect (or even long after I've forgotten that I've asked for a defect to be removed) my Higher Power will give me tests of willingness. That means that I am suddenly in many different situations where I will have to deal with a defect over and over again until I improve.     

While Step 6 can still be intimidating to think about, I find myself unconsciously practicing it in everyday life. I like to think of this as giving less useful things away and preparing room in myself for better things.

Giving Back to my Sponsor

The other night I went to a meeting that began with a reading from an Al Anon pamphlet on sponsorship. Normally I don't like such topics--it usually becomes a meeting where the theme is "Al Anon is so great" and seldom gets into anything deeper. But, it had me thinking of my relationship with my sponsor a bit.

(Photo by Grażyna Suchecka.)

I have had my struggles with my sponsor but over the past year we've settled out. A couple of months ago we bonded more because we were both in a phase where we weren't quite feeling the love of Al Anon at the time, but I've rebounded. Still, I get busy and don't call her like I should.

So, on Monday at the meeting I talked a little about the phases I've gone through with m sponsor, both good and bad. I felt guilty for not calling her and did so that night after the meeting. It turns out that her health is keeping her away from meetings, as well as some personal stuff. I felt bad, but it was good for me to hear that someone who had been in the program for 30+ years was struggling with some of the things I did. She had not been to any meetings in awhile and had not seen anyone we know.

It was odd because I felt that my sponsor, who was very experienced and helped me a lot, was in need of outreach. So, I told her a little of what I had learned in recent meetings and we talked about it. She seemed very lonely. At one of the meetings I go to we once had a pamphlet floating around called "Sponsorship is a Two Way Street". Even though I don't have nearly as much experience and my sponsor does, I can help both her and myself by calling her and talking about the program with her. After the meeting I felt I should find more ways to consistently work with her and so this can be a start.

Al Anon's Tradition 5

Al Anon's Tradition 5: Each Al Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics. 

(Photo by Philippe Ramaker.)

I would like to talk about the "welcoming and giving comfort" part of this tradition because of a story in the "Members Share" section of the Tradition 5 chapter in the 1997 edition of  Paths to Recovery.  In the story a woman called an Al Anon phone line and asked for help with someone who was abusing drugs. The  narrator felt "...rejected, alienated and devastated" when the woman she talked to insisted that Al Anon was only for alcohol. Later, the narrator tells of how, while drug abuse seemed to be the main problem, she realized that there was also a history of alcoholism in her family.  Luckily she came back to Al Anon and got help. 

One thing my sponsor always emphasizes is to always  be aware of our appearance to newcomers. We can't judge if they have alcoholism in their lives or not as newcomers are often in denial. Often I meet people who arrive for curiosity or research or because there is no Nar-Anon Family Group in this area and they were told to go to Al Anon instead. Often these people later realize that there is also alcoholism in their lives but they did not want to admit it or did not realize it. 

I found this note to myself in my copy of Paths to Recovery, next to the Al Anon phone line story: "It is not up to you to decide who belongs or if they have alcoholism in their lives. We have to respect how other people define themselves. Do not use this tradition to see who qualifies because these are spiritual traditions and not laws." 

Only the individual can decide if they belong to Al Anon. We can't judge their relatives as alcoholics or get into politics of weather or not the family member  has yet declared themselves an alcoholic. (Though it is respectful to not call someone an alcoholic until they identify themselves as one, members can come to Al Anon simply because they are worried about another person's drinking.) We can only be friendly and accepting and the newcomer will decide if the program is right for them. 

Al Anon's Step 5

Al Anon's Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  

(Photo by Dora Pete.)

 In meetings I've heard of Al Anon's step 5 referred to as a "sleeper step". Sometimes people talk about how they are tempted to skip it or not give enough time to it. Now that I reflect on it, Step 5 was perhaps one of the hardest steps for me. I was one of those people who felt tremendously guilty because I
thought that I was harming everyone and everything all of the time. Determining the "exact nature" of my wrongs was hard, but my sponsor helped me sort it out. She asked me questions like,  "Do you really think the things you did back in grade school were harmful enough to be included?" She was simply asking me a question, but I quickly realized how silly some of my ideas about myself were. 

I hated talking to others because of the shame I felt in coming from an alcoholic home, but through Al Anon I learned that being honest about it makes it less shameful. This step is about breaking isolation and not living alone with the crazy stuff in your head. We begin to come out of it and see that our behavior is crazy and we begin to see things differently.   Interestingly, my notes from different Step 5 meetings are about feeling crazy or dealing with "crazy" people. One sensible note says,  "I'm not crazy, my thoughts are crazy." Another note deals with letting the crazy person have the last word in an argument. That can be pretty hard, but I've found that it leads to dropping the issue without further argument, like when I talked about "Letting go of the rope". This is part of detachment and one thing I've heard often at meetings is, "Bless them, change me".

I realized that step 5 is about changing the way we talk about ourselves. It is about seeing things for what they are and not clouding the issue when we have to talk to others. It is another part of the process in removing denial (which can take a long time).  I've found that if I have problems with Step 5 I can go back to Step 3  (Made a decision to turn our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.) for strength before I move on.                                                                                                                                                                        

 Lastly, I'd like to leave you with a little Al Anon joke. We used to tell each other, "Don't do your fifth step on the first date".

Prayer at Al Anon Meetings

I was writing an entry about Tradition 4 (Each Group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al Anon or AA as a whole.) and I got off track because I realize that the example I was using was not the best one. I'm talking about how some Al Anon groups use The Lord's Prayer as part of the meeting.

I dislike when Al Anon groups close with The Lord's Prayer. I have nothing against it and I say it in church all of the time. However, I don't want to say it at an Al Anon meeting because I think it imposes the idea of one Higher Power on all members. This goes against the Al Anon belief that we need to define our own Higher Power for ourselves. In fact, an Al Anon meeting I attend to regularly was the only one I  knew where members recited The Lord's Prayer. At that particular meeting we had a number of members who had bad experiences with Christian religions and simply did not participate as it was said. At first I recited it along

(Photo by Korry_B of stock.xchng.)

with everyone else but as I watched these members I also began to abstain from reciting the prayer in solidarity with them. As I began to learn more about defining a Higher Power, I absolutely felt that what this group was doing was a violation of Al Anon principals. I was happy when the group voted to abolish this practice, as eventually over half our the members were not saying this prayer!

So, you can imagine how I felt last fall when I went to an Al Anon workshop in a rural area where, at the end, a member sternly called out, "Who's father?" which was their cue to begin, "Our Father..." I was offended by this and I did not participate in that recitation of The Lord's Prayer. I also didn't say anything to members of that group because I was only visiting and it was in an area much different than where I lived. For people there, it was comfortable to assume that God was their Higher Power because the area was predominately white and Christian. If their members ever became offended, I knew it was their problem to work out amongst themselves and they didn't need my interference. I could just go back home to my regular groups where we didn't recite The Lord's Prayer at the end.

 I truly believe that it violates the Al Anon principals to incorporate a specific religion into the meetings. But, it is really ingrained in some 12 step meetings and I've found that some are passionate about keeping it. I am passionate, too, but how important is it that I get upset about what a group that I never go to is doing? I just abstain when it comes up but I'm proud that the group I attend chose to think more carefully about this issue.

Al Anon's Step 4

Al Anon’s step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Ugh, step 4

When I go to step meetings I always breathe a sigh of relief when we get over the hump and pass these middle steps, sometimes called the "action steps" because we have to get out in the world and do something other than just think about it. I wrote about some of the emotions involved when I did step four in the entry "The Hardest Steps"and now I want to talk about how I approached it. From my very first days in Al Anon I worried about this step because I felt I would be confronted all at once with every horrible failing that I had. In my first year I was also scared by the intensity with which others approached this step. In meetings, a lot is made of the Al Anon workbook Blueprint for Progress: 4^th Step Inventory but this is only a tool to get us thinking. We can only decide for ourselves how to approach this step, and when we are ready.

(Photo by Laura Nubuck.)

Here are the things that worked for me when I did Al Anon's Step 4:

1.) I realized that only I could decide when I was ready to start this step. It just snuck up on me one day and, after months of agonizing,  beginning the step just suddenly felt right.

2.) Once I was ready, I had to just start, even if it is only in one small way. What I did was to take a question each day from Blueprint for Progress, write it down, and keep it in my pocket so I could think about it during the day. Later, especially after I got a sponsor, this all speeded up. But, it allowed me to get going easily. 

3.) As much as I love the AA members in my life, I realized that I should not let them tell me how to do my 4th step. In my area, Al Anon approaches this step differently and I learned not to feel guilty if I wasn't doing it the "original" way. This leads me to...

4.) Every single 12 stepper has a different definition of "fearless" but that doesn't mean that it has to be mine, or that I'm are doing it wrong if I don't follow what others do. Meetings and online forums can be full of very opinionated members who think that anything less than their method is not fearless. As I've moved on in the program, I've learned that the idea of fearlessness changes as I grow. As I get stronger I can dig into something new I never realized about myself before. That led me to this next realization.

5.) The first time I did the fourth step would not have to be the only time and a Step 4 inventory doesn't have to be perfect. This comforted me greatly as it took me about 6 months to complete this step. I thought about it all the time and didn't think I was "fearless" enough if it wasn't constantly on my mind. I went in circles with it and frustrated myself until I realized that I should just stop because there would be other opportunities to do this step again as I grew. 

6.) I learned to stop. This was perhaps the most important realization I had. I saw at one point that I was just stuck on the same things and I should just end it and call my sponsor and set a time to do Step 5. Some members make a big deal about how long they worked on this step, but at some point "searching" becomes frustrating and I learned that it is OK to move on.

 So, those are some of my experiences. For more of my experiences see the Step 4 tag.

Al Anon's Step 3

Al Anon's Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

In retrospect, I now realize that had a lot of trouble with this step. I know that step 3 is often called a "sleeper step" because some of us don't give it the attention it deserves until we realize we can't go on without gaining a deeper understanding of this step. After establishing powerlessness in Step 1 and understanding that a HP is there for us in Step 2, this step has us trusting our Higher Power to take care of the big stuff. The idea of "trust" made it quite a big step for me.

Often in Step 3 meetings people talk about decision-making. Simple decisions—make a decision and let it

(Photo by Andrew Beierle.)

go. We are not responsible for the reactions of other people so we can’t try to do “damage control” when we tell them something. We just have to be straightforward.

When I first read this step, little did I realize how important the “make a decision” part played into it. This step is all about making a decision, doing only what is my responsibility, and then letting go. I try to no longer look for solutions in people who I think are a problem. Not messing with something is the best way to show faith. This step is about serenity and “leaving the battlefield”, or, as in this Al Anon story, “Letting Go of the Rope”. I have learned that responding is better than reacting.

Al Anon’s Tradition 3

Al Anon’s Tradition 3: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves  an Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a friend or relative.

(Photo by Marco Michelini.)

As I first understood this tradition, it meant not confusing yourself with too many things when you are a newcomer. Really, it is so members won't give advice that does not relate to the program. In the beginning we ask people to not discuss other philosophies or their professions or religions. This goes back to Tradition 1-- we can do anything we like as individuals, but when we are together as an Al Anon family group we must stick to our common good. It is not helpful to confuse newcomers with ideas about different or conflicting ideas about alcoholism when they just need to take care of themselves and get better.

We also need to let our Al Anon meetings be a safe place for people who are suspicious of authority, or who are confused by too many opinions, self-help theories and “experts”. For example, as I grew up I had many counselors, teachers and other authority figures telling me what was wrong with me and what I needed to do about my parent’s alcoholism. At Al Anon, I can simply listen to the experiences of others with the same problem and decide for myself what to do. This allows members to decide how to best handle their own problems.

The idea of like-minded people brings comfort, yet the groups are not associated with any single theory, book or expert. This is one of the reasons why only Al Anon conference approved literature is allowed at meetings. We don’t want to look like we are endorsing the latest self-help guru. I realize that conference approved literature has its own issues. I think it often presents a sanitized way to work the Al Anon program while in real life things are often messier and hard to define. Yet, the authors are careful not to endorse anything and to keep the Al Anon principals at the forefront.

This tradition also reminds members of other 12 step programs that Al Anon is a different program with different approaches. In my home group, we voted to have a statement read during the beginning of the meeting that says, while AA members are welcome we must all take care to stick to talking only about the Al Anon principals and program. This is not because we do not respect the experiences of AA members, but because when they enter that door they are here for Al Anon.  There is an AA meeting downstairs from us and often those members would come in to our meeting and talk only about their own alcoholism. While the two programs sound similar there are often drastic differences in the way they each approach the steps or other tools of the program. We don’t want new members with no experience in either Al Anon or AA to get scared away because they think they must follow the stricter approaches of the AA groups in our area.