Al Anon's Step 4

Al Anon’s step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Ugh, step 4

When I go to step meetings I always breathe a sigh of relief when we get over the hump and pass these middle steps, sometimes called the "action steps" because we have to get out in the world and do something other than just think about it. I wrote about some of the emotions involved when I did step four in the entry "The Hardest Steps"and now I want to talk about how I approached it. From my very first days in Al Anon I worried about this step because I felt I would be confronted all at once with every horrible failing that I had. In my first year I was also scared by the intensity with which others approached this step. In meetings, a lot is made of the Al Anon workbook Blueprint for Progress: 4^th Step Inventory but this is only a tool to get us thinking. We can only decide for ourselves how to approach this step, and when we are ready.

(Photo by Laura Nubuck.)

Here are the things that worked for me when I did Al Anon's Step 4:

1.) I realized that only I could decide when I was ready to start this step. It just snuck up on me one day and, after months of agonizing,  beginning the step just suddenly felt right.

2.) Once I was ready, I had to just start, even if it is only in one small way. What I did was to take a question each day from Blueprint for Progress, write it down, and keep it in my pocket so I could think about it during the day. Later, especially after I got a sponsor, this all speeded up. But, it allowed me to get going easily. 

3.) As much as I love the AA members in my life, I realized that I should not let them tell me how to do my 4th step. In my area, Al Anon approaches this step differently and I learned not to feel guilty if I wasn't doing it the "original" way. This leads me to...

4.) Every single 12 stepper has a different definition of "fearless" but that doesn't mean that it has to be mine, or that I'm are doing it wrong if I don't follow what others do. Meetings and online forums can be full of very opinionated members who think that anything less than their method is not fearless. As I've moved on in the program, I've learned that the idea of fearlessness changes as I grow. As I get stronger I can dig into something new I never realized about myself before. That led me to this next realization.

5.) The first time I did the fourth step would not have to be the only time and a Step 4 inventory doesn't have to be perfect. This comforted me greatly as it took me about 6 months to complete this step. I thought about it all the time and didn't think I was "fearless" enough if it wasn't constantly on my mind. I went in circles with it and frustrated myself until I realized that I should just stop because there would be other opportunities to do this step again as I grew. 

6.) I learned to stop. This was perhaps the most important realization I had. I saw at one point that I was just stuck on the same things and I should just end it and call my sponsor and set a time to do Step 5. Some members make a big deal about how long they worked on this step, but at some point "searching" becomes frustrating and I learned that it is OK to move on.

 So, those are some of my experiences. For more of my experiences see the Step 4 tag.

Al Anon's Step 3

Al Anon's Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

In retrospect, I now realize that had a lot of trouble with this step. I know that step 3 is often called a "sleeper step" because some of us don't give it the attention it deserves until we realize we can't go on without gaining a deeper understanding of this step. After establishing powerlessness in Step 1 and understanding that a HP is there for us in Step 2, this step has us trusting our Higher Power to take care of the big stuff. The idea of "trust" made it quite a big step for me.

Often in Step 3 meetings people talk about decision-making. Simple decisions—make a decision and let it

(Photo by Andrew Beierle.)

go. We are not responsible for the reactions of other people so we can’t try to do “damage control” when we tell them something. We just have to be straightforward.

When I first read this step, little did I realize how important the “make a decision” part played into it. This step is all about making a decision, doing only what is my responsibility, and then letting go. I try to no longer look for solutions in people who I think are a problem. Not messing with something is the best way to show faith. This step is about serenity and “leaving the battlefield”, or, as in this Al Anon story, “Letting Go of the Rope”. I have learned that responding is better than reacting.

Al Anon’s Tradition 3

Al Anon’s Tradition 3: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves  an Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a friend or relative.

(Photo by Marco Michelini.)

As I first understood this tradition, it meant not confusing yourself with too many things when you are a newcomer. Really, it is so members won't give advice that does not relate to the program. In the beginning we ask people to not discuss other philosophies or their professions or religions. This goes back to Tradition 1-- we can do anything we like as individuals, but when we are together as an Al Anon family group we must stick to our common good. It is not helpful to confuse newcomers with ideas about different or conflicting ideas about alcoholism when they just need to take care of themselves and get better.

We also need to let our Al Anon meetings be a safe place for people who are suspicious of authority, or who are confused by too many opinions, self-help theories and “experts”. For example, as I grew up I had many counselors, teachers and other authority figures telling me what was wrong with me and what I needed to do about my parent’s alcoholism. At Al Anon, I can simply listen to the experiences of others with the same problem and decide for myself what to do. This allows members to decide how to best handle their own problems.

The idea of like-minded people brings comfort, yet the groups are not associated with any single theory, book or expert. This is one of the reasons why only Al Anon conference approved literature is allowed at meetings. We don’t want to look like we are endorsing the latest self-help guru. I realize that conference approved literature has its own issues. I think it often presents a sanitized way to work the Al Anon program while in real life things are often messier and hard to define. Yet, the authors are careful not to endorse anything and to keep the Al Anon principals at the forefront.

This tradition also reminds members of other 12 step programs that Al Anon is a different program with different approaches. In my home group, we voted to have a statement read during the beginning of the meeting that says, while AA members are welcome we must all take care to stick to talking only about the Al Anon principals and program. This is not because we do not respect the experiences of AA members, but because when they enter that door they are here for Al Anon.  There is an AA meeting downstairs from us and often those members would come in to our meeting and talk only about their own alcoholism. While the two programs sound similar there are often drastic differences in the way they each approach the steps or other tools of the program. We don’t want new members with no experience in either Al Anon or AA to get scared away because they think they must follow the stricter approaches of the AA groups in our area.

Al Anon's Tradition 2

Al Anon's Tradition 2: For our group purpose there is but one authority-a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscious. Our leaders are but trusted servants- they do not govern.

The other day I was jokingly grumbling about how a certain member volunteered to run the two meetings I attended most regularly. I joked that he just signed up for "March" because he wanted to secretary every meeting instead of for just one group. He also was the speaker at other Al Anon meetings in our area that month. Obviously, the person was spreading himself too thin, but because he was so visible so much he gave newcomers the unwanted impression that he was an authority figure for the group. Most people don't want to try and make themselves the group's Higher Power, but many times it happens by accident if we don't follow this tradition.

(Photo by Andreas Krappweis.)

The traditions are here to make sure that we don't bring in the dysfunctional habits of our pre-Al Anon days and try to impose them on the group. Because of this, Tradition 2 works with Step 2 (Came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity.) and Step  3 (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to a Higher Power and we understood him/her.) While we need our groups to run smoothly, we also can not force decisions ans we need to make sure everyone has a say in changes. I don't know many people that like group conscious meetings, but it allows us all to get together and vote on what we each is best in decisions for the group. Besides, rotating service helps each member participate and become stronger from the benefits.

I left my original Al Anon home group because I felt that it had become dysfunctional. (There are some entries detailing my anxiety about this under the former home group tag.) At that time,  one person took a specific service position, held the only keys to the meeting place, and generally ran most of the business for the group. The group was very large and most people were used to just coming to the meeting without having to do any of the work to make it run. When the member's term in the service position was up he tried to hurriedly force everyone into quickly voting him back in during the part of the meeting when people can make announcements. Other members demanded a group conscious, but by the time that occurred the situation with the member had escalated and there was a painful parting of the ways. The issues with this member caused such a division in the group that I did not want to go back.

I love my current home group because we rotate service so regularly that people only have to secretary once a year—but everyone does it. When there is even  slightest idea of a group issue people call for group conscious and remind others of the rules. We try to be careful to follow the traditions and try to make sure that no one is dominant.

Al Anon's Step 2

Al Anon's Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

When I first read about this step I didn't like the idea of considering myself insane. That is not the point of the step, though, but it is about trusting in your Higher Power and stopping crazy behavior. In my Al Anon notebooks I have notes telling me that Step one is the problem and Step two is the solution. This step offers sanity as an option, but in the past I never understood that I had this choice.

I remember reading about Step 2 during my first few months in Al Anon. We had just had a very snowy winter and during a particular storm I realized that I had so much food stored away that it would take me six months to eat it all. On top of that, I only lived a block from the supermarket! I grew up in an alcoholic home and we never knew if we were going to eat from one meal to the next. As an adult, I had to take step 2 with my kitchen. I had to realize that I was the adult in the situation and I had done a good job of feeding myself when I needed to. I just had to let go of the "insane" hoarding behavior of the past and trust in both God and myself that I would have something to eat when I needed it.

After being in the program a little while I understood more about "restore us to sanity". It means recognizing a dysfunctional situation and not getting involved in it. Often in Al Anon people quote the saying, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Detachment helps me with this problem.

(Photo by Nils Thingvall.)

For example, I often opt out of activities with my boyfriend's kids, who are all over 21. This is not because I don't like them, but rather because I do not like to be involved with "insane" behavior. Two of them live out of state, do not communicate their plans, and expect him to just be ready and willing to entertain them and pay for everything whenever they show up. Well, my boyfriend grumbles a lot about this but whenever they show up he acts like nothing is wrong and is happy to stop whatever he is doing to do something with them. Well, that is his problem, but I didn't like it when he expected me to be ready and willing to be involved on a moment's notice. I used to agree to doing things with his kids because I wanted to help him make things "normal" for his family. But, then I ended up being resentful because I would give up a day on short notice only to sit around with him while we both wondered when the kids would get there. Then, they were always late and we could not do what we planned. If I complained about this he said that since he didn't see them as much, he wasn't going to say anything to them.

Well, they are not my kids and while I like them I don't have the baggage that he has with them. I don't need to feel guilty if I am not involved because I decided that I can ask other adults to make reasonable plans with me and respect my time. Letting others decide what I will do is "insane" behavior. I decided to be less involved with my boyfriend's children, I have not regretted it once. After these visits he always calls me and complains about them doing the same thing. I've decided to stop doing the same thing over and over again and I am a lot happier.

Al Anon’s Tradition 1

Al Anon’s Tradition 1: Our common welfare should come first. Personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity.

I’ve been around Al Anon enough to see this tradition working (or not working) in the groups and how we should keep the traditions in mind. But, one night it really rang true to me because I could see how it could work in my life outside the program.

(Photo by artM of Stock.xchng.)

A couple of years ago I was having trouble with my boyfriend and it seemed that we were on the verge of breaking up. I went to an Al Anon meeting on Tradition 1. People at the meeting talked about their families and how they used this tradition to keep the peace in their households. They talked about agreeing to disagree and being equal to those around you. I also learned to listen with love even when I didn’t agree with the person. I realized that, as a couple, our common welfare should come first and that we should put that first, above petty personal issues.

Now when I think that I have a bone to pick, this tradition stops me in my tracks. Arguing, criticizing or other destructive behavior will not help keep us together. We can still be individuals, but if I am behaving in a way that will separate us, I am not thinking of “our common welfare”.

Al Anon's Step 1

Al Anon’s Step 1: We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

When I first came to I was a bit offended by Al Anon’s first step. After all, I did not drink myself. What really helped me was when I heard that some members think of it as being powerless over other people. Since then, I’ve learned a lot more about the subtleties in Step 1.

I’ve learned that I can also think of this step as being powerless over how alcohol affects others. In our meetings we talk about the “3 Cs”—we didn’t cause the alcoholism, can’t cure it and can’t control it. But we can contribute to it. I realized that I was trying to control another person’s alcoholism by putting their needs first or jumping in to make it all better.

(Photo by Andrey Gorshkov.)

Step one is a good step for me to be on these days as my boyfriend has tremendous family problems and seems to be on a slippery slope. This is the hard part—I have to “love him through it” (as they say in the rooms) and “provide support and encouragement to the alcoholic” (as they say in the Al Anon preamble). Though, it is hard to be supportive and encouraging when he’s skipped all of his AA meetings for the past few weeks for what seems like a weak excuse.I can't comment on any of this -- I have to just trust that he will right himself and find his own way.

One important thing I realized in my time at was that I learned to accept that the alcoholic (and everybody else) has their own Higher Power. I should have no need to keep track of all the little things that other people are doing. Snooping was one way that I realized I was trying to control people. One of the first things I did when I first came to the program was to stop checking who called my boyfriends phone or asking him all the details of his phone call when he takes a call in my presence. I learned that obsessive thinking is a sign that I should think harder about working Step 1. Internal chaos is a sign that life is unmanageable. Reassurance should come from my relationship with my Higher Power rather from other people.

 Step one also helps me with arguments. In my early days in Al Anon I sat in a meeting talking about a fight I had with my boyfriend and how I felt like I was going in circles with him. After the meeting the guy next to me turned to me and said, “There’s no reasoning with an alcoholic.” At the time I thought that was extreme but at the same time very true. When we talk about being “restored to sanity” (as in Step) we can understand that an alcoholic is manipulating us and creating diversions to avoid the real issue. However, keeping my lessons in mind, I try not to react. I don’t want my serenity (or sanity) disrupted, so the best thing to do is to not react to crazy behavior or attempts to engage me in arguments. I try to accept being powerless over his behavior and try to understand that his behavior is a reflection on him and not me.

In the past I also wrote a little about detachment and Step one in my entry “Letting Go of the Rope”