I miss you...but stay away

Well, I've had a busy week. For the first part of it I was grumpy and out of sorts but now that seemed to have calmed down and I can sort it out a bit.

I think I was grouchy primarily because I work in a college and orientation was last week. I promised to do that months ago and couldn't wiggle out of it, but then Boyfriend said he had a turn at the family beach house and if I didn't take it with him we wouldn't be able to go back until mid-October, Of all weekends, after having so much free time this summer... (In our office we spend the summer swapping recipes and talking to the occasional grad student. During the school year it is the complete opposite--no time to breathe.) He tried to pressure me but I put my foot down. I had to even work on the weekend and couldn't even do an overnight. Thankfully, he rounded up his son and best friend and they had Man Weekend. I was glad to have him out of my hair.

(Photo by Maja Pi.)

I felt bad, but I gently encouraged him to stay away and not come back early on account of me. Even though I was busy at work I wanted what little time I had alone. It seemed that I went through a lot with him earlier in the month and then spent the last few weeks figuring it out and trying to separate from him a little bit. Not separate as in break up, but more like reaching a new level of detachment and  I wanted to work on that  a bit.

When he came back I could have seen him that evening but brushed him off. I just didn't want to rush back into his arms after having the weekend to myself. Normally, during orientation he makes a big deal about not being able to see me and then pressures me to give him all of my free time, which isn't much. I just wanted to avoid that this year.

Though, we did talk on the phone and he came to pick me up from work yesterday so it worked out. Tonight we have a date and on Saturday we are driving out of state for a family birthday party. I don't want to get back on the roller coaster of giving him all of my free time so I told him that if we were going on this road trip I didn't want to see him on Friday (my first day off since early last week) and he seemed OK with that.

Finding a Sponsor in Al-Anon

I noticed lately that people are finding my blog by Googling "resistance to AlAnon". I guess I should write about my own experience with that ( as I have plenty), but on the search results page for that I found an interesting recovery web site called The Fix. I don't know if this site is endorsed by the different 12 step programs they talk about, but there are some interesting and honest essays on it. One that I find particularly thought provoking today is "Al-Anon Sponsor Seeking" by Malina Saval. In a way, my own experience in finding a sponsor showed a resistance to Al Anon simply because I made it too stressful and didn't step back and let it proceed naturally. .

(Photo by ChangHyun Bang.)

In the essay Saval mentions that her husband found a sponsor in his 12 step program in short order and she was still trying after a year. This is about what happened to me. Part of it is, AA and Al Anon are different programs, even if they look the same. The AA way is to get started right away, preferably with someone who will kick your ass. Al Anon is a lot different. I agonized over finding a sponsor for the first year, mainly because I was listening to my boyfriend's AA version of how to do it. I though that there was something wrong with me, and like Saval, I felt that I wasn't working the program the way you are "supposed" to. (After talking about this at a meeting a kind member later told me, "There are no "musts" in Al Anon.")

I also remember being determined to find a sponsor in some way. One year I went to our district's fall workshop thinking that I could make that be the day, because I knew lots of black belt Al Anon ladies were coming from all over. I looked at everyone, wondering if this was it, could they be my sponsor? Of course, I left empty handed.

Meanwhile, I went to meetings and heard people talk about how it took them a year, three years, or even 10 years to find a sponsor and begin working the steps. That made me feel better. And finally, one day I went to coffee with a bunch of people after the meeting and asked my sponsor if she would work with me. It just felt right at that time, which was odd after all of that agonizing.  I had heard her talk at my very first AlAnon meeting and thought she was crazy, but over time I realized that she spoke the truth and thought she was just like me. Surprised, she accepted and began helping me with my 4th step.

In the essay Saval mentions asking someone to do "a step or two" with her and the person responds by rebuffing her with an "all or nothing" attitude. I have to say, many Al Ann members suggest Saval's approach. If it is too hard to ask someone to be your sponsor you can ask them to try it out temporarily or ask them to help you with a step. That helped my psychologically, even though I didn't do it. I, at least, knew there was a small way to begin and that made it easier.

Al-Anon’s Step 8

Al Anon’s Step 8:  Made a list of all persons we have harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

It helped me to approach this step by using some of the techniques outlined in the Step Eight chapter of Paths to Recovery: Al-Anon’sSteps, Traditions and Concepts.To work Step 8 I first consulted my list of character defects from Step 4. I found out that it was the best way to sort out if I had harmed somebody, but feeling shameful and guilty still had me later adding people that didn’t belong. 

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

Next I made a little chart showing the people closest to me and then went out to people that were not so close. Then, I made another little chart where I listed the names under the headings “Amends are possible”, “I do what I can do”, “People from the past” and “?”. The “?” was very long, but my sponsor helped me to see that some of those people were probably not harmed and some were too far in the distant past to agonize over.

I then took the names of the people closest to me and wrote notes for “How harmed?” and “Appropriate amends”. I know some people can’t approach how to do amends during this step, but I used my inventory and talked to my sponsor about it. Seeing a way to make the amends and having a plan for this helped me to become willing—it wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be.

Needless to say, all of this list making took a long time. At first I didn’t know who to put on it, aside from the people immediately closest to me, but then it seemed that everyone I ever knew ended up on it. During this process I learned to separate my ideas of shame from the genuine need to make amends. This is why so many people from elementary and middle school ended up on the list. I was also surprised that I could eliminate most names from the “I do what I can do” list because my sponsor helped me realize I was already trying to do the best that I could within the boundaries of those relationships. 

I also learned that being willing was also different than being obligated. I felt like a kid who’s mom makes them say they were sorry when they didn’t really mean it. But, after all of this sorting out I could understand my own behavior better and how it was harmful to others. Being willing didn’t happen overnight, but it did eventually happen for a lot of the people on my list of people closest to me. Now I know that if I have trouble making amends to someone else I can take my time and wait until I am truly willing. Not only will I better understand why I did things, but my amends will be genuine and I will be able to more easily settle my mind.

Al-Anon's Tradition 8

Al-Anon’s Tradition 8: Al-Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

(Photo by Dimitris Kritsotakis.)

The traditions aren’t big in my area, so I’ve only been to one meeting that discussed Tradition 8. To me this tradition directly relates to Step Twelve: Having had a spiritual awakening, we tried to carry this message to others and to practice these principals in all our affairs. We can each use our gifts as volunteers to spread the word about the program.

Another way this tradition helps is to not give newcomers the impression that they are being “sold” a particular philosophy that may chase them away. We announce at the beginnings of the meetings to keep outside religions and professions out of the discussion. This helps members (newcomers in particular) realize that their opinions are just as valid as others, “professional” or not. It makes people’s shares more human and we can better identify with one another.

Since I am not a professional in any job that this would apply to, I have to remember for myself that I am not a professional and I don’t need to give unsolicited advice about medical care, mental illness, legal matters or other things on which I am not qualified to give advice on.

Tradition 8 is another measure that keeps us equal. I know that people who have been in the program for years and years come in suffering as if it were their first day. We can’t lord it over each other because focusing on others keeps us from focusing on ourselves.

I assume that the “special workers” means people who get paid, or else there probably wouldn’t be enough volunteers to run some of the day-to-day functions of the office. No group can ask the few who are willing to work for free to take on extra work all of the time. I’m sure this would bring out the martyrs, which is a character defect that the Al Anon program often addresses and helps members to eliminate. 

Al-Anon's Step 7

Al-Anon’s Step 7: Humbly ask (our Higher Power) to remove our shortcomings.

(Photo by Maxime Perron Caissy.)

It seemed like step 7 was everywhere in July (duh, the 7^th month) and now that I’ve hashed it over so much in my mind I almost didn't want to write about it for my step of the month entry then. I realized, after struggling with thinking about this step so much, is that at that point I was supposed to look at the “humility” part. This is what I focused on when I was the speaker at a small group recently, which asks that we speak on something loosely related to the step of the month.

To make speaking easier I usually go off of a passage from one of the books. For step 7 I picked the June 9 reading from the Courage to Change Al-Anon daily reader. This reading talks about confusing humility with humiliation. That has been a chronic problem for me over the years. I grew up in a faith that taught that. We were told to be subservient to others and to set our own needs aside for people who needed it more. This was reinforced by the events in my alcoholic home, where the adults were unable to do the daily tasks they were responsible for and so we kids took that over. It was a way of life to thanklessly do the tasks adults should do to make the household function, like laundry, grocery shopping, and due dates (or more likely, past due dates) for the bills. 

Also, my mother often said abusive or inappropriately sexual things to me as a kid. I thought that being humiliated by the alcoholic was “normal”. After all of that abuse I didn’t understand how anyone could just like me for myself.

So, as an adult I was wrapped up in doing for others and not for myself. I needed to be needed and was used to being constantly needed in situation where others were dysfunctional. Defects that arose from the lack of humility include arrogance (I know what is best for other people) selfishness and over-dependence on the alcoholic. Without realizing it, I was making myself another person’s Higher Power. I also made the alcoholic my Higher Power because I was too insecure to trust my own thoughts and feelings.

When I first came to Al-Anon I couldn’t understand the idea that I am selfish--how can I be selfish if I am always doing for others? The answer is that I do for others because I think if I don't they won't stop loving me or I need them to do what they want me to do. The Al Anon welcome for some groups say, “Our thinking becomes distorted and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it.” Because I was used to thinking for that alcoholic I thought I should think for everyone else, too, and force my will upon them.

Humility, as I define it, is to be honest about our own shortcomings and allow that we are not another person's higher power. Humility is one of the big elements in the Al Anon program and is first present in step one, when we admit we are powerless over alcohol.

In Al Anon we learn to surrender things to our own Higher Power but I also learned to remember that other people have their own Higher Power and I am not it. I have to trust that their Higher Power will look after them and that when that person makes what I consider mistakes I can't cushion them because their HP may be giving them something to learn from.

Shackin' Up With Jesus

Today I went to church with my boyfriend. It is a Methodist church, but we aren't Methodists. We started going at the invitation of Boyfriend's Daughter and this proved to be a rare and non-confrontational way to spend time with her. She has since become a member. We don't go every week, about twice a month. I don't want to get into talking about my long struggle to define a Higher Power, but I've never been back to the church of my origin, and it took me a long time to be comfortable at any church service. Now, boyfriend and I alternate between this and another church, simply because we feel comfortable and happy in both places.It also provides a way to discuss our beliefs and values.

(Photo by Irina Martynuk.)

Today, the pastor asked to speak with us both after the service and she wanted to ask us to consider becoming members. (Typical of my boyfriend, he assumed that she had asked for him only and asked me to wait for him until they were done.) I know that this is probably a natural outcome of regularly attending one church, but I felt a little cornered by the discussion.

This minister is big on service to the church and often makes that a part of her sermon. I told her that I didn't live nearby and didn't have a car. I only come with Boyfriend and since I couldn't get there by myself I wouldn't be able to do what most members do. She said that didn't matter but then said that she wanted to grow her membership because it was unfair to call upon the same people to do things around the church. She wanted to press this further with me, but luckily Boyfriend's ego intruded and he wanted to tell her all about himself, directing the attention away from me.  To conclude, she said we were "shackin' up with Jesus" when we needed to make more of a commitment.

Afterwards, this reminded me a bit of my dilemma with my former Al Anon home group. It was the first Al Anon group that I went to. Boyfriend thought I should go to some meetings and volunteered to take me to the first available meeting since he was curious about it himself.  This turned to be an adult child oriented meeting far from where I live.

Even though I loved the group once, I always had to turn down service opportunities because I couldn't get there without boyfriend. Plus, I always felt like I was in his shadow, because he is the more outgoing one who is very attention seeking. People there often asked about him, but not me. If we weren't stuck together all of the time, people thought there was something wrong and we became a source for gossip. That is really against the Al Anon principals and not why I go to meetings.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't go with him to my former home group and it felt great. I went to the farmer's market and saw people I know from Al Anon in my neighborhood, so it was a little "meeting before the meeting" discussion. I found out that a Saturday morning group that used to be in the building where I work was switched to another place. (For obvious reasons, I didn't feel comfortable going to it.) An Al Anon friend reached out to me and invited me to the meeting and so I went. It was nice. I got what I needed, and I didn't miss boyfriend at all.

I don't know which group I will pick for my home group but it will be a group that Boyfriend never goes to and it will be close enough to where I live so I can do service regularly. My Al Anon service is usually related to events like luncheons or online because I hate leading groups. I used to secretary in small groups and may go back to that again. 

Restoring Ourselves to Sanity

Last week I got a great new stress relief yoga DVD. AS I've been doing the practices, the teacher on the DVD seems to be emphasizing "restoring ourselves to our natural flexibility." I think, "What, from when I was a baby??" I had similar resistant thoughts about the frequently mentioned phrase "restoring ourselves to sanity" in my early days of Al Anon. No one likes to think of themselves as insane, and certainly I didn't. But, over the years of attending Al Anon meetings I've come to see a less harsh idea of this.

(Photo by Electron of Wikimedia Commons.)

First, my personality. I always thought that to be withdrawn, depressed, nervous and shy were my natural personality traits. I almost couldn't believe memories I had of myself as a child, before alcoholism took over my family. I remember one time a boy I knew had a birthday party but I wasn't invited. I actually knocked on the door of his family's home and asked the mom why I wasn't invited! I certainly didn't have those kind of balls when I was an adult but now I am learning to grow a pair in Al Anon. (By the way, his mom said the party was for boys only, but she gave me a big piece of leftover chocolate birthday cake as  parting gift.)

Also, in my relationships with the alcoholic I can now begin to see what is crazy and not crazy. With the alcoholics in my life, I live in this little world with them and I do not see the truth of the matter. I let them manipulate me into thinking that their way is correct. Last week when we were going through the codeine episode my boyfriend kept impressing on me that nothing was wrong, and I was the uptight one. In fact, after the near accident he complained that I was mad at him for being "a responsible driver". I knew enough to get away from him and get to some Al Anon meetings.

When I got to Al Anon it was a different world-- sane, if you will. I met other people who's alcoholic family members had trouble with surgery or prescription drugs. A longtime member of both AA and Al Anon told me that prescription drugs are the new "slippery slope" because alcoholics don't think of the effects leading to drinking again, just that the doctor prescribed it and it must be fine. That was certainly the case with my boyfriend. He felt he had a right to take them but I could tell he enjoyed being out of it and away from his problems.

The Dad Hammer

I went to a great Al-Anon meeting earlier today. Our topic was resentment and suffering, which I am still thinking about so I will post about it later. I'm tired of telling the codeine story, but I did talk a little about the separation, the emotional aftermath and the reconciliation.

After the meeting I was talking with a good Al Anon friend and another woman came up to me and asked "Just how long have you been with this guy?" She seemed to think he needed an ass kicking. I was surprised to hear this from another member, as one of the first things I learned in the program is not to be judgmental about other people's relationships. After all, I'm sure she would not have liked it if I had the same attitude towards her story of her alcoholic child.

(Photo by Shaun W. of stock.xhcng.)

While I was thinking of how to "say what you mean but don't say it mean" my friend tactfully jumped in and explained that we loved our alcoholics and that is why we were there. I then told the woman that one of the things I've learned in Al Anon is to give the gentle ass kicking, such as when I told my boyfriend I was unhappy with his behavior and didn't want to see him for a few days.

Funny the idea of forcing it should come up today. Lately I've started gently teasing my boyfriend about using what I call "the Dad hammer". He likes to spend a lot of time forcefully impressing upon his children that they need to do certain things to improve their lives. He used to do that a lot to me, too (and still does to some point) but after going to Al Anon I've learned to gently resist him. In his mind he genuinely thinks he is helping someone by telling them what he thinks they need to know (which is why I'm glad he also comes to Al Anon).

I think because of Daughter coming to a meeting I suddenly see how controlling Boyfriend is of her and how much he tries to direct her life. Last night he told me she expressed interest in attending another Al Anon meeting. He said he responded by lecturing her about how she needed to be in the program, to change her life, to get out of the rut she is in, and other things. My first thought was, "Oh, that killed it. She will never come again."

Instead of getting mad I gently requested that he not make Al Anon part of the "Dad hammer". It should be Daughter's choice if she comes or not and her business what she does there. He seemed a bit embarrassed at himself but he seemed to take the hint.

Ooooo…I See Colors!

Well, I can’t say I fell off the meditation wagon, but I took another “break” from Yoga Journal’s 28 Days of Meditation.  I don’t know why I am so balky about this but I went and looked at the notes from the last few days I did it. I seemed to be having trouble with the breathing exercise in that week’s recording and I was puzzled by the lack of energy, which the speaker on the audio file says I should feel at the end.

I also ran into problems sitting because I don’t like sitting in my desk chair to meditate and my headphone cords are not long enough to reach the floor. The wifi on my laptop is not working or I could find a more comfortable seat.

(Photo by Ivan Prole.)

The breathing exercise that week involved inhaling; pausing, inhaling, pausing, inhaling, pausing and then a long exhale. This actually hurt my upper chest. (I have a touch of arthritis there.) This exercise has since resurfaced in my yoga practice, so hopefully I will get over it soon. Though, the breath work I did during the first couple of weeks is very simple and I find myself using it in daily life and during other meditation.

And, yes, I think I’ve found a way of meditation practice that works for me. I intend to finish the Yoga Journal email workshop because I’ve learned so much from it already, but I now realize that it takes a lot of concentration and intellectual work for me to do the meditations in the series. I realize that now I have to “Keep it simple”.

One stressful night recently I was seeking the comfort of meditation but I didn’t want to do all of that work. So, I busted out a Rodney Yee AM/PM meditation DVD and put it on my bedroom TV, where I can sit cross-legged in bed. I skipped over the yoga part, since I had already done my regular practice for the evening and just listened, but I used the simple breathing I learned from the Yoga Journal series. This was very relaxing for me and I have been doing this often over the past couple of weeks and has helped me get to sleep after a long day of stress. I’ve even ordered some other guided meditation DVDs.

One thing that interested and surprised me is that I experience the odd area between sleep and waking. I only had this in meditation once before in my life, when I took a restorative yoga class and the teacher led us through an hour long guided meditation. I was delighted to see unusual and very colorful images as I got deeper into meditation. My favorite was the time I started to visualize that I was traveling down a dirt country road in Virginia. I don’t even know if this road exists, but it was cool. I really like this part of meditation and I hope to do this more often. AS an artist, I find the visual image fascinating and I am amazed at what my own mind comes up with when I relinquish control over it.

I have to tell you, this impressed the heck out of my boyfriend. He spent most of his adult life using drugs to achieve the same thing. Interestingly, seeing colorful imagery is part of his "Why people should do drugs" argument. He thinks that, as an artist, I'd get something out of it. He also maintains that I am "terribly sheltered" because I never did drugs. But hey--both of my parents were alcoholics and I had to deal with lots of behavior that was inappropriate around children. Because of what I've seen, I have no desire to get drunk or stoned.

Reconciliation

Oh, geeeze..too much emotion these days.

My boyfriend and I kissed and made up. I knew that if I left him alone for a few days he would probably right himself. In fact, he wanted to give me the leftover codeine but I didn't want that--I don't want him to think that I need to take the drugs or alcohol away from him in order for me to trust him.

(Photo by Nikhil Desai.)

Coming back together was very emotional and hard for me. I tried to live my life while I wasn't seeing him but in the back of my mind I worried that he was drinking or using drugs again. I realized that we could have lost all that we had together. Even though he's been sober for 5 years it was suddenly very real to me that he will be an alcoholic and an addict for the rest of his life. I guess I always knew this intellectually but never had it demonstrated as bluntly as with the codeine episode.

Also, I told him that I would no longer attend "our" Al Anon adult child focus meeting together. I've been growing away from that meeting and I want to be in meetings where I can be free to be a whole person. Normally I never share in that meeting unless it is about my alcoholic parents, because he is there. Also, in the last meeting we went to together he shared his Al Anon related view of the past week,which was painful for me to hear. (He didn't talk about me in front of me...it was about other things.) I want to get out of his way so he can talk as well, which he rarely does.

Driving on Codeine

I don't feel like telling this story again because I spent yesterday talking about it with my sponsor and other Al-Anon friends, but maybe posting it here will help someone else.

Last week my boyfriend had outpatient surgery and I was a little disturbed that they gave him a prescription for codeine when they released him. I don't know what he said about his alcoholism, but I was there when he lied about his history of drug abuse. I have since found out from my Al Anon friends that if they had known about his history of addiction they would have not given him codeine.

(Photo by Dima V of stock.xchng.)

At first he told me that he was not going to take the codeine because he was afraid it would trigger his alcoholism. Then, over the weekend he claimed that he was tired because he had started taking it and he seemed drugged. He still kept insisting on going about his normal activities, though.

On Monday I was at the doctor's and he called and said he wanted to pick me up and claimed that he was fine. He also said his AA sponsor had told him to stop the codeine. So, I trusted him but when he showed up he was really out of it. I offered to drive but he didn't want me to.

While we were driving we were going to pass a crosswalk in front of a senior home. When he saw two older people waiting there he stopped abruptly. The car behind us only avoided hitting us when the driver had enough quick thinking and skill to swerve out of the way. The older people looked terrified. My boyfriend, who is normally a very emotional driver, had absolutely no reaction and still appeared drugged.

I was upset, of course. I told him that I didn't want him to use me as an excuse to drive and so I was taking myself out of the picture and I didn't want to go out with him for a couple of days. He had no emotion but did get in a dig at me for being angry at him for "being a responsible driver", which, in his mind, was stopping for the older couple. He told me that he would call me and then dropped me off, but I really didn't want to see him for a couple of days.

I have since had my Al Anon friends back me up when I say that I don't want to drive with him if I am not comfortable doing so. My sponsor also recommended that I don't call him, just let him call first. Well, I was going to do that but I'm sure his sponsor told him the same thing because it was reaching the point of a Mexican standoff. I called him about an hour ago and he seemed more alert and said he hadn't had any codeine since Sunday. It was a brief call but at least we made contact and I guess I'll figure it out from here.

Sorting It All Out

I haven't posted in a bit because it has just been a strange week and I am still thinking over many things. I've been going to Al Anon meetings most days and it helps me to reconnect with people. I love these women-- they show up as if they are dressed for church or a luncheon even if they are feeling bad. I started doing that too, when I go to the meetings where I see them. It helps me to "Get up, suit up, show up" as my sponsor says, and part of "Fake it 'til you make it."

So, I worked things out with my sponsor and we kissed and made up. (I feel a little embarrassed about my previous entry on sponsor woes now, but it was something I was going through and I wanted to write about it.) Then we had a long lunch together where we talked about the mechanics of Boyfriend, his daughter and myself all attending Al Anon meetings at once.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero.)

Boyfriend has a car and can go to any meeting he wants, Daughter and I don't and can't. He said that he would leave if she showed up at a meeting where he was. He seems to be afraid that she will complain about him in front of him and negatively point him out in front of others, as she sometimes does. 

I want to give Daughter her privacy but also be a friendly face for her. I haven't talked to her since her first meeting and so I don't know how she would feel to have me present. I don't think this would be a problem even though she lives near me because I work during the day and she doesn't. I will probably seldom see her in the rooms. I also don't want to talk to her about issues that I have with her father because I don't want to encourage any resentments.

It is hard to not think about all of this. An Al-Anon friend suggested that I invite people but then let go of the outcome. This is easier for me to say than to do because this is so personal. This is a chance to bond with Daughter, who clearly needs Al Anon. But, I know that being overbearing could scare her away. Boyfriend said that when she's called him (as she does daily) she has been better towards him. It is hard for me to not ask for any details. I don't know what she thought of the meeting or if she wants to keep coming back. I don't know if she has been to any meetings since then. In fact, I have decided that if I see her I should not talk about Al Anon unless she brings it up first so I don't sound too pushy.

Also, I mentioned before that Boyfriend and I attend an Adult Child focus Al Anon meeting together. We often see couples attend together and thought nothing of it. My sponsor suggested that we try not to do that as, technically, members of a couple are supposed to go to meetings as individuals. We both hate missing that meeting because it is the only one of its type in the area. Instead we are now just sitting in different parts of the room (it is a very large meeting). I sit with my sponsor and some women while he sits with some men. That seems to be a good solution for now.