Accepting Others' Limitations

One of the early lessons I learned in Al-Anon (and one of my chronic problems, really) is that I shouldn't put all of my emotional eggs in the alcoholic's basket. I have to accept that my boyfriend is limited and he is doing the best he can with what he has. I realize that when I am heavily depending on my boyfriend to meet all of my emotional needs I need to do some sort of self examination.

(Photo by Nate Brelsford.)

Part of the reason I am depending on him so much is that I feel I am not clicking with my sponsor. The past few weeks she has also been rather grumpy towards me and it is a challenge for me to call her. So, I've been avoiding her. Since Step 7 seems to be everywhere I am these days I thought I should work on the "humility" part of that step and give her a call, even though I didn't want to.

I didn't go to the Al Anon meeting where I usually see her on Saturday because I had a headache. My boyfriend went alone. When I talked to her she assumed that I wasn't there because I was "emotionally overwrought", which meant that I think she thinks I am some kind of dramatic teenager. I got a little grumpy and said that no, I was sick and just because Boyfriend and I don't show up at the same meeting every time, it doesn't mean we are having problems. (Normally I go to about 1-2 other meetings a week without him, in my own neighborhood. Most people in those meetings don't know him.) She backed off and was a little nicer. I think one of my problems is I need to try and be a little more assertive in talking about what I need to talk about instead of letting her assume and then getting mad about it.

A little later in the conversation I talked about how Boyfriend and I seemed to dependent on each other lately because we are both having problems and need each other so much. I said, "I feel like we are tied together with a rope and are each pulling the other through a swamp." She talked about relationships a bit and then said, "Well, I don't know because I had the best husband and we didn't often argue."

This was  a big light bulb moment for me. Her father was an alcoholic, her son was one but her husband was not an alcoholic. In Al-Anon we try to see similarities in other people's stories because no matter who is the alcoholic, there are common issues. But, she was romantically paired with a "normal" man and I have an alcoholic. As hard as she tries, she may not be able to totally see my position, the same way I know I can't fully understand her relationship with her alcoholic son, as I have no kids. Like with my boyfriend, I have to accept that she is doing the best that she can with what she has and let it go at that.