Unacceptable Behavior and Character Defects

It is funny how weird things come together in programs like Al Anon. On Sunday I didn't go to church with my boyfriend because he was sick. Instead I went to an Al Anon meeting at a local college. There is a lot of 12 stepping at this place on Sunday. There is a big AA meeting in a basement lecture hall and 2 different Al Anon meetings upstairs in some regular classrooms. I usually go to the Al-Anon meeting that has a speaker on the step of the week.

(Photo by David Lat.)

Well, on Sunday there was a problem with the room for that meeting and so we combined with the other Al Anon meeting, which is where they read the day's passage from Courage to Change and discuss it. The groups were gracious about combining for that day and I heard both the speaker and the September 23rd reading from the book. The reading was about unacceptable behavior and the speaker talked about Step 7 (Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.). In an interesting way they both came together for me.

In the reading the writer described how another program member handled a rude store clerk by acting courteously instead of behaving more aggressively. The writer, like I thought so many times, asked herself why this was happening even though Al-Anon teaches us to not accept unacceptable behavior.  This was a conundrum I had myself for a long time and I realized something with this. "Not accepting" doesn't only mean standing up for yourself but it also means that old Al Anon saying "Don't pick it up if it isn't yours." So, the person in the reading did not engage with the rude clerk -- this was the smartest thing to do as a daily confrontation would get her nowhere. I've been thinking about this kind of thing a lot because my boyfriend is under a lot of pressure and therefore occasionally offensive, rude and argumentative. I have to keep in mind that this tension is his, not mine, and I don't have to take it on and so I don't need to engage with this behavior.

Ahhh...this is where Step 7 comes in, where we humbly ask God to remove our shortcomings. The "humility" part is important here, because I have to put aside my character defects for the good of our relationship. (I like to think of Al-Anon's Tradition 1 for relationship issues: "Our common welfare comes first; personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity.") Yes, I am offended by some petty thing, but where would it get us if I kept harping on it? There are other ways to resolve the problem. Knowing that my boyfriend has a good heart and a strong AA program, I have to trust that he can take his own inventory and manage his own attitudes. I've seen plenty of evidence of this in the past and I know he can come out of this on his own and be a great guy again. 

Al-Anon’s Step 9

Al-Anon’s Step 9: Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

I started this entry 3 weeks ago and I am still procrastinating with it, which tells me that this is still a hard step for me.  I even stopped this to go start next month’s Step 10 entry because I had some good ideas about it in the shower. If you look at my Step 9 tag you can see all of the mini entries that I got off track with.

(Photo by Michael Faes.)

OK, so when I first came to Al-Anon this was on my list of the two scariest steps. Going over my old Al Anon meeting notebooks I realized I don't actually have a lot of notes on Step 9, for all I agonized over it. I do have a note that says, "The point of Step 9 is to plan and act rationally." Thinking about this, I realized that this step asks us to go and make nice with some of the very people who press our buttons or who have hurt us very badly. No wonder it seems so scary!

The scariest thing for me to do was to consider making amends with my alcoholic mother.  She was physically and verbally abusive to me while I was growing up and to some point I am still intimidated by her. Sorting out guilt was a big one for me with this step. My sponsor helped me with this. She helped me see that I was doing the best that I could within the confines of the relationship and I need not go any further until the right time.

Using what I learned in Step 8, I knew that I shouldn't jump to make amends unless I was willing. Now, I also add, “ready” along with “willing”. In my notes I wrote about how this step is about removing obstacles and being quiet helps with this step.

In the Step 9 chapter of Paths to Recovery the writer mentions breaking down the Step 8 list into groups of people we were more or less willing to take action with. This also helped me a lot. I could prioritize and feel like I was doing something to work the step, but then put other issues aside until I was surer about what to do. Also as suggested in the chapter, I could correct harms immediately simply just by changing my behavior towards someone on my list. This helped a lot in my relationship with my boyfriend. I still, in some ways, feel I haven’t “officially” worked this step when it comes to him, but my sponsor assures me that my slow but steady behavioral changes are what is important.

Expecting Amends From Others

I remember that my Dad made a stab at AA back when I was first in college. I was talking to a counselor at school that I could finally relate to (after years of talking to school counselors because of my “crazy” family) and he recommended Al-Anon for me.  But, at the time I thought it was more important for my Dad to get to Alcoholics Anonymous and I just went to kill time in that meeting full of what I thought were cliquish crazy people.

(Photo by Helmut Gevert.)

I remember reading the AA literature and thinking that I couldn’t wait until my Dad got to Step 9, where he would make amends to the people he had harmed. That was the main thing I was focused on, because I felt he had caused so much harm to our family. Well, that never happened because he quit AA after a month or so and since he was my ride to Al Anon I stopped going too.  (Notice that I don’t have a car and often what I do depends on piggybacking on what the alcoholic is doing. This is part of my break from my former home group—I got tired of depending on my boyfriend to get me to the meeting when I should really just manage my meetings on my own.)

So, flash foreword to about 5 years ago, when my boyfriend first became sober. I didn’t have Al Anon but I was wary of it from my earlier experiences. Like many AA members he got a sponsor and started step work right within his first month. He liked talking about all of his step work, which I doubt he would do now that he’s had more experience. (Then he emphasized that he wanted to prove to me that he was working hard at being sober.)  As part of his over-sharing, he told me how it went when he made amends with his ex-wife and children. It stunned me when he said, “I don’t need to make amends with you because you weren’t with me during the worst of my drinking.”

It took me a long time to get over that. Even though I was more mature and didn’t overtly expect him to make amends the way I expected my Dad to do, I was still hurt by this for a long time. What helped me get over it was realizing that he was doing the best he could with the skills he had at the time. I now realize that many parts of his life were very painful and it still continues to be a lot for him to handle. No one can “fix” a lifetime of drinking all at once. I also got over this hurt by recognizing his efforts to be better towards me. He is not one for formal apologies and his way is to just try to do better. But, that is what amends are really about.

Eventual Amends

Lately I've been struggling with a situation that I think will eventually require amends. The situation, right now, is very difficult for me so I think this clouds my thinking. I'm also still going through my Al Anon notes to prepare to write an entry about Step 9 (Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.) I think my current feeling about the amends I think I need to make is leading to procrastination on this entry, but today after sorting out my notes I feel better.

(Photo by Justyna Furmanczyk.)

I made the following notes in different Al-Anon meetings over the past few years. For me, right now, this is what I need to know about Step 9:

• This step is about waiting and being quiet. The opportunity for amends will come at the right time and shouldn't be forced.
• Part of this waiting is backing off and allowing others to see their own mistakes. I don't need to force this either, and backing off allows me to detach enough to see my part in the relationship.
• Being willing to make amends is different from being ready. I feel a willingness in the area I am struggling with but I am not yet ready, and that is OK too.
• I should not giving people power over my own happiness - amends helps settle issues in my mind.
• To make amends I must be willing to bear the discomfort.
• The humility part of Step 7 (Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.) can help with Step 9. I have to learn to put aside things that are not really important to the issue.

There are many other things I can write about with this step, but this is just what I am working on right now. 

The Hardest Steps

This morning I was going through some of my old notebooks to prepare another entry I got to thinking. In my first year or so in Al-Anon Steps 4 and 9 were the most intimidating to me. I went to many meetings on these topics. If a meeting was on one of those steps I was there, with my notebook in hand and my ears wide open.  I knew (or so I thought) that these would be the hardest steps as they would force me to confront my greatest failings and own up to them. It was a long road to these steps, but in the end it ended up quite differently than I imagined.

(Photo by Dani Simmonds.)

I remember making a list of flaws for Step 4 during my first few weeks in Al Anon. I kept it in the back of my meeting notebook and when I heard something at a meeting that sounded like me, I added it to the list. Being an over-achiever, I wanted to get the “hardest” thing out of the way first. For Step 9 my feelings were the opposite. The only thing looming over me with that was the terrifying idea of making amends with my alcoholic mother. She had abused me both physically and emotionally when I was growing up and so I thought our bad relationship was entirely all my fault.(I'll write more about that in an upcoming entry on Step 9.)

The steps are in order for a reason, as many like to say. I do think that elements of the steps show up in each other, though. For example, going to meetings on Step 11 helped me work Steps 2 and 3. I learned that Steps 4 and 9 are linked because they helped me see my true characteristics and my part in my own relationships with others.

Step 4 did take me the better part of a year when I first did it, but I learned a lot and could use it to defend myself in my relationships. If I felt my boyfriend was being manipulative, I could go over what I knew about myself and not bite into what he was saying or doing. As in his relationship with his daughter, he spends a lot of time trying to make me over into what he wants. I learned to realize that what he thinks needs improvement are not necessarily the real issues, and I can defend myself better when he is critical.

Similarly, with Step 9 I realized that I did not need to bite into manipulation because I felt guilty. I do what I can do within the boundaries of that relationship. And, my sponsor taught me that making amends has more to do with changing my behavior rather than anything else. With my boyfriend, I just try to change the way I deal with him and not only does it give me peace of mind, but it helps me not to get into the downward spiral of resentments, arguments and dramatic late night phone calls.

I can’t really say any step is the “hardest” because they each have their own qualities and working them is up to the individual. However, I did learn that they all feed into each other and keeping up with them helps me live a much better life.  

28 Days of Meditation - Week 4

My recent experiences with meditation seem to me to be too emotional and personal to write about, but I did want to share a few things. Last week I finally finished the last week of Yoga Journal’s Meditation Revolution. This series really came together for me with this meditation and I feel that I “get” it more and can see where to use this in daily life.

(Photo by Lily Rosen.)

The focus for week four is the Great Heart. The Day 22 email describes this as “the spaciousness you enter when you move your attention into the back body”. At first I was confused, and thought it was a good idea that I had spent the summer doing back openers in yoga. But, I soon realized that the Great Heart is a Higher Power and the meditation was an intense new connection. I felt this so strongly that I cried through the meditation for most of the days that I did it.  I was having a rough week and doing the meditation first thing in the day helped me feel strong and protected. Also, when thinking of myself as a conduit for my Higher Power I finally felt the energy the emails said I was supposed to feel.

My main goal for the meditation that week was to reduce obsessive thinking. Because of certain things going on, I really, really, really needed that. The meditation gave me tools to use in the outside world. Putting aside thoughts of people is like putting them aside in meditation – observing them and then moving on. Not waiting for the other shoe to drop but saying “I will deal with it if it arises and not bother about it until then.” I was able to do this a few times this week, and while it was a struggle it really helped. 

If you're wondering what happened in Week 3, I tacked it on to the end of the entry called Outdoor Meditation. 

Al-Anon’s Tradition 9

Al-Anon’s Tradition 9: Our groups, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

When I first came to Al Anon I couldn’t figure this tradition out. How could a group work if it was never organized? Weren’t we organized in some way, with the meeting format and World Service? The Al-Anon book Paths to Recovery (in the chapter on Tradition 9) describes Al-Anon as having as a “common structure”. This chapter also mentions “Although not organized in the usual sense of the word, Al-Anon does have a service structure.” (p. 214 in the 1997 edition) This, of course, made me wonder about the difference between organization and structure.

(Photo by Christa Richert.)

The first “Members Share” story in the Paths to Recovery chapter on Tradition 9 tells of how a group became “organized”, which meant lots of procedures that chased people away. Also, the story mentions some members controlled the group and left others out. In the second “Members Share” story (p. 216 in the1997 edition) the Al-Anon member wrote, “Organization implies that some members have power or authority over others.” Making things voluntary means that one person does not decide who does which jobs—rotation of service helps keeps power issues in check. OK, I got this now.

I immediately thought of issues I’ve had with my former home group over the past year. At this time this year I wrote about a conflict in myhome group that now seems to relate to Tradition 9. Some parts of the Members Share stories in Paths to Recovery seem to be just like our situation. The controlling member of our group had one of two keys, had his name on the lease to the meeting space, was the treasurer for years and was in charge of the literature. He had also started the meeting years ago and had been doing all of these things since then. One day I helped him clean up and count money. He gave me a record sheet to fill out, which included a count of how many members were in attendance! He seemed to assume that I knew how to do things his way, as that was how everyone ended up doing it. I just guessed at the number and thought, “Boy, I’ll never help him clean up again!”

That member left after a painful conflict that divided our group. This conflict is one of the reasons I chose to leave my home group as I no longer feel comfortable there and don’t feel that it is healthy.

Notes from meetings I’ve attended on Tradition 9 mention how this tradition relates to Steps 2 and 3- we have to trust the group to a Higher Power. Control issues arise if tradition 9 is not used. This is part of doing your part but not trying to make others do theirs. In our groups we can’t have the feeling that only one person can do things.  It leads to members not feeling equal. Rigid division of labor doesn’t work, as someone pointed out in one of these meetings. We should just let it flow and jump in to help where needed. 

This too shall pass

I've had a rough week, but I've also had some amazing experiences with the week 4 Yoga Journal meditation. I don't feel ready to write about that now, but I wanted to share something that has held me up over the years -- music.

I've been a U2 fan since I was about 13 or 14. I listened to their music without really thinking of the meaning behind it. After I came to Al-Anon, I suddenly became aware of the spiritual messages in their music. I truly believe this is one of the ways my Higher Power reaches me. Sometimes I will have an instinct to put on a certain album, and suddenly the lyrics of a specific song will really jump out at me and seem to really apply to my current situation.

One song that is special to me is Stuck in a Moment from All That You Can't Leave Behind. I know that there is an "official" meaning for this song, but to me this song helps me to realize that bad times aren't permanent and, like the Al-Anon slogan says, "This too shall pass".  I even use the song as a form of meditation. I like to sit quietly and listen carefully to the lyrics because I find them reassuring, especially the ending line:

“...and if your way should falter,
along that stony pass

it’s just a moment,
this time will pass.”

I like the original video, but I also like the simplicity of this live performance. 

Outdoor Meditation

I've been relying a lot on meditation lately. A situation has come up with another person in my neighborhood that I refuse to bite into. However, this is quite a struggle and if I don't watch it, I can get into obsessive thinking. If I can't sleep at night because of this I just put in one of my meditation DVDs, even if I have to play it more than once.  

My meditation spot at Bull Run.

Part of my personal lesson this week is to go on with my life even if other people are trying to turn it upside down. This is all part of restoring myself to sanity, another concept I've been working on. I didn't want to go out of town, but I decided to go with my boyfriend to Mananas, VA for a family party and a visit to the Bull Run battlefield. I'm glad I went because it was a nice rest and nothing happened at home while I was gone. I did get some time to meditate as my boyfriend wanted to spread a blanket out in the grass at Bull Run and nap before we headed to the party. It was my first time doing meditation outdoors and it was a sublime experience. It is amazing how much I heard of nature when I was listening to "nothing".

So, I have been working at meditation even though, according to my notes, it took me 40 days to complete week 3 of Yoga Journal's Meditation Revolution. I don't know why, but I just didn't warm up to that week's meditation. I did get some useful things out of it.

In my last post about this series I mentioned I had trouble with the breathing. This has gotten better since I've been practicing on my own. I still struggle with the idea of meditation creating energy, but I put that on the back burner, figuring that I would just understand it in time. The Yoga Journal email for day 21 mentions that thoughts are energy. Well, that seems obvious, but a good reminder for me right now since I am trying not to waste energy with obsessive thinking.