Reconciliation

Oh, geeeze..too much emotion these days.

My boyfriend and I kissed and made up. I knew that if I left him alone for a few days he would probably right himself. In fact, he wanted to give me the leftover codeine but I didn't want that--I don't want him to think that I need to take the drugs or alcohol away from him in order for me to trust him.

(Photo by Nikhil Desai.)

Coming back together was very emotional and hard for me. I tried to live my life while I wasn't seeing him but in the back of my mind I worried that he was drinking or using drugs again. I realized that we could have lost all that we had together. Even though he's been sober for 5 years it was suddenly very real to me that he will be an alcoholic and an addict for the rest of his life. I guess I always knew this intellectually but never had it demonstrated as bluntly as with the codeine episode.

Also, I told him that I would no longer attend "our" Al Anon adult child focus meeting together. I've been growing away from that meeting and I want to be in meetings where I can be free to be a whole person. Normally I never share in that meeting unless it is about my alcoholic parents, because he is there. Also, in the last meeting we went to together he shared his Al Anon related view of the past week,which was painful for me to hear. (He didn't talk about me in front of me...it was about other things.) I want to get out of his way so he can talk as well, which he rarely does.

Driving on Codeine

I don't feel like telling this story again because I spent yesterday talking about it with my sponsor and other Al-Anon friends, but maybe posting it here will help someone else.

Last week my boyfriend had outpatient surgery and I was a little disturbed that they gave him a prescription for codeine when they released him. I don't know what he said about his alcoholism, but I was there when he lied about his history of drug abuse. I have since found out from my Al Anon friends that if they had known about his history of addiction they would have not given him codeine.

(Photo by Dima V of stock.xchng.)

At first he told me that he was not going to take the codeine because he was afraid it would trigger his alcoholism. Then, over the weekend he claimed that he was tired because he had started taking it and he seemed drugged. He still kept insisting on going about his normal activities, though.

On Monday I was at the doctor's and he called and said he wanted to pick me up and claimed that he was fine. He also said his AA sponsor had told him to stop the codeine. So, I trusted him but when he showed up he was really out of it. I offered to drive but he didn't want me to.

While we were driving we were going to pass a crosswalk in front of a senior home. When he saw two older people waiting there he stopped abruptly. The car behind us only avoided hitting us when the driver had enough quick thinking and skill to swerve out of the way. The older people looked terrified. My boyfriend, who is normally a very emotional driver, had absolutely no reaction and still appeared drugged.

I was upset, of course. I told him that I didn't want him to use me as an excuse to drive and so I was taking myself out of the picture and I didn't want to go out with him for a couple of days. He had no emotion but did get in a dig at me for being angry at him for "being a responsible driver", which, in his mind, was stopping for the older couple. He told me that he would call me and then dropped me off, but I really didn't want to see him for a couple of days.

I have since had my Al Anon friends back me up when I say that I don't want to drive with him if I am not comfortable doing so. My sponsor also recommended that I don't call him, just let him call first. Well, I was going to do that but I'm sure his sponsor told him the same thing because it was reaching the point of a Mexican standoff. I called him about an hour ago and he seemed more alert and said he hadn't had any codeine since Sunday. It was a brief call but at least we made contact and I guess I'll figure it out from here.

Sorting It All Out

I haven't posted in a bit because it has just been a strange week and I am still thinking over many things. I've been going to Al Anon meetings most days and it helps me to reconnect with people. I love these women-- they show up as if they are dressed for church or a luncheon even if they are feeling bad. I started doing that too, when I go to the meetings where I see them. It helps me to "Get up, suit up, show up" as my sponsor says, and part of "Fake it 'til you make it."

So, I worked things out with my sponsor and we kissed and made up. (I feel a little embarrassed about my previous entry on sponsor woes now, but it was something I was going through and I wanted to write about it.) Then we had a long lunch together where we talked about the mechanics of Boyfriend, his daughter and myself all attending Al Anon meetings at once.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

Boyfriend has a car and can go to any meeting he wants, Daughter and I don't and can't. He said that he would leave if she showed up at a meeting where he was. He seems to be afraid that she will complain about him in front of him and negatively point him out in front of others, as she sometimes does. 

I want to give Daughter her privacy but also be a friendly face for her. I haven't talked to her since her first meeting and so I don't know how she would feel to have me present. I don't think this would be a problem even though she lives near me because I work during the day and she doesn't. I will probably seldom see her in the rooms. I also don't want to talk to her about issues that I have with her father because I don't want to encourage any resentments.

It is hard to not think about all of this. An Al-Anon friend suggested that I invite people but then let go of the outcome. This is easier for me to say than to do because this is so personal. This is a chance to bond with Daughter, who clearly needs Al Anon. But, I know that being overbearing could scare her away. Boyfriend said that when she's called him (as she does daily) she has been better towards him. It is hard for me to not ask for any details. I don't know what she thought of the meeting or if she wants to keep coming back. I don't know if she has been to any meetings since then. In fact, I have decided that if I see her I should not talk about Al Anon unless she brings it up first so I don't sound too pushy.

Also, I mentioned before that Boyfriend and I attend an Adult Child focus Al Anon meeting together. We often see couples attend together and thought nothing of it. My sponsor suggested that we try not to do that as, technically, members of a couple are supposed to go to meetings as individuals. We both hate missing that meeting because it is the only one of its type in the area. Instead we are now just sitting in different parts of the room (it is a very large meeting). I sit with my sponsor and some women while he sits with some men. That seems to be a good solution for now.

The Newcomer

Oh, my...what a strange day.

I was the speaker at an Al-Anon meeting near where I live. I thought it would be no sweat because it is generally a small meeting (under 10 people) and I know all of them. I also invited my sponsor, since I am aware her recent crankiness is due to her being down and I wanted to reach out to her. I decided to talk about what I've learned about humility recently (which I will post about in another entry).

(Photo by Cheryl Empey.)

For the past couple of years I've been trying to gently invite my boyfriend's daughter to Al-Anon. She is a very difficult person to be around at times and after I joined Al Anon I could see myself in her. While I've been gentle in my approach to her I don't accept her bad behavior because I did the same things when I was young and I did them because I was affected by alcoholism.

Anyway, a good Al Anon person suggested that I just invite her to a meeting and let it go. I've been doing that for years but much to my surprise she walked in a few minutes after today's meeting started. I knew that once she got in the door she would be taken care of. I am grateful that my sponsor and another good Al-Anon friend reached out to her and made her feel welcome.

As for me, I was suddenly very nervous. To me, it seemed like the longest Al Anon meeting I've been to, except for my first one. Plus, since I was the speaker when people shared they thanked me for my lead and touched on my topic--I really hate being the center of attention, even if it is positive.

Boyfriend came to pick me up after the meeting. He had originally wanted to hear me speak but ended up having to do something he couldn't get out of. (Thank you Higher Power, for getting him out of my way.)

In the car afterwards Boyfriend acted like it was a major annoyance for me to have Daughter show up. (They ran into each other after the meeting.) Then, he asked me about her behavior, such as, was she fidgety or did she act out? We are talking about a 31 year old here!! I don't want to get involved in their relationship but one of the reasons I wanted to get her to Al Anon was that I am sad to see him so controlling of her and how treats her like a toddler. He also finds her very aggravating and every time we talk about spending time with her he talks about how she's going to be this messy, annoying, ill mannered blob. I didn't want to violate her privacy by talking in detail about how she was during the meeting, but I told him that she behaved like a normal person and that I hoped he would learn to trust her to behave like an adult in the future.

I am happy and grateful that Daughter was there. Even if she never comes back we got to bond a little and strengthen each other.

28 Days of Meditation- Week 2 Part 2

Sure enough, when I got back from the beach (where I didn’t do any meditation) the Day 13 Meditation Revolution email talked about how to not let your meditation go off track on the weekend or during vacation. I had good intentions but completely derailed, though I did do it before we left on Friday. It felt good to get back to it, though.

(Photo by Juan Croatto.)

During the meditations this week when the speaker asks the listener to dedicate our meditation to someone else I thought of people I have trouble with. I tend to fall into obsessive thinking in these areas and this helped feel like it was a start towards healing. I tried to think of positive things about the person of the moment when asked to think of gratitude.

I am easily startled by any little noise sometimes and the mediation bell was startling me at the end. I concentrated on not reacting to the bell—practice for real life, when I need to respond, not react. Much to my surprise, I soon stopped reacting to the bell.

The Day 14 email invites the participant to “bring an attitude of discovery to your meditation”, which seems to address the problem I have of not figuring out how I feel. I decided to set that as my intention and it was easy to start with the physical rather than the emotional but I soon got weepy when I let my mind drift to something else.

Anger

I'm getting back on track with Al-Anon. I've been going to a meeting a day and making an effort to say something at each meeting. I also had a long talk with my sponsor this afternoon and found that, surprisingly, we've been going through the same thing with the program lately.

But, what I would like to talk about today is anger. Yesterday I went to a meeting where they tarted off by reading the July 26 entry from the One Day at a Time in Al-Anon daily reader. The reading is about stopping to think instead of retaliating but most people chose to talk about anger--either being very angry or never being angry. I am one of those people who never lets anyone know I am angry.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

I have spent my life around people who got angry very easily over nothing--and many of those people were alcoholics. I considered anger to be something extreme and sick, especially since most of these people seemed angry all the time or were prone to violent flashes of rage. I did not want to appear to be angry.

The reading mentioned retaliation, but I was more afraid of retaliation from other people. I knew that if I expressed negative emotions, someone was sure to get back to me.Or, if it was someone I loved they would leave me.

Lately I've been having crazy flashes of anger at my boyfriend. Granted, it has been very, very hot and we both are very, very stressed. But, I also think I am beginning to feel more of my emotions after a few years in Al Anon. Also, I think I am now stronger and can be angry with him without fearing that he may leave me and I can resist him when he tries to convince me that my feelings are not justified.

I love my boyfriend, but he is an alcoholic and he can be manipulative. Often when I express a negative emotion he says that my feelings are "wrong" and gives me lectures about forgiveness (without actually asking for it) and then he badgers me to let go of the issue. That used to frustrate me but now I realize that he does not want to look at his own part in things so he puts pressure on me. I just be firm in telling him that my feelings are hurt, I have a right to think the way that I do and I have a right to be angry. I also tell him that I need to resolve the issue within myself and I can only let it go when I am ready to. Then, like I've also been taught in Al Anon, I let it go and am fine to let the alcoholic sit in his own discomfort.

Happy Little Trees

Even though I think of myself as an artist I've always had an irrational dislike of painting and drawing. I don't know why that is and I never fully examined it. I prefer things like printmaking, sculpture, or fibers. I always thought that I was somehow painting and drawing retarded.

(Bob Ross photo from Wikipedia.)

In art school I had a painting teacher that was pretty good. Though, he had issues with Bob Ross, the pleasant hippie who had a how-to painting show on PBS. Sometimes while we were working on our painting of the moment this teacher would rant and rail about Bob Ross and how he doesn't teach art but instead teaches something one step beyond paint by numbers. That is, anyone can make a painting if they just follow what Bob Ross does and there is no creativity involved.I've had other teachers make fun of Bob Ross in class, but this guy really couldn't let it go.

At the time I thought it was funny and went along with it, because the teacher did have a point.Though, now I realize it is up to the individual and once you paint a Happy Little Tree (as he called them) you can take those skills and do something else with them.

I grew up watching Bob Ross and my brother and I always joked  about his approach.This morning I saw a fun tribute remix that PBS posted and I watched it. I realized that the main thing about Bob Ross is that he is happy, he loves his art, and he is easygoing about his work. Make a mistake? Don't worry, just take your paint brush and turn it into something else. Enjoy what you are doing. This philosophy is the complete opposite of what I've experienced in the art world--you must have passion and conviction and drive and give what you are doing great importance. I don't care about that anymore. Maybe now is the time in my life to visit the "Easy does it" ideas of Bob Ross.

Also, for your viewing pleasure, the PBS remix.