This too shall pass

I've had a rough week, but I've also had some amazing experiences with the week 4 Yoga Journal meditation. I don't feel ready to write about that now, but I wanted to share something that has held me up over the years -- music.

I've been a U2 fan since I was about 13 or 14. I listened to their music without really thinking of the meaning behind it. After I came to Al-Anon, I suddenly became aware of the spiritual messages in their music. I truly believe this is one of the ways my Higher Power reaches me. Sometimes I will have an instinct to put on a certain album, and suddenly the lyrics of a specific song will really jump out at me and seem to really apply to my current situation.

One song that is special to me is Stuck in a Moment from All That You Can't Leave Behind. I know that there is an "official" meaning for this song, but to me this song helps me to realize that bad times aren't permanent and, like the Al-Anon slogan says, "This too shall pass".  I even use the song as a form of meditation. I like to sit quietly and listen carefully to the lyrics because I find them reassuring, especially the ending line:

“...and if your way should falter,
along that stony pass

it’s just a moment,
this time will pass.”

I like the original video, but I also like the simplicity of this live performance. 

Outdoor Meditation

I've been relying a lot on meditation lately. A situation has come up with another person in my neighborhood that I refuse to bite into. However, this is quite a struggle and if I don't watch it, I can get into obsessive thinking. If I can't sleep at night because of this I just put in one of my meditation DVDs, even if I have to play it more than once.  

My meditation spot at Bull Run.

Part of my personal lesson this week is to go on with my life even if other people are trying to turn it upside down. This is all part of restoring myself to sanity, another concept I've been working on. I didn't want to go out of town, but I decided to go with my boyfriend to Mananas, VA for a family party and a visit to the Bull Run battlefield. I'm glad I went because it was a nice rest and nothing happened at home while I was gone. I did get some time to meditate as my boyfriend wanted to spread a blanket out in the grass at Bull Run and nap before we headed to the party. It was my first time doing meditation outdoors and it was a sublime experience. It is amazing how much I heard of nature when I was listening to "nothing".

So, I have been working at meditation even though, according to my notes, it took me 40 days to complete week 3 of Yoga Journal's Meditation Revolution. I don't know why, but I just didn't warm up to that week's meditation. I did get some useful things out of it.

In my last post about this series I mentioned I had trouble with the breathing. This has gotten better since I've been practicing on my own. I still struggle with the idea of meditation creating energy, but I put that on the back burner, figuring that I would just understand it in time. The Yoga Journal email for day 21 mentions that thoughts are energy. Well, that seems obvious, but a good reminder for me right now since I am trying not to waste energy with obsessive thinking.

I miss you...but stay away

Well, I've had a busy week. For the first part of it I was grumpy and out of sorts but now that seemed to have calmed down and I can sort it out a bit.

I think I was grouchy primarily because I work in a college and orientation was last week. I promised to do that months ago and couldn't wiggle out of it, but then Boyfriend said he had a turn at the family beach house and if I didn't take it with him we wouldn't be able to go back until mid-October, Of all weekends, after having so much free time this summer... (In our office we spend the summer swapping recipes and talking to the occasional grad student. During the school year it is the complete opposite--no time to breathe.) He tried to pressure me but I put my foot down. I had to even work on the weekend and couldn't even do an overnight. Thankfully, he rounded up his son and best friend and they had Man Weekend. I was glad to have him out of my hair.

(Photo by Maja Pi.)

I felt bad, but I gently encouraged him to stay away and not come back early on account of me. Even though I was busy at work I wanted what little time I had alone. It seemed that I went through a lot with him earlier in the month and then spent the last few weeks figuring it out and trying to separate from him a little bit. Not separate as in break up, but more like reaching a new level of detachment and  I wanted to work on that  a bit.

When he came back I could have seen him that evening but brushed him off. I just didn't want to rush back into his arms after having the weekend to myself. Normally, during orientation he makes a big deal about not being able to see me and then pressures me to give him all of my free time, which isn't much. I just wanted to avoid that this year.

Though, we did talk on the phone and he came to pick me up from work yesterday so it worked out. Tonight we have a date and on Saturday we are driving out of state for a family birthday party. I don't want to get back on the roller coaster of giving him all of my free time so I told him that if we were going on this road trip I didn't want to see him on Friday (my first day off since early last week) and he seemed OK with that.

Finding a Sponsor in Al-Anon

I noticed lately that people are finding my blog by Googling "resistance to AlAnon". I guess I should write about my own experience with that ( as I have plenty), but on the search results page for that I found an interesting recovery web site called The Fix. I don't know if this site is endorsed by the different 12 step programs they talk about, but there are some interesting and honest essays on it. One that I find particularly thought provoking today is "Al-Anon Sponsor Seeking" by Malina Saval. In a way, my own experience in finding a sponsor showed a resistance to Al Anon simply because I made it too stressful and didn't step back and let it proceed naturally. .

(Photo by ChangHyun Bang.)

In the essay Saval mentions that her husband found a sponsor in his 12 step program in short order and she was still trying after a year. This is about what happened to me. Part of it is, AA and Al Anon are different programs, even if they look the same. The AA way is to get started right away, preferably with someone who will kick your ass. Al Anon is a lot different. I agonized over finding a sponsor for the first year, mainly because I was listening to my boyfriend's AA version of how to do it. I though that there was something wrong with me, and like Saval, I felt that I wasn't working the program the way you are "supposed" to. (After talking about this at a meeting a kind member later told me, "There are no "musts" in Al Anon.")

I also remember being determined to find a sponsor in some way. One year I went to our district's fall workshop thinking that I could make that be the day, because I knew lots of black belt Al Anon ladies were coming from all over. I looked at everyone, wondering if this was it, could they be my sponsor? Of course, I left empty handed.

Meanwhile, I went to meetings and heard people talk about how it took them a year, three years, or even 10 years to find a sponsor and begin working the steps. That made me feel better. And finally, one day I went to coffee with a bunch of people after the meeting and asked my sponsor if she would work with me. It just felt right at that time, which was odd after all of that agonizing.  I had heard her talk at my very first AlAnon meeting and thought she was crazy, but over time I realized that she spoke the truth and thought she was just like me. Surprised, she accepted and began helping me with my 4th step.

In the essay Saval mentions asking someone to do "a step or two" with her and the person responds by rebuffing her with an "all or nothing" attitude. I have to say, many Al Ann members suggest Saval's approach. If it is too hard to ask someone to be your sponsor you can ask them to try it out temporarily or ask them to help you with a step. That helped my psychologically, even though I didn't do it. I, at least, knew there was a small way to begin and that made it easier.

Al-Anon’s Step 8

Al Anon’s Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

It helped me to approach this step by using some of the techniques outlined in the Step Eight chapter of Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon’sSteps, Traditions and Concepts.To work Step 8 I first consulted my list of character defects from Step 4. I found out that it was the best way to sort out if I had harmed somebody, but feeling shameful and guilty still had me later adding people that didn’t belong. 

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

Next I made a little chart showing the people closest to me and then went out to people that were not so close. Then, I made another little chart where I listed the names under the headings “Amends are possible”, “I do what I can do”, “People from the past” and “?”. The “?” was very long, but my sponsor helped me to see that some of those people were probably not harmed and some were too far in the distant past to agonize over.

I then took the names of the people closest to me and wrote notes for “How harmed?” and “Appropriate amends”. I know some people can’t approach how to do amends during this step, but I used my inventory and talked to my sponsor about it. Seeing a way to make the amends and having a plan for this helped me to become willing—it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.

Needless to say, all of this list making took a long time. At first I didn’t know who to put on it, aside from the people immediately closest to me, but then it seemed that everyone I ever knew ended up on it. During this process I learned to separate my ideas of shame from the genuine need to make amends. This is why so many people from elementary and middle school ended up on the list. I was also surprised that I could eliminate most names from the “I do what I can do” list because my sponsor helped me realize I was already trying to do the best that I could within the boundaries of those relationships. 

I also learned that being willing was also different than being obligated. I felt like a kid who’s mom makes them say they were sorry when they didn’t really mean it. But, after all of this sorting out I could understand my own behavior better and how it was harmful to others. Being willing didn’t happen overnight, but it did eventually happen for a lot of the people on my list of people closest to me. Now I know that if I have trouble making amends to someone else I can take my time and wait until I am truly willing. Not only will I better understand why I did things, but my amends will be genuine and I will be able to more easily settle my mind.

Al-Anon's Tradition 8

Al-Anon’s Tradition 8: Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

(Photo by Dimitris Kritsotakis.)

The traditions aren’t big in my area, so I’ve only been to one meeting that discussed Tradition 8. To me this tradition directly relates to Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principals in all our affairs. We can each use our gifts as volunteers to spread the word about the program.

Another way this tradition helps is to not give newcomers the impression that they are being “sold” a particular philosophy that may chase them away. We announce at the beginnings of the meetings to keep outside religions and professions out of the discussion. This helps members (newcomers in particular) realize that their opinions are just as valid as others, “professional” or not. It makes people’s shares more human and we can better identify with one another.

Since I am not a professional in any job that this would apply to, I have to remember for myself that I am not a professional and I don’t need to give unsolicited advice about medical care, mental illness, legal matters or other things on which I am not qualified to give advice on.

Tradition 8 is another measure that keeps us equal. I know that people who have been in the program for years and years come in suffering as if it were their first day. We can’t lord it over each other because focusing on others keeps us from focusing on ourselves.

I assume that the “special workers” means people who get paid, or else there probably wouldn’t be enough volunteers to run some of the day-to-day functions of the office. No group can ask the few who are willing to work for free to take on extra work all of the time. I’m sure this would bring out the martyrs, which is a character defect that the Al Anon program often addresses and helps members to eliminate. 

Al-Anon's Step 7

Al-Anon’s Step 7: Humbly ask (our Higher Power) to remove our shortcomings.

(Photo by Maxime Perron Caissy.)

It seemed like step 7 was everywhere in July (duh, the 7^th month) and now that I’ve hashed it over so much in my mind I almost didn't want to write about it for my step of the month entry then. I realized, after struggling with thinking about this step so much, is that at that point I was supposed to look at the “humility” part. This is what I focused on when I was the speaker at a small group recently, which asks that we speak on something loosely related to the step of the month.

To make speaking easier I usually go off of a passage from one of the books. For step 7 I picked the June 9 reading from the Courage to Change Al-Anon daily reader. This reading talks about confusing humility with humiliation. That has been a chronic problem for me over the years. I grew up in a faith that taught that. We were told to be subservient to others and to set our own needs aside for people who needed it more. This was reinforced by the events in my alcoholic home, where the adults were unable to do the daily tasks they were responsible for and so we kids took that over. It was a way of life to thanklessly do the tasks adults should do to make the household function, like laundry, grocery shopping, and due dates (or more likely, past due dates) for the bills. 

Also, my mother often said abusive or inappropriately sexual things to me as a kid. I thought that being humiliated by the alcoholic was “normal”. After all of that abuse I didn’t understand how anyone could just like me for myself.

So, as an adult I was wrapped up in doing for others and not for myself. I needed to be needed and was used to being constantly needed in situation where others were dysfunctional. Defects that arose from the lack of humility include arrogance (I know what is best for other people) selfishness and over-dependence on the alcoholic. Without realizing it, I was making myself another person’s Higher Power. I also made the alcoholic my Higher Power because I was too insecure to trust my own thoughts and feelings.

When I first came to Al-Anon I couldn’t understand the idea that I am selfish--how can I be selfish if I am always doing for others? The answer is that I do for others because I think if I don't they won't stop loving me or I need them to do what they want me to do. The Al Anon welcome for some groups say, “Our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.” Because I was used to thinking for that alcoholic I thought I should think for everyone else, too, and force my will upon them.

Humility, as I define it, is to be honest about our own shortcomings and allow that we are not another person's higher power. Humility is one of the big elements in the Al Anon program and is first present in step one, when we admit we are powerless over alcohol.

In Al Anon we learn to surrender things to our own Higher Power but I also learned to remember that other people have their own Higher Power and I am not it. I have to trust that their Higher Power will look after them and that when that person makes what I consider mistakes I can't cushion them because their HP may be giving them something to learn from.