Struggles with Detachment

I started the week preoccupied with my art and while that was happening another issues snuck in the back door: my boyfriend.

I don't really know how to put this into words, as it has mostly been swirling in my head all day, either with him or while I've been alone. While I was doing my personal writing (which I refuse to call Morning Pages, but that is an issue for another day) I tried to write about it and feel that I had moderate success. (Another side issue--today I realize that with this blog and in my personal writing I'm suddenly writing about things I've NEVER written about before, at least not in depth, so that is great but also for another post.) I can't go into specific details here because I have to respect both him and myself, but here is the gist of it.

(photo by Robert Linder)

Recently, I feel like he is in a downward spiral and as a result is being too hard on me. I felt like I was in the line of fire and needed to get out of the way. I know he is frustrated and having a very difficult time, but I've offered him what I think is reasonable support. Yet, he thinks I am not doing enough and is very difficult to be around him. I don't know what he wants and he is not always clear about it. A couple of weeks ago I had to take a leap and ask him to take some time off and pull back. He agreed. We met up again yesterday and had a great time on a road trip but today we went to an Al Anon meeting together (as we sometimes do--he is a double winner) and that sparked some difficult conversation. I said some things I would have been afraid to say before, because taking this time off was a big risk for me as I was afraid of loosing him. But now, I just feel stronger.

While we were away from each other I became happier. Not that he causes me unhappiness but I am the type that needs to be alone once in awhile and work on my own thing. Hence, my fresh preoccupation with my creative issues. I feel like I've been doing well and I've had some new personal discoveries. Plus, I got to a lot of useful Al Anon meetings and received support from fellow members. I feel my pulling back from him has led to better self preservation, plus it is a new leap for me. I care about him but I can't let his troubles pull me down. I've got to take care of myself. Spending time on my own stuff is the fun part of detachment.

My boyfriend seems to have improved for our time away as well, though I'm concerned about his continued stress. He is at a point where he should get it as far as Al Anon principals but with the things he says I suspect that he is still in denial about his own situation.  I do try to talk to him gently about Al Anon but I can see things that he can't see and I have to keep quiet because I have to let him learn for himself.  I can't nag it into him or give him unwanted advice or tell him all about himself because that doesn't work. It is like watching a blind man stumble around looking for a wall--eventually he is going to hit the wall hard but he has to to learn where the wall is for himself so he can get around it. This is the hard part of detachment.

A good thing is that I can see a way to start amends with him. I've been working step 9 this summer and I was just waiting it out until I could figure it out more but now I see an opening. 

So, I'm just waiting and watching. We've agreed to continue to pull back, though tonight we have a Wal*Mart date. (I don't have a car so he sometimes takes me grocery shopping out in the suburbs.) So, yes, another issue to let go and let God.