The Al Anon Promises Part 3: Reality and Truth

Well,  I got sidetracked on writing about the Al Anon promises but then when I was looking for something to write I came across a posting of them on an Al Anon forum. I believe that number 3 is next for me, which is....

3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.

I link this promise a lot with the idea of being "restored to sanity". These days I have a moment every so often where I think, "This is crazy and unrealistic. Yet, the people around me all think this is normal." 

I used to get caught up in all kinds of crazy things, mostly because I felt like I had to get along and make things work. I didn't understand that I was confused, or that I did not see reality.

There is one story I sometimes tell at Al Anon meetings because I showed that I was too wrapped up

(Photo by Lena Pautina.)

in alcoholic dysfunction to see what was rational. When I was young I got a job teaching kids in a special summer program. The site that was to host my group's branch of the program pulled out a couple of days before the kids were to arrive and we were left stranded. On that day I sat with my fellow instructors and our supervisor in a local McDonalds as she made lots of phone calls trying to get us another space.

Well, there came a call from a local rec center so we all piled into cars and headed over. Once we were there, the man who ran the place said we could have an upstairs room but the kids in his program would have the rest of the space, including the gym and cafeteria. This room was about the size of a large living room and we had 120 kids with about 5 or 6 instructors. This was in no way a realistic solution...but I did not see that.

I immediately jumped in and tried to get everyone else to see how great this could work. I tried to get them to see that we could group the kids in a certain way and send each instructor into one of the corners or part of the middle. I really thought that this could actually work if we only tried. Though I did not realize it I was thinking that the first option was the only option and we had to make it work no matter what. I grew up in an alcoholic home where I didn't have many choices and I usually just had to work with what I was given. I kept trying to make this situation work, like jamming a square peg into a round hole.

Well, no, my coworkers were saner than I and rebelled. Luckily, another site came through for us and it was so big that all of us instructors even had our own classrooms. (Our Higher Power worked it out for us, despite my meddling.)

So, now it is like a "light bulb moment" when I realize that something is not rational. I know that I have choices and I can take time to decide for myself what is a rational and workable solution. That can often mean not taking the first solution that comes along.  I can respond rather than to react.

You can read all of the Al Anon Promises on p. 269 of From Survival to Recovery or on this web page for a California Al Anon group.

Forgiveness

I decided that in order to help me use this blog better that I should write something each week, outside of just talking about the steps. I had to secretary my online group in August and I enjoyed writing the little blurbs to start off the topic. So, for lack of anything I felt very passionate about writing, I looked to that group again for inspiration. The topic this week is forgiveness. Ugh. I don't want to write about that but my Al Anon experience tells me that not wanting to write about something is my way of avoiding it.

(Photo by Dario Dzimbeg.)

I hate saying, "I forgive you." Why? I don't know, except that in the past I always felt that forgiveness was something that I was not able to choose to do on my own. In school and church we were taught that this was a value we all needed to stress. It was almost automatic-- if someone wrongs us we should forgive right away. I didn't understand that forgiveness was a process and it was ok if it took awhile. I felt guilty if I did not truly forgive someone in someone else's time.

When I met my boyfriend forgiveness became harder because when I felt the pressure to forgive I became very resentful. When he would do something that I felt was wrong and I would try to talk to him about it he would badger me and keep saying, "Let it go! Let it go!" without really giving me a chance to talk. He implied that something was wrong with me if I did not automatically forgive him. I flashed back to the teachings of my youth and while I honestly did not forgive him, I felt I could not say any more or I would look like the one who could not be mature about things.

So, I had a lot to learn about this when I came to Al Anon. My boyfriend was one of the most difficult people to consider when doing Al Anon's Step 8 and Step 9. It was hard for me to see how I had wronged him because I was so resentful of how he treated me. One of the most important things I learned while doing these steps is changing what I accept from others. My sponsor said that a good way to make amends with someone is to simply change my behavior, and that extended to no longer accepting unacceptable behavior.

I was a bit confused by this. When I now know as setting boundaries sounded like harsh behavior. I began to try to talk to my boyfriend differently. When he would badger me to forgive him, I told him that I can't be ordered to forgive, and that it was a process that I had to do within myself and in my own time. He didn't know what to say to that. I gradually learned that his behavior was a defense mechanism and that he was responsible for that behavior, not me.

When I say he is responsible for his own behavior, this is another liberation that came from Steps 4-9. I learned to separate my responsibilities from his behavior. I also learned a lot more about alcoholism.  I can forgive him in a more genuine way because I can see how his disease affects him. I know how to better talk to him so I can "say what I mean but don't say it mean." (Another favorite saying of my sponsor.) I can set my boundaries in the beginning so there is less resentment and more constructive communication.(I wrote more about some of these things in my entry "Expecting Amends from Others".)

Progress not Perfection

Here is another post I recently sent to an online Al Anon group.

(Photo by Svilen Milev.)

I don't remember when it all started, but in my family I was always the "good" child who tried to do everything right. Later, as an adult this turned into being overly concerned about being "perfect". I always had my lawn mowed, my house clean and my bills paid. I was afraid of anything that might bring criticism or scrutiny. I know now that there are a couple of reasons why I did this. First of all, my alcoholic mother was very critical of everything I did. She was rough on me when it came to school and homework, so I always felt I had no choice but to get top grades. She even became overly concerned about my clothing.  As I headed out for school each day, she stood in  a certain spot next to the stairs so she could look up my skirt and see if I was wearing a slip! (This was in an age where most girls didn't wear slips anymore.)

As an adult I still felt that I had to be the one that stood out for being the best. Besides being insecure, I didn't want any attention drawn to myself. This is also an affect of coming from an alcoholic home--ours always stood out as the "crazy" family. I figured that if my home and appearance were "perfect" no one would guess my background. I guess I didn't realize that people thought my constant perfectionism made me stand out!

Through Al Anon I learned that it is OK to make mistakes and even learn to laugh at them. For the bigger mistakes, I have the 12 steps (particularity Steps 4-10). I have learned to understand which mistakes actually harm other people and which do not. For the harmful ones, I can decide on what the next right action should be to make amends. After that, I can go on with my life without agonizing over it.

I have also learned to be a little sloppy here and there and sometimes let the yard work go. For example, I haven't deadheaded my flowers in m garden in awhile but as a result of my "sloppiness" some beautiful wild canaries have been coming to eat the seeds from my spent zinnias. They would not be there I had rushed to make everything neat like I used to.

Self Care

Here is another thing that I originally posted to an online group earlier in the week.

The idea of self care was a difficult one for me when I first came to Al Anon. for most of my life I thought that the things I now see as self care were selfish and frivolous. Why should I take a nap in the middle of the afternoon or go for a bike ride when I have so many things to do or other people need me?

(Photo by Alex Bramwell.)

In my local Al Anon groups we often remind each other of what you hear on airplanes-- we need to put on our own oxygen masks before we can help others. When I worked Al Anon's 4th step for the first time it helped me realize I was sadly lacking in self care. After reading questions in the workbook that some members use for a 4th step inventory, I began to go to the doctor and dentist regularly. Before, I would always be worried about the expense of this, but now I feel better because I can take care of physical problems when they are small or know that nothing is wrong. (That saves me both money and worry.) 

Another way I learned to take care of myself is through better food. An Al Anon slogan that struck me in the early days was "HALT: hungry, angry, lonely, tired." That gave me a great way to check my behavior, and I realized that I often acted out because I was hungry and irritable or tired. A few months after I came to Al Anon I surprised myself by becoming a vegetarian. This just felt right for me- I realized that some of my irritability and tiredness stemmed from how my body felt after eating certain foods. I feel much better now.

Other things I do for self care include going regularly to Al Anon meetings, meditating, exercising and going to church. While I respect that some others don't care to go to church, it helps me because I like to get there early, sit in the quiet and let my mind settle. It is one of the few places where my loved ones won't dare to bother me!  There is a lot of sense in honoring a day of rest. I realized my Higher Power wants me to rest regularly or I won't be any good to anyone, especially to myself.

Step 12 and a friend

 The other day at work a friend returned from a family vacation in obvious distress. A member of her family had spent the entire vacation drinking excessively and now my friend was worried that the person is an alcoholic.  Of course, I feel very strongly about that issue, but I was glad that I didn't say anything until I was asked about it because another coworker decided to ask her lots of questions about her relative's drinking. He asked her all about how many drinks the person usually has, how many drinks the person had on the day in question, and how many alcoholics were already in the family. This was all in an effort to "help" my friend decide if her relative is an alcoholic. I felt really bad for my friend because it seemed very embarrassing for her.

I knew that my friend would come to me later to talk to me alone, so that is another reason I stayed out of

(Photo by DuBoix of morgueFile.)

the discussion. I didn't want to get into a debate with the second coworker, who seemed very opinionated about the whole thing.  When we did talk I told her that we can't label a person an alcoholic until they declare themselves one. (I always do this at the request of my AA member boyfriend. I find that he is right--calling someone alcoholic when they aren't ready to see that only provokes resistance and confrontation. We need to respect the person to make that decision on their own.) She knew I was in Al Anon and asked for more information.

A couple of days later I gave her some basic pamphlets and told her that I regularly attended a certain meeting if she wanted to come one night. This is what a long time Al Anon member suggested to me--give them the information and don't think any more about it. If they go--great, but if they don't go I haven't invested any needless emotional effort into it. I also know that alcoholism can be a touchy situation for newcomers and that it can take awhile for them to screw up the courage to come to a meeting.

A couple of nights later I attended a meeting where we talked about Tradition 8 (Al Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.) I realized that this is why I didn't give her my "expert" opinion on her situation. I knew from other Al Anon members that simply carrying the message often works best. I think the best thing I can do for my friend now is to just be a good example of an Al Anon member by working my program for myself and keeping the focus on myself.

Choices and Al Anon

This is another post I sent to an online Al Anon group. I was very inspired by a speaker at a recent group. She happened to be a person I admire greatly in the program and I've been thinking about her talk all week.

(Photo by imelenchon of morgueFile.)

Last week I went to a great meeting where the speaker announced that she wanted to talk about choices. I sat there thinking that this was going to be about the "big stuff" --how to change my job, for starters. But, it was more about the little choices we make each day.

During my growing up years at home we had no choices--- we just did what we were told, like it or not. My alcoholic mother could be violent if we did not do what she wanted. At school it was all about choosing the right thing for our future, such as the right path of study that would get us into a good college and then into a good job. So, really, I was pressure to accept what someone else wanted and not even think about what I wanted.

Another thing about my growing up years was that our family always had money problems that were related to the alcoholism. I could not even choose what to wear or what to eat, because our family had to depend on what other people gave us. I always felt guarded around other people, and embarrassed about our situation. I could not even choose to let my own personality come out.

Later, in a relationship with an alcoholic, I let him direct what I wanted to do or I was afraid to say no to him. He was not violent, but because of my mother deep down inside I felt that all alcoholics would be moody and suddenly violent if provoked by the "wrong" thing. So, I knew Al Anon was for me when I read one of those lists of questions I came across in program literature. One question asked, "Do you believe external forces control you?" Yes-- I realized my whole life was about that.

In Al Anon I've learned that yes, I do have choices about what I do with my life, my time off, or even the next five minutes. I learned that "no" is a choice (and a complete sentence) and what other people think I should do with my time is only their opinion, not an order. I gained the courage to choose to not attend family gatherings where "toxic" people were present or decide that I want to take a break from being around someone who does not treat me respectfully. I also set boundaries with people who wanted to trample on my time-- I asked them to work with me to make reasonable plans beforehand and not expect me to drop everything at the last minute for what they wanted. These things were not easy for me to do but it was better for me in the long run because I did not have to make myself unhappy to satisfy someone else's wishes.

Keeping the focus on ourselves

I posted this in an online Al Anon group and wanted to post it here as well. More details about how I personally handled the issue I allude to will be in my entry "Step 12 and a friend".

(Photo by Harry Fodor.)

I have heard that the only way you are too late for an Al Anon meeting is when you arrive after the closing. Sure enough, one day I went to a meeting that I don't go to very often and mixed up the time. Though I only heard the last few minutes, the last speaker talked about Al Anon's Tradition 10 (The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.) She mentioned that she applied that to herself- when she felt she wanted to jump into other people's business she thought, "I have no opinions on issues outside of my own." I loved this- I now consider it my favorite way to keep the focus on myself.

One of the big issues I had when I first came to Al Anon was "advising" other people all of the time. Now that I try to stay quiet when I want to give advice, life is much easier. The other day at work a coworker mentioned a personal issue that I felt strongly about. I was glad that I didn't say anything because another coworker jumped in and began questioning her all about it. It became very embarrassing for me to hear. I know that the second coworker was only trying to help, but it just made it worse--this was exactly the kind of thing I used to do in the past. I'm glad I didn't get into the "controversy" because I now know it would only have made it worse for both me and  the person with the problem.