This is another post I sent to an online Al Anon group. I was very inspired by a speaker at a recent group. She happened to be a person I admire greatly in the program and I've been thinking about her talk all week.
Last week I went to a great meeting where the speaker announced that
she wanted to talk about choices. I sat there thinking that this was
going to be about the "big stuff" --how to change my job, for starters.
But, it was more about the little choices we make each day.
During
my growing up years at home we had no choices--- we just did what we
were told, like it or not. My alcoholic mother could be violent if we
did not do what she wanted. At school it was all about choosing the
right thing for our future, such as the right path of study that would
get us into a good college and then into a good job. So, really, I was
pressure to accept what someone else wanted and not even think about
what I wanted.
Another thing about my growing up years was
that our family always had money problems that were related to the
alcoholism. I could not even choose what to wear or what to eat, because
our family had to depend on what other people gave us. I always felt
guarded around other people, and embarrassed about our situation. I
could not even choose to let my own personality come out.
Later,
in a relationship with an alcoholic, I let him direct what I wanted to
do or I was afraid to say no to him. He was not violent, but because of
my mother deep down inside I felt that all alcoholics would be moody and
suddenly violent if provoked by the "wrong" thing. So, I knew Al Anon
was for me when I read one of those lists of questions I came across in
program literature. One question asked, "Do you believe external forces
control you?" Yes-- I realized my whole life was about that.
In
Al Anon I've learned that yes, I do have choices about what I do with
my life, my time off, or even the next five minutes. I learned that "no"
is a choice (and a complete sentence) and what other people think I
should do with my time is only their opinion, not an order. I gained the
courage to choose to not attend family gatherings where "toxic" people
were present or decide that I want to take a break from being around
someone who does not treat me respectfully. I also set boundaries with
people who wanted to trample on my time-- I asked them to work with me
to make reasonable plans beforehand and not expect me to drop everything
at the last minute for what they wanted. These things were not easy for
me to do but it was better for me in the long run because I did not
have to make myself unhappy to satisfy someone else's wishes.