Fall Workshop Topic #1: Fear

Now that I've had a couple of weeks to think about it, I'm going to write about the topics I explored during our district's 2012 Fall Workshop. One of the reasons that I put this off is that I don’t want to write about fear. Fear is a big issue for me and many of my character defects are rooted in it. Of course, I didn’t want to go to this session of the workshop, but it is a big issue I am working on right now and so I went. Here are a few things that I learned.

(Photo by Joana Croft.)

The first speaker said that fear of abandonment leads to control, but I realized that fear in general leads to control. I could see that in myself easily. The first speaker also read the July 6th page from Hope For Today. This reading discusses putting fear into perspective and having faith in a Higher Power. I need to work the steps first and foremost to keep myself in line when it comes to fear. I also need to relinquish control and trust that I will have confidence in myself to handle situations as they arise. I also have the power to remove myself from any unhealthy situation.

A second speaker discussed being afraid of the alcoholic. They clarified that we may be afraid of the disease of alcoholism, and not the person themselves. This certainly rings true with me. My boyfriend is very gentle and kind. He raised 3 kids, takes care of his elderly mom and loves animals. For me, he is the right combination of gentleness and masculinity. But, at times I was afraid of his for no reason. I later realized that I was anticipating a reaction typical of alcoholics and I would expect this from him before anything. I have since learned to see him as a person and not as a disease.

Al-Anon's Tradition 10

Tradition 10: The Al-Anon family groups have no opinion on outside issues: hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

Al-Anon's Tradition 10 always seems to be one of the easiest traditions to discuss during my home group's monthly tradition meetings. At first, it seems cut and dried: don't link Al Anon with anything not related to it. However, there are some interesting subtitles that have come out as we've discussed this tradition over the years.

(Photo by Carl Dwyer.)

According to my notes on Tradition 10, we have the right to express ourselves in relation to our experience, strength and hope, but yet we should stay out of things that are not our business. Tradition 1 states "Our common welfare should come first." and Tradition 10 backs that up by creating a safe environment for all members. Opinions are distractions from Al-Anon's primary purpose (to help friends and relatives of alcoholics)  and could lead to divisions among members. We can do anything we want on our own time, but we must keep our opinions out of meetings, where the focus is to work on how alcohol has affected us. This is also why crosstalk is not allowed-- we don't want to make judgements on another member's share, but instead we should listen and figure out what we can use from it to improve our own situation. We should look for commonalities among to bring us together. 

According to the Tradition 10 chapter in Paths to Recovery, “outside issues can divert us from our primary spiritual aim.” (P. 220 1997 edition)  We can do anything we want on our own time, but we must keep our opinions out of meetings, where the focus is to work on how alcohol has affected us.  Using this idea as a guide helps us to sort out what is important to discuss in a meeting. While alcoholism is a big problem in society we can’t decide which treatments or social solutions are best during meetings. That would be focusing on others and not on ourselves. Opinions also disrupt the healthy atmosphere of the group by giving one person more attention than others. This distracts from other members who also need attention for personal matters. The chapter on Tradition 10 also mentions,  “Not taking a stand supports inclusiveness.” (P. 221 1997 edition.)

When people bring up outside opinions during Al Anon meetings we should not react but talk calmly to them about it instead. Since many members have a fear of conflict, Al Anon meetings provide a safe place to test our new skills in this respect. We learn to express ourselves without getting involved in other people’s business. As my sponsor often says, “Say what you mean without saying it mean.”

Al-Anon’s Step 10

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Al-Anon’s Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sometimes I wonder, do I ever really work this step? I know I do in some way, but I often feel like I didn’t because I wasn’t doing it in the way people talk about. It seems that the most popular way for people to do step 10 is to review their day while they are in bed waiting to go to sleep. I usually just want to go to sleep. But, like all of the steps, there is more than one way to work them.

(Photo by Carl Dwyer.)

I don’t have many notes for Step 10 in my Al-Anon meeting notebooks. It seems to be a bit of a neglected step in my area. I do have notes that say Step 10 helps identify what is blocking further progress. This is the step to use when you hit the wall. One member referred to it as "cleaning your mind". It is about asking yourself, "What is the lesson I need to learn from this?" Learn it and move on in peace.

My number one way to work Step 10, I think, is to just go to meetings. This is a quiet place where I can detach from what is going on around me and try to think more. This blog is another good way to reflect. I also know people that go through the Step 4 workbook, Blueprint for Progress every single year, but I don’t. Sometimes I will review a section or two on an appropriate topic, but I found that I over-thought my fourth step by using Blueprint for Progress and so I take it gently.

According to Paths to Recovery some people call Step 10 a “maintenance step” while others call it a “continuous growth” step. I prefer continuous growth. The chapter on Step 10 also emphasizes using all the previous steps, such as asking God to remove our shortcomings when we realize we are wrong. I always took “and promptly admitted it” to be about apologizing, but then I realized it is more about my relationship with my Higher Power. Only by doing this can I see the appropriate way for amends. After all, we are first powerless over other people and must think and take the next right action if we want things to be settled.

Intimacy

(Illustration by Rafael Marchesini.)

In the third session of the Fall 2010 workshop I went to a session on intimacy. This, I knew, was a hard topic for me because I've never allowed many people to get close to me. Even now, I have few friends, though Al Anon allows me to be more social that I used to be. In fact, I go to so many Al Anon events because they are “safe”. I know many of the people and I know there will be no drinking. However, socializing outside of Al Anon continues to be a struggle. Because I came from the "crazy" alcoholic family I never wanted people to know my secrets and I was ashamed of just everything about myself. I had no idea of how to have a "normal" friendship. So, here are some of my notes from the past fall workshop session on intimacy.

Intimacy starts with letting others love you. Not being yourself around people prevents intimacy. And, depending on yourself to solve everything  all of the time prevents engaging with other people. The difficult part of intimacy comes when you have to tell people things you don't want to tell them or that  you willl know they won't like. When people talk about intimate things you love them more.

I just realized that Al Anon and the 12 steps are all about fostering intimacy. Telling another human being about your shortcomings and they will listen without judgment. Learning to accept yourself after seeing that other people accept you for what you are.

Loosening Up on Finances

This is another reflection on my Al Anon's district workshop for the Fall of 2010. That day I picked a session on Finances to go to. I thought I never had trouble with fiances because I am a penny pincher. Yet, somethign about that workshop appealed to me. I thought I would be the only one there who wasn't a crazy compulsive spender, but I've found that being afraid to spend money is also a problem worthy of attention.

I have always been reluctant to spend money. I pay my bills on time, and shop at thrift stores and in discount places. I clip coupons and stock up on groceries when they are on sale. Saving money for me is a sport. So, I thought that since I didn't have any problems with this I was good with my money. It wasn't until I came to Al Anon that I realized my penny pinching wasn't fair to myself and that I should learn to loosen up and use my money a little better.

(Photo by Svilen Milev.)

I grew up in an alcoholic home where there was never any money. The bills were not paid and we sometimes did not have any food. Since my mom was not capable of doing the grocery shopping I was the one to go to the supermarket. I was often caught between my parents as I struggled to pick out the groceries my mother wanted and still buy them with the funds my father gave me.

As I sat in that workshop that day I learned that I was seeing money in a highly personal way. I was afraid to let go of my money because of what I went though as a kid. One of the first things I did after coming to Al Anon was to eat up all of the stockpiled food I had in my cupboards, refrigerator and freezer. I realized that I am an adult and I can take care of myself. I also should trust in my Higher Power for help.

During the workshop that day I learned that detachment can help with money issues. Other people, like an accountant, can help with skills that don't have. Yes, so even though I am bad at math and have no idea of what to do with investments (and I have no interest in obtaining these skills) I still can hire a professional to help me.

After that workshop I spent some time looking at my money and figuring out how to be more efficient with it. I put together a budget on mint.com  and for the first time in my life I set aside money for self care, such as gym membership and new clothes. I took a good look at what I needed. As a penny pincher I didn't need to cut back, but rather I needed to loosen up and treat myself better by spending my hard earned money on myself.

Working the Al-Anon Program

I know I said I was going to write about the topics from this year's Fall Workshop, but it got me thinking about years past and I thought I'd write about some of those topics first. Besides, I want more time to think about recent issues before I write about them. 

(Photo by Svilen Milev.)

In October of 2010 I attended a Fall Workshop in my area. The first session I went to on that day had the topic of "Working the Program". Now, if someone talked to me about working the program today I would say that I attend regular meetings (especially when I don't want to go) and think about the 12 Steps on a regular basis. I also regularly read Al Anon literature, share my thoughts in this blog and try harder to connect with other Al Anon members (my weak spot).  At the time of the Fall 2010 workshop I had been in the program just under a year and was stressing about finding an Al-Anon sponsor. I went to this session in hopes of gaining some insight about that. Instead I have some more general notes about working the program.

There were two speakers for that session and the first woman talked about looking at our own behavior before looking at others. She mentioned the value of being silent--something I've worked on a lot over the years. There is the Al Anon slogan W.A.I.T.-, as in, "Why am I talking?" I don't always add something by going on, and as someone said in a recent meeting, "Mention it once and I am giving my opinion. Mentioning it more that that is nagging." Also, I don't always have to bite into what someone says and respond right away. I can take my time to think about it, or not respond at all.

Being silent plays into detaching from criticism, which is another note I have from that workshop. I am very sensitive to criticism because of the alcoholics I grew up with. I have to remember that criticism is just one person's opinion and it is not necessarily right or wrong. If I feel that other people are sucking the life out of me I can stop and figure out what I am doing to allow this.

The second speaker in that meeting touched on the more spiritual side of working the program. He mentioned daily quiet time and working to stay in the present. He also talked about the value of forgiveness and gratitude for peace of mind. We can help ourselves by being flexible and balanced.

As far as sponsorship, I learned that asking someone to be your sponsor is often the first step towards asking for help. Several other newer members were at that meeting, and it seemed that many of us were worried about finding sponsors above everything else. I didn't get any instant or easy solutions, but, as the speaker said, "Al-Anon is a self help group but it isn't DIY." (Do it yourself.) We have to get used to the fellowship and asking others for help, which is what we do when we ask someone to sponsor us. When and how we do that is our choice and we just have to do it in our own time, no matter how long it takes. 

The Fall Workshop

Every year a district in our area has a fall workshop. This is one of my favorite Al-Anon events in our area. There are 3 sessions during the workshop, with a break for lunch. There are 4 topics to choose from during each time slot and they are like little meetings on a theme, with 2 speakers first for each topic. I always get a lot out of this workshop and I plan to make some entries on each of the topics I attended meetings on.

(Photo by spekulator.)

The big thing was that this year Boyfriend's Daughter came. She only went to that one meeting where I spoke but I knew that the workshop would be a good chance to invite her again. I was glad she came and Boyfriend got over his grumpiness with her enough to give her a ride. I was worried that she would be overwhelmed but she took to it right away because the first session offered a discussion on a topic that she talked about really struggling with recently, so she went off to that on her own. She did bail out during the last session but instead talked one-on-one to an experienced member for the whole time, so that was good too.

I was happy to show her around and introduce her to everybody. Another reason I wanted to invite her was that I wanted her to meet all of the good people and at these events there are so many gathered in the same place.

Monday, Monday, Oh How I Hate That Day

I didn't used to have a bad attitude about Monday, but I do these days. Lately starting a new work week seems like such a drag. Earlier in September I had worries on the home front but now I am feeling weighted down by things at work and I'm wondering how to break out of it.

A couple of years ago I realized that I had a horrible attitude towards my job (the one I still have now). It is not a bad job and rather good for me, but I just didn't see it. I remember another Al Anon member saying in a meeting that she had been at her job forever and she felt that it was the only job she could do and that she would never be able to get a different job. I felt that way too, and sometimes, to some extent, I still feel that way.

(Photo by Mario Alberto Magallanes Trejo.)

What helped me then was to do a mini 4th Step related only towards my job. That helped me figure out that I had issues with my boss. I have since settled those old problems and now that part of my work life is quite comfortable. Also then, I realized that I loved my students and that they were the best part of my job. That has always been the most consistent part of things at my job and one of the main reasons why I stayed in it. Surprisingly, that has changed and I can't figure out why.

I thought that maybe I should do another mini 4th step but my brain is so muddled that I can't think of where to begin with it. Even though I usually save all of my Al Anon writing I, for some reason, didn't save that. I did decide that I should, instead, think about each student I have today and think about something that I "got" from them. Like a 4th step inventory, I realized that this includes both positive and negative.

Student 1: an interesting discussion about Chinese traditional painting and a contemporary artist.
Student 2: exercising patience
Student 3: Exercising Patience and suppressing frustration. 
Student 4: Suppressing Frustration but enjoying watching her work hard at puzzling things out
Student 5: entertaining conversation with a student I really get along with about the use of various English words

Student 6: exercising patience but still enjoying her pleasant personality.

On top of this I was alone in the office with the boss because we have a small office, there is no workstudy during the day, and the administrative person was out. Even though I was fully booked with students I had to juggle several things while my boss sat on his office and watched sports on the internet. (You can tell what kind of husband he would be.) So far this semester, my pleas to have a workstudy during the day have gone over his head.

So, um, I clearly need to work on patience and resolving my frustration, but there is still plenty to love about my students.