Finding a Sponsor in Al-Anon

I noticed lately that people are finding my blog by Googling "resistance to AlAnon". I guess I should write about my own experience with that ( as I have plenty), but on the search results page for that I found an interesting recovery web site called The Fix. I don't know if this site is endorsed by the different 12 step programs they talk about, but there are some interesting and honest essays on it. One that I find particularly thought provoking today is "Al-Anon Sponsor Seeking" by Malina Saval. In a way, my own experience in finding a sponsor showed a resistance to Al Anon simply because I made it too stressful and didn't step back and let it proceed naturally. .

(Photo by ChangHyun Bang.)

In the essay Saval mentions that her husband found a sponsor in his 12 step program in short order and she was still trying after a year. This is about what happened to me. Part of it is, AA and Al Anon are different programs, even if they look the same. The AA way is to get started right away, preferably with someone who will kick your ass. Al Anon is a lot different. I agonized over finding a sponsor for the first year, mainly because I was listening to my boyfriend's AA version of how to do it. I though that there was something wrong with me, and like Saval, I felt that I wasn't working the program the way you are "supposed" to. (After talking about this at a meeting a kind member later told me, "There are no "musts" in Al Anon.")

I also remember being determined to find a sponsor in some way. One year I went to our district's fall workshop thinking that I could make that be the day, because I knew lots of black belt Al Anon ladies were coming from all over. I looked at everyone, wondering if this was it, could they be my sponsor? Of course, I left empty handed.

Meanwhile, I went to meetings and heard people talk about how it took them a year, three years, or even 10 years to find a sponsor and begin working the steps. That made me feel better. And finally, one day I went to coffee with a bunch of people after the meeting and asked my sponsor if she would work with me. It just felt right at that time, which was odd after all of that agonizing.  I had heard her talk at my very first AlAnon meeting and thought she was crazy, but over time I realized that she spoke the truth and thought she was just like me. Surprised, she accepted and began helping me with my 4th step.

In the essay Saval mentions asking someone to do "a step or two" with her and the person responds by rebuffing her with an "all or nothing" attitude. I have to say, many Al Ann members suggest Saval's approach. If it is too hard to ask someone to be your sponsor you can ask them to try it out temporarily or ask them to help you with a step. That helped my psychologically, even though I didn't do it. I, at least, knew there was a small way to begin and that made it easier.