Accepting Others' Limitations

One of the early lessons I learned in Al-Anon (and one of my chronic problems, really) is that I shouldn't put all of my emotional eggs in the alcoholic's basket. I have to accept that my boyfriend is limited and he is doing the best he can with what he has. I realize that when I am heavily depending on my boyfriend to meet all of my emotional needs I need to do some sort of self examination.

(Photo by Nate Brelsford.)

Part of the reason I am depending on him so much is that I feel I am not clicking with my sponsor. The past few weeks she has also been rather grumpy towards me and it is a challenge for me to call her. So, I've been avoiding her. Since Step 7 seems to be everywhere I am these days I thought I should work on the "humility" part of that step and give her a call, even though I didn't want to.

I didn't go to the Al Anon meeting where I usually see her on Saturday because I had a headache. My boyfriend went alone. When I talked to her she assumed that I wasn't there because I was "emotionally overwrought", which meant that I think she thinks I am some kind of dramatic teenager. I got a little grumpy and said that no, I was sick and just because Boyfriend and I don't show up at the same meeting every time, it doesn't mean we are having problems. (Normally I go to about 1-2 other meetings a week without him, in my own neighborhood. Most people in those meetings don't know him.) She backed off and was a little nicer. I think one of my problems is I need to try and be a little more assertive in talking about what I need to talk about instead of letting her assume and then getting mad about it.

A little later in the conversation I talked about how Boyfriend and I seemed to dependent on each other lately because we are both having problems and need each other so much. I said, "I feel like we are tied together with a rope and are each pulling the other through a swamp." She talked about relationships a bit and then said, "Well, I don't know because I had the best husband and we didn't often argue."

This was  a big light bulb moment for me. Her father was an alcoholic, her son was one but her husband was not an alcoholic. In Al-Anon we try to see similarities in other people's stories because no matter who is the alcoholic, there are common issues. But, she was romantically paired with a "normal" man and I have an alcoholic. As hard as she tries, she may not be able to totally see my position, the same way I know I can't fully understand her relationship with her alcoholic son, as I have no kids. Like with my boyfriend, I have to accept that she is doing the best that she can with what she has and let it go at that.

Sponsor Woes

So, the other night I was telling my boyfriend that I had revived my blog and we had an interesting discussion about why an Al-Anon or AA member would have a blog. He seems to think that this violates the traditions in some way. I let him know that if it is anonymous and the blogger makes clear that this is his/her personal opinion and not the official opinion of the program, it can be quite beneficial. I told him that I could spread out and write more about my feelings and also talk about things that I probably wouldn't talk about in a meeting. For example, my feelings about my sponsor.

(Photo by ilco of stock.xchng.)

As I mentioned before I feel that I need to find a new Al Anon sponsor. I am not comfortable with how she handles things. I feel like when I call her I must be on the defensive because she always assumes that I am not behaving properly towards my boyfriend even though I haven't yet told her  a thing. She also assumes that I am having a problem with him, even though I have several alcoholics in my life. One of the main complications is that she is friends with both my boyfriend and myself. He is a double winner and we often attend the same adult child oriented Al Anon meeting, of which my sponsor is my longtime member. (A group that I used to consider my home group -- but more about that another day. I do go to a couple of meetings a week alone, where few people know him.) Often when I call her she wants to talk only about him and his moods but not about me. I feel like I am in his shadow in so many ways with both her and that particular group. She is also often worried about his drinking again. I think that this is counter-intuitive to the Al Anon program and as part of my program I have to trust him--it doesn't help that she brings it up so much.

While I was reading an excellent blog by an AA member they spoke about being "fired" by a sponsee. So, I Googled something like "fire your sponsor" and got a post from the blog Through an Al-Anon Filter called "I Feel Like My Sponsor Judges Me". Wow, this post really hit me head on. Even though I still attend meetings regularly I feel estranged from Al-Anon these days. This is why I've turned to the internet and blogging again. I really just want to talk to people who don't know who I am and won't judge me based on my relationship with one particular alcoholic.

The Benefit of all Beings

Week 2 of the 28 days of meditation (which is actually called Meditation Revolution) seems to be going better. I now do it in the morning as I get it in my email. Since I am just waking up I am still in a quiet phase.

(Photo by ldesign of stock.xchng.)

I never paid much attention to the notes in the daily emails because it seemed like tips I had heard before. Today I did read the Day 9 email and it mentioned how meditation mainly benefits us after it is over. In the week 2 recording the woman mentions using your practice "for the benefit of all beings" several times. At the end she invites the listener to offer your meditation for someone else.

I found that thinking briefly about someone in this way can be a way to focus on someone I need to improve my relationship with and extend some love and gratitude for having them in my life. It can be a way to work Al-Anon's Step 10, which is to review your recent actions and think of how to correct any problems.

Speaking of gratitude, an old favorite yoga DVD of mine asks the viewer at the end to touch your folded hands to your forehead and offer thanks for your yoga practice. I like that idea and have added it to the end of every yoga practice I do. It is a brief time for me to get in touch with my Higher Power and express a little gratitude instead of focusing on my problems.

28 Days of Meditation -- Week One

Al Anon's Step 11-- Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

OK, so I didn't think I was working on Step 11 but it sort of snuck up on me. As I mentioned before, I started Yoga Journal's 28 days of meditation email series (Is that what you call these things?) and I just completed week one , so here is what I went through.

(photo bytung072 of stock.xchng.)

Most of the meditation I do normally is through yoga. I came to yoga about 4 or 5 months after I began Al-Anon and it has helped me tremendously because it seems that the ideas in both are similar. That is a whole 'nother post, but I could never sit still before I came to Al Anon. Starting with the physical activity of yoga and having a short meditation as part of the routine was the only way to calm my mind in the beginning. This spring I felt I was ready for more and I bought a meditation CD, but never really used it much. So, I signed up for the Yoga Journal thing and forgot about it until it started and I began getting the emails.

The first night was good, but the next night I didn't want to do it, even though I did. This is also where my resistance comes in. I could never really grasp the part about breathing in yoga and this is also important for meditation, and of course the first week in 28 Days is a breath meditation. On day 3 I decided that I was "bored" and also skipped day 4. I did pick it up again on day 5 and I made myself do it though, and I felt a bit more settled by day 7. Some days I did my regular yoga practice before beginning and other days I just started. That seemed to make no difference.

I liked some of the imagery in the week one breath meditation, such as imagining yourself inhaling and exhaling little particles of light. I remembered a previous meditation from somewhere else where I was asked to imagine inhaling light and exhaling toxic things. I did that at first for this one but then I didn't like the idea of myself filled with black toxic gas and went on with inhaling and exhaling little particles of blue and white light. That image has been useful to me over the week, as I tend to be a very visual person who finds blue and white very soothing.

What did I learn from week one? My yoga meditation is all about settling my body and mind. The key word here is settle. It took me  a few years of yoga just to do that and going deeper is a challenge.

Out of Sorts

I had actually forgotten that I was writing in this blog. I'm surprised that it has so many entries in it. But, I got back to it after looking up some Al-Anon blogs so I could get a fresher perspective on the program. I now want to return to writing here to help me figure some things out.

My Higher Power has been working me hard this summer but now I feel like I've come to a point where I am a bit burned out and I am not sure what to do next. I am under a lot of stress and find myself fighting with my boyfriend when he needs me most, which is most horrible. I am also out of sorts with my sponsor and in the back of my mind I want to find somebody else. But, that is not a priority at this point as I haven't had a chance to talk to her about my discomfort yet. 

(Photo by code1name of stock.xchng.)

A couple of things I'll go more into later, when I gather my thoughts better:

1.) What step am I on? I've been in Al Anon long enough to have done all the steps, but then I also think that opportunities to think about or work the steps occur regularly as they help maintain my daily life. Maybe this is because the easiest meetings for me to get to are step meetings. Anyway, it seems that Step 7 has been haunting me in recent meetings, so, even though I am resistant, I should take another look at that one. At the very least, it will keep me from being adrift in the program, which I fear may be happening.

2.) Service Opportunities (Step 12)- At the end of July I will be the speaker at a small meeting that I am fond of and the topic should loosely relate to (what else?) Step 7. I'm also responsible for setting the topic/sharing for an online group that I belong to in August. One way that my thinking has changed since I was in Al-Anon is that in the past I would have sweated over this and planned it down to the last degree. Now I just mull it over in the back of my mind and let my Higher Power guide me to the final topic almost at the last minute. I still make notes, both for my own step work and also because I am a terrible public speaker who forgets everything without notes.

3.) Meditation- I also just realized that Step 11 is coming in through the back door a bit as well. Last month I signed up for Yoga Journal's 28 day Meditation Revolution and then forgot about it until the emails began arriving last week. I'm giving it the old college try but, as usual, I am resistant so it is not easy. I'll mull over this in a future entry.

4.) Art and Writing- OK, the big main thing that I forgot about with this blog is my art and writing because I had intended to use this as a place to take things in a new direction. Now I feel I'm in a quiet resting phase with that but I will explain that more later.

The Artist's Way Check-in: Week 5

I appear to be stuck in week 5. At the beginning of the week I dwelled on some issues from week 4 and never got back to thinking about some of the exercises in week 5. Now, the end of the week is usually so busy that I know I won't get a chance to work on these things until the weekend, but we have our big fall Al Anon workshop this weekend, too. So, I'm going to be in a holding pattern and re-think week 5 and perhaps doing more of the exercises.

The chapter for week 5 is actually called "Recovering a Sense of Possibility."  I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the ideas of possibility for myself. I can't even think beyond today some times.

Yesterday I went to an Al Anon meeting and got a chance to talk about this a bit. I am totally stuck on "possibility". I often think that possibility is not for me but I have to work on opening up myself to it. A lot of this is tied into self worth. I have to think I am worth it before I can think that things are possible. This week I'm trying to simply think about possibility and meditate on it. I often have trouble with meditation but I am trying to work on that a little bit this week. I've listened to some meditations on YouTube as away to get some guidance. Here is a meditation on possibility. I don't agree with everything in the video but it gave me some good things to think about.

Farmville Deprivation

So, for week 4 in The Artist's Way I was supposed to impose a reading ban on myself. I have many issues with this, of course. I never have time to read in the first place and really miss it.

I had several concerns with the reading ban as outlined in the book. First, Julia Cameron says that artists are addicted to words and reading too much keeps us from getting in touch with our inner self. Well, in the modern world we could say the same about television, the internet or any other electronic entertainment device.

( photo by Hervé Lejeune )

 I can see reading as a form of escapism because when I was young I read all of the time. Back then I would say that a reading ban might have done me some good but I am no longer 14 with my nose constantly stuck in a book. I am 41 and I hardly get to my books. I do have to read a lot at work -- students come in and hand me papers that I have to discuss with them right then and there. In The Artist's Way Julia Cameron cheekily says that artists are “creative” in getting out of what they don't want to do and so we can rely on those skills to get out of the reading we need to do for the week, even if it involves work. Um, no. I would get fired. Plus, I think that is an inappropriate attitude for people trying to improve themselves, as they must surely be when they are using The Artist's Way.

The reading ban is one of the things in the book that makes me think it is a one-size-fits-all program. I would rather think about what would work for me and then try that. Especially since in week 3 she asks us to examine our use of time and identify unnecessary time consuming habits. My most outstanding time-consuming unnecessary habit is Farmville.

Yes, you laugh.  I'm glad this blog is anonymous. On my regular Facebook page I set up filters so my non-Farmville playing friends won't know about my terrible habit of begging for logs, wrenches, animal feed, watering cans and horse tiaras. I also set up 2 other Facebook pages with the purpose of playing against myself and having more room to "farm". Every morning I get up, make coffee, and spend the first hour of the day with Farmville. When I am home doing other work on the computer, I keep going back and forth to Farmville. I can't stay away from it. Also, many of my Facebook friends gave it up but one friend is chronically ill and often housebound. She plays ALL DAY LONG and her enthusiasm often sweeps me up. It gives me a little bit of a way to connect with her, I guess, even if it is in a dysfunctional way.

A couple of weeks ago I decided it would be easiest to start the Farmville ban when I went to the beach because I would be without easy internet access for a few days. That is not so simple because when I went in August I was in the middle of one of the quests and went to the local free wifi spot to work on my farms. This time, even though I had my netbook, I only used it to work on exercises from The Artist's Way or other constructive writing things.

I felt victorious when I got home the last night of the trip and did not turn on my computer in the middle of the night, as I would have done in the past.

After that it seemed smoother sailing. It was a busy work week and I had no time for unnecessary things. I am proud of myself because I didn't even look at Farmville for 8 days. My higher power sent me some writing work and some other constructive things to do.

I did try Farmville over the days after that but it now seems very irritating, time consuming and useless. And, my housebound friend is so sick of the elaborate quests that she wants to give it up too. So, there. I can say I got infinitely more out of that than the reading deprivation.