The Al Anon Promises Part 3: Reality and Truth

Well,  I got sidetracked on writing about the Al Anon promises but then when I was looking for something to write I came across a posting of them on an Al Anon forum. I believe that number 3 is next for me, which is....

3. Our sight, once clouded and confused, will clear and we will be able to perceive reality and recognize truth.

I link this promise a lot with the idea of being "restored to sanity". These days I have a moment every so often where I think, "This is crazy and unrealistic. Yet, the people around me all think this is normal." 

I used to get caught up in all kinds of crazy things, mostly because I felt like I had to get along and make things work. I didn't understand that I was confused, or that I did not see reality.

There is one story I sometimes tell at Al Anon meetings because I showed that I was too wrapped up

(Photo by Lena Pautina.)

in alcoholic dysfunction to see what was rational. When I was young I got a job teaching kids in a special summer program. The site that was to host my group's branch of the program pulled out a couple of days before the kids were to arrive and we were left stranded. On that day I sat with my fellow instructors and our supervisor in a local McDonalds as she made lots of phone calls trying to get us another space.

Well, there came a call from a local rec center so we all piled into cars and headed over. Once we were there, the man who ran the place said we could have an upstairs room but the kids in his program would have the rest of the space, including the gym and cafeteria. This room was about the size of a large living room and we had 120 kids with about 5 or 6 instructors. This was in no way a realistic solution...but I did not see that.

I immediately jumped in and tried to get everyone else to see how great this could work. I tried to get them to see that we could group the kids in a certain way and send each instructor into one of the corners or part of the middle. I really thought that this could actually work if we only tried. Though I did not realize it I was thinking that the first option was the only option and we had to make it work no matter what. I grew up in an alcoholic home where I didn't have many choices and I usually just had to work with what I was given. I kept trying to make this situation work, like jamming a square peg into a round hole.

Well, no, my coworkers were saner than I and rebelled. Luckily, another site came through for us and it was so big that all of us instructors even had our own classrooms. (Our Higher Power worked it out for us, despite my meddling.)

So, now it is like a "light bulb moment" when I realize that something is not rational. I know that I have choices and I can take time to decide for myself what is a rational and workable solution. That can often mean not taking the first solution that comes along.  I can respond rather than to react.

You can read all of the Al Anon Promises on p. 269 of From Survival to Recovery or on this web page for a California Al Anon group.

Forgiveness

I decided that in order to help me use this blog better that I should write something each week, outside of just talking about the steps. I had to secretary my online group in August and I enjoyed writing the little blurbs to start off the topic. So, for lack of anything I felt very passionate about writing, I looked to that group again for inspiration. The topic this week is forgiveness. Ugh. I don't want to write about that but my Al Anon experience tells me that not wanting to write about something is my way of avoiding it.

(Photo by Dario Dzimbeg.)

I hate saying, "I forgive you." Why? I don't know, except that in the past I always felt that forgiveness was something that I was not able to choose to do on my own. In school and church we were taught that this was a value we all needed to stress. It was almost automatic-- if someone wrongs us we should forgive right away. I didn't understand that forgiveness was a process and it was ok if it took awhile. I felt guilty if I did not truly forgive someone in someone else's time.

When I met my boyfriend forgiveness became harder because when I felt the pressure to forgive I became very resentful. When he would do something that I felt was wrong and I would try to talk to him about it he would badger me and keep saying, "Let it go! Let it go!" without really giving me a chance to talk. He implied that something was wrong with me if I did not automatically forgive him. I flashed back to the teachings of my youth and while I honestly did not forgive him, I felt I could not say any more or I would look like the one who could not be mature about things.

So, I had a lot to learn about this when I came to Al Anon. My boyfriend was one of the most difficult people to consider when doing Al Anon's Step 8 and Step 9. It was hard for me to see how I had wronged him because I was so resentful of how he treated me. One of the most important things I learned while doing these steps is changing what I accept from others. My sponsor said that a good way to make amends with someone is to simply change my behavior, and that extended to no longer accepting unacceptable behavior.

I was a bit confused by this. When I now know as setting boundaries sounded like harsh behavior. I began to try to talk to my boyfriend differently. When he would badger me to forgive him, I told him that I can't be ordered to forgive, and that it was a process that I had to do within myself and in my own time. He didn't know what to say to that. I gradually learned that his behavior was a defense mechanism and that he was responsible for that behavior, not me.

When I say he is responsible for his own behavior, this is another liberation that came from Steps 4-9. I learned to separate my responsibilities from his behavior. I also learned a lot more about alcoholism.  I can forgive him in a more genuine way because I can see how his disease affects him. I know how to better talk to him so I can "say what I mean but don't say it mean." (Another favorite saying of my sponsor.) I can set my boundaries in the beginning so there is less resentment and more constructive communication.(I wrote more about some of these things in my entry "Expecting Amends from Others".)

Progress not Perfection

Here is another post I recently sent to an online Al Anon group.

(Photo by Svilen Milev.)

I don't remember when it all started, but in my family I was always the "good" child who tried to do everything right. Later, as an adult this turned into being overly concerned about being "perfect". I always had my lawn mowed, my house clean and my bills paid. I was afraid of anything that might bring criticism or scrutiny. I know now that there are a couple of reasons why I did this. First of all, my alcoholic mother was very critical of everything I did. She was rough on me when it came to school and homework, so I always felt I had no choice but to get top grades. She even became overly concerned about my clothing.  As I headed out for school each day, she stood in  a certain spot next to the stairs so she could look up my skirt and see if I was wearing a slip! (This was in an age where most girls didn't wear slips anymore.)

As an adult I still felt that I had to be the one that stood out for being the best. Besides being insecure, I didn't want any attention drawn to myself. This is also an affect of coming from an alcoholic home--ours always stood out as the "crazy" family. I figured that if my home and appearance were "perfect" no one would guess my background. I guess I didn't realize that people thought my constant perfectionism made me stand out!

Through Al Anon I learned that it is OK to make mistakes and even learn to laugh at them. For the bigger mistakes, I have the 12 steps (particularity Steps 4-10). I have learned to understand which mistakes actually harm other people and which do not. For the harmful ones, I can decide on what the next right action should be to make amends. After that, I can go on with my life without agonizing over it.

I have also learned to be a little sloppy here and there and sometimes let the yard work go. For example, I haven't deadheaded my flowers in m garden in awhile but as a result of my "sloppiness" some beautiful wild canaries have been coming to eat the seeds from my spent zinnias. They would not be there I had rushed to make everything neat like I used to.

Self Care

Here is another thing that I originally posted to an online group earlier in the week.

The idea of self care was a difficult one for me when I first came to Al Anon. for most of my life I thought that the things I now see as self care were selfish and frivolous. Why should I take a nap in the middle of the afternoon or go for a bike ride when I have so many things to do or other people need me?

(Photo by Alex Bramwell.)

In my local Al Anon groups we often remind each other of what you hear on airplanes-- we need to put on our own oxygen masks before we can help others. When I worked Al Anon's 4th step for the first time it helped me realize I was sadly lacking in self care. After reading questions in the workbook that some members use for a 4th step inventory, I began to go to the doctor and dentist regularly. Before, I would always be worried about the expense of this, but now I feel better because I can take care of physical problems when they are small or know that nothing is wrong. (That saves me both money and worry.) 

Another way I learned to take care of myself is through better food. An Al Anon slogan that struck me in the early days was "HALT: hungry, angry, lonely, tired." That gave me a great way to check my behavior, and I realized that I often acted out because I was hungry and irritable or tired. A few months after I came to Al Anon I surprised myself by becoming a vegetarian. This just felt right for me- I realized that some of my irritability and tiredness stemmed from how my body felt after eating certain foods. I feel much better now.

Other things I do for self care include going regularly to Al Anon meetings, meditating, exercising and going to church. While I respect that some others don't care to go to church, it helps me because I like to get there early, sit in the quiet and let my mind settle. It is one of the few places where my loved ones won't dare to bother me!  There is a lot of sense in honoring a day of rest. I realized my Higher Power wants me to rest regularly or I won't be any good to anyone, especially to myself.

Step 12 and a friend

 The other day at work a friend returned from a family vacation in obvious distress. A member of her family had spent the entire vacation drinking excessively and now my friend was worried that the person is an alcoholic.  Of course, I feel very strongly about that issue, but I was glad that I didn't say anything until I was asked about it because another coworker decided to ask her lots of questions about her relative's drinking. He asked her all about how many drinks the person usually has, how many drinks the person had on the day in question, and how many alcoholics were already in the family. This was all in an effort to "help" my friend decide if her relative is an alcoholic. I felt really bad for my friend because it seemed very embarrassing for her.

I knew that my friend would come to me later to talk to me alone, so that is another reason I stayed out of

(Photo by DuBoix of morgueFile.)

the discussion. I didn't want to get into a debate with the second coworker, who seemed very opinionated about the whole thing.  When we did talk I told her that we can't label a person an alcoholic until they declare themselves one. (I always do this at the request of my AA member boyfriend. I find that he is right--calling someone alcoholic when they aren't ready to see that only provokes resistance and confrontation. We need to respect the person to make that decision on their own.) She knew I was in Al Anon and asked for more information.

A couple of days later I gave her some basic pamphlets and told her that I regularly attended a certain meeting if she wanted to come one night. This is what a long time Al Anon member suggested to me--give them the information and don't think any more about it. If they go--great, but if they don't go I haven't invested any needless emotional effort into it. I also know that alcoholism can be a touchy situation for newcomers and that it can take awhile for them to screw up the courage to come to a meeting.

A couple of nights later I attended a meeting where we talked about Tradition 8 (Al Anon Twelfth Step work should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.) I realized that this is why I didn't give her my "expert" opinion on her situation. I knew from other Al Anon members that simply carrying the message often works best. I think the best thing I can do for my friend now is to just be a good example of an Al Anon member by working my program for myself and keeping the focus on myself.

Choices and Al Anon

This is another post I sent to an online Al Anon group. I was very inspired by a speaker at a recent group. She happened to be a person I admire greatly in the program and I've been thinking about her talk all week.

(Photo by imelenchon of morgueFile.)

Last week I went to a great meeting where the speaker announced that she wanted to talk about choices. I sat there thinking that this was going to be about the "big stuff" --how to change my job, for starters. But, it was more about the little choices we make each day.

During my growing up years at home we had no choices--- we just did what we were told, like it or not. My alcoholic mother could be violent if we did not do what she wanted. At school it was all about choosing the right thing for our future, such as the right path of study that would get us into a good college and then into a good job. So, really, I was pressure to accept what someone else wanted and not even think about what I wanted.

Another thing about my growing up years was that our family always had money problems that were related to the alcoholism. I could not even choose what to wear or what to eat, because our family had to depend on what other people gave us. I always felt guarded around other people, and embarrassed about our situation. I could not even choose to let my own personality come out.

Later, in a relationship with an alcoholic, I let him direct what I wanted to do or I was afraid to say no to him. He was not violent, but because of my mother deep down inside I felt that all alcoholics would be moody and suddenly violent if provoked by the "wrong" thing. So, I knew Al Anon was for me when I read one of those lists of questions I came across in program literature. One question asked, "Do you believe external forces control you?" Yes-- I realized my whole life was about that.

In Al Anon I've learned that yes, I do have choices about what I do with my life, my time off, or even the next five minutes. I learned that "no" is a choice (and a complete sentence) and what other people think I should do with my time is only their opinion, not an order. I gained the courage to choose to not attend family gatherings where "toxic" people were present or decide that I want to take a break from being around someone who does not treat me respectfully. I also set boundaries with people who wanted to trample on my time-- I asked them to work with me to make reasonable plans beforehand and not expect me to drop everything at the last minute for what they wanted. These things were not easy for me to do but it was better for me in the long run because I did not have to make myself unhappy to satisfy someone else's wishes.

Keeping the focus on ourselves

I posted this in an online Al Anon group and wanted to post it here as well. More details about how I personally handled the issue I allude to will be in my entry "Step 12 and a friend".

(Photo by Harry Fodor.)

I have heard that the only way you are too late for an Al Anon meeting is when you arrive after the closing. Sure enough, one day I went to a meeting that I don't go to very often and mixed up the time. Though I only heard the last few minutes, the last speaker talked about Al Anon's Tradition 10 (The Al-Anon Family Groups have no opinion on outside issues; hence our name ought never be drawn into public controversy.) She mentioned that she applied that to herself- when she felt she wanted to jump into other people's business she thought, "I have no opinions on issues outside of my own." I loved this- I now consider it my favorite way to keep the focus on myself.

One of the big issues I had when I first came to Al Anon was "advising" other people all of the time. Now that I try to stay quiet when I want to give advice, life is much easier. The other day at work a coworker mentioned a personal issue that I felt strongly about. I was glad that I didn't say anything because another coworker jumped in and began questioning her all about it. It became very embarrassing for me to hear. I know that the second coworker was only trying to help, but it just made it worse--this was exactly the kind of thing I used to do in the past. I'm glad I didn't get into the "controversy" because I now know it would only have made it worse for both me and  the person with the problem.

Al Anon's Tradition 6

Al Anon's tradition 6: Our Family Groups ought never endorse, finance, or lend our name to any outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary spiritual aim. Although a separate entity, we should co-operate with Alcoholics Anonymous. 

This entry gets a bit off topic for Tradition 6, but it got me thinking of how we use the traditions to keep the focus on ourselves. The first part of this tradition always seemed rather straightforward to me, but one of the things I wondered about with this tradition is the idea of "cooperating with AA". I guessed it was about the occasional get togethers our groups had on holidays where we got both the AA and Al Anon groups together for one big party. I didn't think much beyond that, but now I realize we must respect the alcoholic and other AA members, while realizing we are still a separate entity.

(Photo by Joana Croft.)

I think the key word in this tradition is "cooperate". We can't join or mix AA and Al Anon groups because we must each remain individual groups. I was told that we do not have AA literature at our meetings because some members use it to focus on what they think the alcoholic should be reading or doing and not focusing on themselves. We need to detach, remain independent and focus on ourselves.

Al Anon has some specific guidelines for members who also belong to other 12 step programs because it would be too easy to allow "outside issues" to override Al Anon focused talk. Even at the combined Al Anon/AA  holiday parties I've noticed that the AA members tend to dominate the sharing. I can see how an Al Anon group could easily loose its identity in such a situation.  I go to a couple of different Al Anon groups where there are AA meetings are going on at the same time and in the same building. Often these members come into our group and, not knowing how else to do it, begin talking about their own alcoholism.  We voted to have a statement read in the beginning asking members of other 12 step programs to refrain from discussing those programs. 

 We also must respect the alcoholic by not getting involved with what is going on at his or her meetings and not invading his or her privacy when it comes to how they work the program in their way. Sometimes we may think they are not doing it the "right" way, but they have their own way of doing things, just like we have ours. 



 

Al Anon's Step 6

Al Anon's Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 

So, what is "ready"? When I first came to Al Anon I was a little afraid of this step. Of course, I was still thinking that outside forces controlled me, and that something or someone else would decide when I was ready. I've since found that step 6 just happens and it is instinctual. When holding on to a character defect becomes more difficult  than anything else, I know I am ready. But, it is only with what I've learned in the years of working the Al Anon program that makes me see how a defect is harmful and understand that it should go. Once I accept my defects through working the previous steps, I can work on letting it go. 

Working this step depends on our relationships with ourselves and our Higher Power. In my notes from Al Anon meetings, I have one that reminds me that Step 3 (Made a decision to turn our loves over to the care of God as we understood God). is critical to Step 6. All God needs to know is that we are willing. God gets to choose when and how fast these defects are removed. We can ask, but we must let go of the result. 

(Photo by Marcel Hol.)

Detachment helps me a lot in this step. I often have a skewed view of my own faults because of criticism from the alcoholic. I've also found that, in my early days of Al Anon, the alcoholic was afraid of how I may change through Al Anon because he has his own system of control and manipulation that I was getting ready to opt out of. The steps helped me pull away from that destructive behavior and I began to change. 

Sometimes if I am not as ready as I would like, I have to think carefully about what might be stopping me. Perfection is an excuse to not do something. I've found that when I am trying to work on a defect (or even long after I've forgotten that I've asked for a defect to be removed) my Higher Power will give me tests of willingness. That means that I am suddenly in many different situations where I will have to deal with a defect over and over again until I improve.     

While Step 6 can still be intimidating to think about, I find myself unconsciously practicing it in everyday life. I like to think of this as giving less useful things away and preparing room in myself for better things.

Giving Back to my Sponsor

The other night I went to a meeting that began with a reading from an Al Anon pamphlet on sponsorship. Normally I don't like such topics--it usually becomes a meeting where the theme is "Al Anon is so great" and seldom gets into anything deeper. But, it had me thinking of my relationship with my sponsor a bit.

(Photo by Grażyna Suchecka.)

I have had my struggles with my sponsor but over the past year we've settled out. A couple of months ago we bonded more because we were both in a phase where we weren't quite feeling the love of Al Anon at the time, but I've rebounded. Still, I get busy and don't call her like I should.

So, on Monday at the meeting I talked a little about the phases I've gone through with m sponsor, both good and bad. I felt guilty for not calling her and did so that night after the meeting. It turns out that her health is keeping her away from meetings, as well as some personal stuff. I felt bad, but it was good for me to hear that someone who had been in the program for 30+ years was struggling with some of the things I did. She had not been to any meetings in awhile and had not seen anyone we know.

It was odd because I felt that my sponsor, who was very experienced and helped me a lot, was in need of outreach. So, I told her a little of what I had learned in recent meetings and we talked about it. She seemed very lonely. At one of the meetings I go to we once had a pamphlet floating around called "Sponsorship is a Two Way Street". Even though I don't have nearly as much experience and my sponsor does, I can help both her and myself by calling her and talking about the program with her. After the meeting I felt I should find more ways to consistently work with her and so this can be a start.

Al Anon's Tradition 5

Al Anon's Tradition 5: Each Al Anon Family Group has but one purpose: to help families of alcoholics. We do this by practicing the Twelve Steps of AA ourselves, by encouraging and understanding our alcoholic relatives, and by welcoming and giving comfort to families of alcoholics. 

(Photo by Philippe Ramaker.)

I would like to talk about the "welcoming and giving comfort" part of this tradition because of a story in the "Members Share" section of the Tradition 5 chapter in the 1997 edition of  Paths to Recovery.  In the story a woman called an Al Anon phone line and asked for help with someone who was abusing drugs. The  narrator felt "...rejected, alienated and devastated" when the woman she talked to insisted that Al Anon was only for alcohol. Later, the narrator tells of how, while drug abuse seemed to be the main problem, she realized that there was also a history of alcoholism in her family.  Luckily she came back to Al Anon and got help. 

One thing my sponsor always emphasizes is to always  be aware of our appearance to newcomers. We can't judge if they have alcoholism in their lives or not as newcomers are often in denial. Often I meet people who arrive for curiosity or research or because there is no Nar-Anon Family Group in this area and they were told to go to Al Anon instead. Often these people later realize that there is also alcoholism in their lives but they did not want to admit it or did not realize it. 

I found this note to myself in my copy of Paths to Recovery, next to the Al Anon phone line story: "It is not up to you to decide who belongs or if they have alcoholism in their lives. We have to respect how other people define themselves. Do not use this tradition to see who qualifies because these are spiritual traditions and not laws." 

Only the individual can decide if they belong to Al Anon. We can't judge their relatives as alcoholics or get into politics of weather or not the family member  has yet declared themselves an alcoholic. (Though it is respectful to not call someone an alcoholic until they identify themselves as one, members can come to Al Anon simply because they are worried about another person's drinking.) We can only be friendly and accepting and the newcomer will decide if the program is right for them. 

Al Anon's Step 5

Al Anon's Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.  

(Photo by Dora Pete.)

 In meetings I've heard of Al Anon's step 5 referred to as a "sleeper step". Sometimes people talk about how they are tempted to skip it or not give enough time to it. Now that I reflect on it, Step 5 was perhaps one of the hardest steps for me. I was one of those people who felt tremendously guilty because I
thought that I was harming everyone and everything all of the time. Determining the "exact nature" of my wrongs was hard, but my sponsor helped me sort it out. She asked me questions like,  "Do you really think the things you did back in grade school were harmful enough to be included?" She was simply asking me a question, but I quickly realized how silly some of my ideas about myself were. 

I hated talking to others because of the shame I felt in coming from an alcoholic home, but through Al Anon I learned that being honest about it makes it less shameful. This step is about breaking isolation and not living alone with the crazy stuff in your head. We begin to come out of it and see that our behavior is crazy and we begin to see things differently.   Interestingly, my notes from different Step 5 meetings are about feeling crazy or dealing with "crazy" people. One sensible note says,  "I'm not crazy, my thoughts are crazy." Another note deals with letting the crazy person have the last word in an argument. That can be pretty hard, but I've found that it leads to dropping the issue without further argument, like when I talked about "Letting go of the rope". This is part of detachment and one thing I've heard often at meetings is, "Bless them, change me".

I realized that step 5 is about changing the way we talk about ourselves. It is about seeing things for what they are and not clouding the issue when we have to talk to others. It is another part of the process in removing denial (which can take a long time).  I've found that if I have problems with Step 5 I can go back to Step 3  (Made a decision to turn our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.) for strength before I move on.                                                                                                                                                                        

 Lastly, I'd like to leave you with a little Al Anon joke. We used to tell each other, "Don't do your fifth step on the first date".

Prayer at Al Anon Meetings

I was writing an entry about Tradition 4 (Each Group should be autonomous, except in matters affecting another group or Al Anon or AA as a whole.) and I got off track because I realize that the example I was using was not the best one. I'm talking about how some Al Anon groups use The Lord's Prayer as part of the meeting.

I dislike when Al Anon groups close with The Lord's Prayer. I have nothing against it and I say it in church all of the time. However, I don't want to say it at an Al Anon meeting because I think it imposes the idea of one Higher Power on all members. This goes against the Al Anon belief that we need to define our own Higher Power for ourselves. In fact, an Al Anon meeting I attend to regularly was the only one I  knew where members recited The Lord's Prayer. At that particular meeting we had a number of members who had bad experiences with Christian religions and simply did not participate as it was said. At first I recited it along

(Photo by Korry_B of stock.xchng.)

with everyone else but as I watched these members I also began to abstain from reciting the prayer in solidarity with them. As I began to learn more about defining a Higher Power, I absolutely felt that what this group was doing was a violation of Al Anon principals. I was happy when the group voted to abolish this practice, as eventually over half our the members were not saying this prayer!

So, you can imagine how I felt last fall when I went to an Al Anon workshop in a rural area where, at the end, a member sternly called out, "Who's father?" which was their cue to begin, "Our Father..." I was offended by this and I did not participate in that recitation of The Lord's Prayer. I also didn't say anything to members of that group because I was only visiting and it was in an area much different than where I lived. For people there, it was comfortable to assume that God was their Higher Power because the area was predominately white and Christian. If their members ever became offended, I knew it was their problem to work out amongst themselves and they didn't need my interference. I could just go back home to my regular groups where we didn't recite The Lord's Prayer at the end.

 I truly believe that it violates the Al Anon principals to incorporate a specific religion into the meetings. But, it is really ingrained in some 12 step meetings and I've found that some are passionate about keeping it. I am passionate, too, but how important is it that I get upset about what a group that I never go to is doing? I just abstain when it comes up but I'm proud that the group I attend chose to think more carefully about this issue.

Al Anon's Step 4

Al Anon’s step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Ugh, step 4

When I go to step meetings I always breathe a sigh of relief when we get over the hump and pass these middle steps, sometimes called the "action steps" because we have to get out in the world and do something other than just think about it. I wrote about some of the emotions involved when I did step four in the entry "The Hardest Steps"and now I want to talk about how I approached it. From my very first days in Al Anon I worried about this step because I felt I would be confronted all at once with every horrible failing that I had. In my first year I was also scared by the intensity with which others approached this step. In meetings, a lot is made of the Al Anon workbook Blueprint for Progress: 4^th Step Inventory but this is only a tool to get us thinking. We can only decide for ourselves how to approach this step, and when we are ready.

(Photo by Laura Nubuck.)

Here are the things that worked for me when I did Al Anon's Step 4:

1.) I realized that only I could decide when I was ready to start this step. It just snuck up on me one day and, after months of agonizing,  beginning the step just suddenly felt right.

2.) Once I was ready, I had to just start, even if it is only in one small way. What I did was to take a question each day from Blueprint for Progress, write it down, and keep it in my pocket so I could think about it during the day. Later, especially after I got a sponsor, this all speeded up. But, it allowed me to get going easily. 

3.) As much as I love the AA members in my life, I realized that I should not let them tell me how to do my 4th step. In my area, Al Anon approaches this step differently and I learned not to feel guilty if I wasn't doing it the "original" way. This leads me to...

4.) Every single 12 stepper has a different definition of "fearless" but that doesn't mean that it has to be mine, or that I'm are doing it wrong if I don't follow what others do. Meetings and online forums can be full of very opinionated members who think that anything less than their method is not fearless. As I've moved on in the program, I've learned that the idea of fearlessness changes as I grow. As I get stronger I can dig into something new I never realized about myself before. That led me to this next realization.

5.) The first time I did the fourth step would not have to be the only time and a Step 4 inventory doesn't have to be perfect. This comforted me greatly as it took me about 6 months to complete this step. I thought about it all the time and didn't think I was "fearless" enough if it wasn't constantly on my mind. I went in circles with it and frustrated myself until I realized that I should just stop because there would be other opportunities to do this step again as I grew. 

6.) I learned to stop. This was perhaps the most important realization I had. I saw at one point that I was just stuck on the same things and I should just end it and call my sponsor and set a time to do Step 5. Some members make a big deal about how long they worked on this step, but at some point "searching" becomes frustrating and I learned that it is OK to move on.

 So, those are some of my experiences. For more of my experiences see the Step 4 tag.

Al Anon's Step 3

Al Anon's Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. 

In retrospect, I now realize that had a lot of trouble with this step. I know that step 3 is often called a "sleeper step" because some of us don't give it the attention it deserves until we realize we can't go on without gaining a deeper understanding of this step. After establishing powerlessness in Step 1 and understanding that a HP is there for us in Step 2, this step has us trusting our Higher Power to take care of the big stuff. The idea of "trust" made it quite a big step for me.

Often in Step 3 meetings people talk about decision-making. Simple decisions—make a decision and let it

(Photo by Andrew Beierle.)

go. We are not responsible for the reactions of other people so we can’t try to do “damage control” when we tell them something. We just have to be straightforward.

When I first read this step, little did I realize how important the “make a decision” part played into it. This step is all about making a decision, doing only what is my responsibility, and then letting go. I try to no longer look for solutions in people who I think are a problem. Not messing with something is the best way to show faith. This step is about serenity and “leaving the battlefield”, or, as in this Al Anon story, “Letting Go of the Rope”. I have learned that responding is better than reacting.

Al Anon’s Tradition 3

Al Anon’s Tradition 3: The relatives of alcoholics, when gathered together for mutual aid, may call themselves  an Anon Family Group, provided that, as a group they have no other affiliation. The only requirement for membership is that there be a problem of alcoholism in a friend or relative.

(Photo by Marco Michelini.)

As I first understood this tradition, it meant not confusing yourself with too many things when you are a newcomer. Really, it is so members won't give advice that does not relate to the program. In the beginning we ask people to not discuss other philosophies or their professions or religions. This goes back to Tradition 1-- we can do anything we like as individuals, but when we are together as an Al Anon family group we must stick to our common good. It is not helpful to confuse newcomers with ideas about different or conflicting ideas about alcoholism when they just need to take care of themselves and get better.

We also need to let our Al Anon meetings be a safe place for people who are suspicious of authority, or who are confused by too many opinions, self-help theories and “experts”. For example, as I grew up I had many counselors, teachers and other authority figures telling me what was wrong with me and what I needed to do about my parent’s alcoholism. At Al Anon, I can simply listen to the experiences of others with the same problem and decide for myself what to do. This allows members to decide how to best handle their own problems.

The idea of like-minded people brings comfort, yet the groups are not associated with any single theory, book or expert. This is one of the reasons why only Al Anon conference approved literature is allowed at meetings. We don’t want to look like we are endorsing the latest self-help guru. I realize that conference approved literature has its own issues. I think it often presents a sanitized way to work the Al Anon program while in real life things are often messier and hard to define. Yet, the authors are careful not to endorse anything and to keep the Al Anon principals at the forefront.

This tradition also reminds members of other 12 step programs that Al Anon is a different program with different approaches. In my home group, we voted to have a statement read during the beginning of the meeting that says, while AA members are welcome we must all take care to stick to talking only about the Al Anon principals and program. This is not because we do not respect the experiences of AA members, but because when they enter that door they are here for Al Anon.  There is an AA meeting downstairs from us and often those members would come in to our meeting and talk only about their own alcoholism. While the two programs sound similar there are often drastic differences in the way they each approach the steps or other tools of the program. We don’t want new members with no experience in either Al Anon or AA to get scared away because they think they must follow the stricter approaches of the AA groups in our area.

Al Anon's Tradition 2

Al Anon's Tradition 2: For our group purpose there is but one authority-a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscious. Our leaders are but trusted servants- they do not govern.

The other day I was jokingly grumbling about how a certain member volunteered to run the two meetings I attended most regularly. I joked that he just signed up for "March" because he wanted to secretary every meeting instead of for just one group. He also was the speaker at other Al Anon meetings in our area that month. Obviously, the person was spreading himself too thin, but because he was so visible so much he gave newcomers the unwanted impression that he was an authority figure for the group. Most people don't want to try and make themselves the group's Higher Power, but many times it happens by accident if we don't follow this tradition.

(Photo by Andreas Krappweis.)

The traditions are here to make sure that we don't bring in the dysfunctional habits of our pre-Al Anon days and try to impose them on the group. Because of this, Tradition 2 works with Step 2 (Came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity.) and Step  3 (Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to a Higher Power and we understood him/her.) While we need our groups to run smoothly, we also can not force decisions ans we need to make sure everyone has a say in changes. I don't know many people that like group conscious meetings, but it allows us all to get together and vote on what we each is best in decisions for the group. Besides, rotating service helps each member participate and become stronger from the benefits.

I left my original Al Anon home group because I felt that it had become dysfunctional. (There are some entries detailing my anxiety about this under the former home group tag.) At that time,  one person took a specific service position, held the only keys to the meeting place, and generally ran most of the business for the group. The group was very large and most people were used to just coming to the meeting without having to do any of the work to make it run. When the member's term in the service position was up he tried to hurriedly force everyone into quickly voting him back in during the part of the meeting when people can make announcements. Other members demanded a group conscious, but by the time that occurred the situation with the member had escalated and there was a painful parting of the ways. The issues with this member caused such a division in the group that I did not want to go back.

I love my current home group because we rotate service so regularly that people only have to secretary once a year—but everyone does it. When there is even  slightest idea of a group issue people call for group conscious and remind others of the rules. We try to be careful to follow the traditions and try to make sure that no one is dominant.

Al Anon's Step 2

Al Anon's Step Two: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

When I first read about this step I didn't like the idea of considering myself insane. That is not the point of the step, though, but it is about trusting in your Higher Power and stopping crazy behavior. In my Al Anon notebooks I have notes telling me that Step one is the problem and Step two is the solution. This step offers sanity as an option, but in the past I never understood that I had this choice.

I remember reading about Step 2 during my first few months in Al Anon. We had just had a very snowy winter and during a particular storm I realized that I had so much food stored away that it would take me six months to eat it all. On top of that, I only lived a block from the supermarket! I grew up in an alcoholic home and we never knew if we were going to eat from one meal to the next. As an adult, I had to take step 2 with my kitchen. I had to realize that I was the adult in the situation and I had done a good job of feeding myself when I needed to. I just had to let go of the "insane" hoarding behavior of the past and trust in both God and myself that I would have something to eat when I needed it.

After being in the program a little while I understood more about "restore us to sanity". It means recognizing a dysfunctional situation and not getting involved in it. Often in Al Anon people quote the saying, "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Detachment helps me with this problem.

(Photo by Nils Thingvall.)

For example, I often opt out of activities with my boyfriend's kids, who are all over 21. This is not because I don't like them, but rather because I do not like to be involved with "insane" behavior. Two of them live out of state, do not communicate their plans, and expect him to just be ready and willing to entertain them and pay for everything whenever they show up. Well, my boyfriend grumbles a lot about this but whenever they show up he acts like nothing is wrong and is happy to stop whatever he is doing to do something with them. Well, that is his problem, but I didn't like it when he expected me to be ready and willing to be involved on a moment's notice. I used to agree to doing things with his kids because I wanted to help him make things "normal" for his family. But, then I ended up being resentful because I would give up a day on short notice only to sit around with him while we both wondered when the kids would get there. Then, they were always late and we could not do what we planned. If I complained about this he said that since he didn't see them as much, he wasn't going to say anything to them.

Well, they are not my kids and while I like them I don't have the baggage that he has with them. I don't need to feel guilty if I am not involved because I decided that I can ask other adults to make reasonable plans with me and respect my time. Letting others decide what I will do is "insane" behavior. I decided to be less involved with my boyfriend's children, I have not regretted it once. After these visits he always calls me and complains about them doing the same thing. I've decided to stop doing the same thing over and over again and I am a lot happier.

Al Anon’s Tradition 1

Al Anon’s Tradition 1: Our common welfare should come first. Personal progress for the greatest number depends on unity.

I’ve been around Al Anon enough to see this tradition working (or not working) in the groups and how we should keep the traditions in mind. But, one night it really rang true to me because I could see how it could work in my life outside the program.

(Photo by artM of Stock.xchng.)

A couple of years ago I was having trouble with my boyfriend and it seemed that we were on the verge of breaking up. I went to an Al Anon meeting on Tradition 1. People at the meeting talked about their families and how they used this tradition to keep the peace in their households. They talked about agreeing to disagree and being equal to those around you. I also learned to listen with love even when I didn’t agree with the person. I realized that, as a couple, our common welfare should come first and that we should put that first, above petty personal issues.

Now when I think that I have a bone to pick, this tradition stops me in my tracks. Arguing, criticizing or other destructive behavior will not help keep us together. We can still be individuals, but if I am behaving in a way that will separate us, I am not thinking of “our common welfare”.

Al Anon's Step 1

Al Anon’s Step 1: We are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable.

When I first came to I was a bit offended by Al Anon’s first step. After all, I did not drink myself. What really helped me was when I heard that some members think of it as being powerless over other people. Since then, I’ve learned a lot more about the subtleties in Step 1.

I’ve learned that I can also think of this step as being powerless over how alcohol affects others. In our meetings we talk about the “3 Cs”—we didn’t cause the alcoholism, can’t cure it and can’t control it. But we can contribute to it. I realized that I was trying to control another person’s alcoholism by putting their needs first or jumping in to make it all better.

(Photo by Andrey Gorshkov.)

Step one is a good step for me to be on these days as my boyfriend has tremendous family problems and seems to be on a slippery slope. This is the hard part—I have to “love him through it” (as they say in the rooms) and “provide support and encouragement to the alcoholic” (as they say in the Al Anon preamble). Though, it is hard to be supportive and encouraging when he’s skipped all of his AA meetings for the past few weeks for what seems like a weak excuse.I can't comment on any of this -- I have to just trust that he will right himself and find his own way.

One important thing I realized in my time at was that I learned to accept that the alcoholic (and everybody else) has their own Higher Power. I should have no need to keep track of all the little things that other people are doing. Snooping was one way that I realized I was trying to control people. One of the first things I did when I first came to the program was to stop checking who called my boyfriends phone or asking him all the details of his phone call when he takes a call in my presence. I learned that obsessive thinking is a sign that I should think harder about working Step 1. Internal chaos is a sign that life is unmanageable. Reassurance should come from my relationship with my Higher Power rather from other people.

 Step one also helps me with arguments. In my early days in Al Anon I sat in a meeting talking about a fight I had with my boyfriend and how I felt like I was going in circles with him. After the meeting the guy next to me turned to me and said, “There’s no reasoning with an alcoholic.” At the time I thought that was extreme but at the same time very true. When we talk about being “restored to sanity” (as in Step) we can understand that an alcoholic is manipulating us and creating diversions to avoid the real issue. However, keeping my lessons in mind, I try not to react. I don’t want my serenity (or sanity) disrupted, so the best thing to do is to not react to crazy behavior or attempts to engage me in arguments. I try to accept being powerless over his behavior and try to understand that his behavior is a reflection on him and not me.

In the past I also wrote a little about detachment and Step one in my entry “Letting Go of the Rope”